Thursday, June 3, 2010

Don't Waste the Handsome

The book He's Just Not That Into You coined the phrase, "Don't Waste the Pretty," and I've fell in love with it ever since. Usually, the most profound quotes are the most simple ones. And I mean really, what girl hasn't wasted the pretty at least once in their life? Show me a gorgeous girl whose never cried over an asshole and I'll show you a flying donkey. And I know you know at least one chick who you original deemed a 9 that got demoted down to a 6 'cuz of their personality ... or rather lack thereof.

But as of lately, I've been noticing that females are not the only ones guilty of being wasteful. Fellas is wasteful too go 'head shrug them shoulders off. I met this guy (dear God please don't ever let him read this post) and he's not a bad dude, trust. Nice guy I swear. Just not the guy for me. I've said this before and I'll say it again. I can usually tell within the first 5 minutes of meeting someone if he has potential or not. People say you never know unless you try, so depsite not having an immediate attraction to this obviously handsome man (he even made my gay "wet" lmao) I considered hanging out with him at least once ... that was until he ruined it for himself.

To say that he wasted the handsome is an understatement. I just don't know how he ruined it for himself THAT FAST. It was as if someone handed him pussy on a platter and his hungry ass just tossed it in the garbage. So to save some of yall from starving, I wanted to share the following with you. Ladies if you have more to add, feel free to do so. Fellas, 75% of the time yall are some slick talkin, panty-dropping mufuckas so please don't get offended. If you get offended, that means you do this shit. Which means, you ain't gettin no play and need to get the fuck off my blog and get laid instead. Now ...

5 ways to get fired before even getting hired

1. Bad text ettiquette: There should be a book or even a class somewhere that states that "What kind of panties do you wear?" is NOT an appropriate question to ask someone you haven't had sex with - what more kissed - what more someone you just met - what more in one of the first 5 texts you've sent them!!! If your cheesy ass had even the slightest chance at "hanging out" with me, that text right there just ruined it for you. That shit makes me not even wanna talk to you on the phone what more see you in person.!

2. Being too aggressive: Speaking of "hanging out," that same book or class should have a section called First Hang-Outs 101. Maybe I'm just old fashioned but when I think of first (non)dates, I think brunch? Dinner? Baseball/Basketball game? Fair? Shit, even Great America! All I know is, I don't want to "chill at your place or mine and watch a movie." Isn't that what movie theaters are for? And isn't "chill at your place or mine" cheeseball for "I'm gonna try and get into those panties that I asked about earlier." Real talk, I rather have you just say THAT.

3. Insinuate: Correct me if I'm wrong but usually, dudes in the process of getting to know a female are either in it to win it or just to hit it and quit it. But regardless of your m.o., you gotta get yourself in the position to even have that option to begin with. And one sure way to walk backwards is to insinuate to your friends that somethings going on with us simply for bragging rights and daps, when we ain't even kicked it yet.

4. Double Dip: Now this isn't a guaranteed deal breaker, however, if you holler at me and my friend at the same function it immediately sends off a red flag. I def ain't mad at ya, 'cuz if 2 fine dudes asked for my number at the same place, best believe they'd both get it. It just makes you look like a ... well kinda ... GAH I cannot find the words (for once lol) ladies can you help me out here? It just makes me give you the side eye and not really take you seriously, that's all.

5. No funny, No honey: So you're a cute dude. You got a good job. Your own spot. You are the man ... on paper. But if you can't make me laugh, you can throw that resume in the basura. Period. Point. Blank. If there's ONE thing you wanna say I'm picky about, then let it be humor. At least I can laugh about it later.

5.5 No go on the Go-Go: I guess this is a personal one, but the concept can apply to others. I used to go-go dance. I don't talk about it unless I'm asked, but if that's ALL you can talk about, you might as well wear a sign that says, "I just want to fuck an ex go-go dancer." I can't blame you for wanting to ('cuz you're probably under the assumption that I'm some easy slut-whore) but try to be a little subtle Captain Obvious.


Unknown said...

i literally laugh out loud every time i read your post...

and i've totally seen a lot of handsomeness wasted.

i enjoy your blog, and your uncensored take on everything!

diane said...

No joke and no insult intended, if writing was sex, I'd have multiple orgasms reading your blog.

You are a fantastic writer, and I can honestly say that I have never met anyone as eloquent as you.

Chase said...

lmao please don't get me started on this!! the WORST has to be the "chilling at his place" on your FIRST DATE! Like sorry, I'd rather have a date in public than your creep ass house where no one will hear my screams.

DJ CMC said...

U really wanna go to great america, lets go to magic mountain instead!

Mouf.Peace said...

@glad - i was able to make you laugh, making people laugh is one of my favorite things to do :)

@diane - does that make me lesbian? lol. jk thank u so much!

@chase - lmao "where no one will hear my screams" oh shit i didn't even think of it that way, good lookin out haha.

@cmc - i haven't been to GA in hella long!

Mouf.Peace said...

ok wtf, that first comment i made was for u melissa lol @glad? wtf. my bad.

~emily said...

you totally speak the truth! i agree with every one of these points. loving your blog.