Friday, February 26, 2010
Touch Me, Tease me
What I am however, is affectionate with my friends. Girls, guys, gays, doesn't matter. If I care about you and am happy you are in my life, then more than likely I've laid my head on your shoulder when I was tired, kissed you on the cheek hello, or hugged u good-bye 5 seconds longer than I'd hug a mere acquaintance. This doesn't mean I'm lesbian, or that I secretly got the jones in my bones for u. It just means I am comfortable enough with our platonic relationship to link arms with u walking back to the car on a cold night without u thinking we're gonna hook up. (Now of course, if the other person has a gf or I have a bf, or my actions make anyone feel uncomfortable - then air kisses and a pound out of respect will do just fine lol.)
People have the freedom to interpret actions in different ways. And the ironic part about myself, is that me sitting on ur lap is in no way an indication that I'm feelin u in that way. 'Cuz honestly, if I was, I'd probably sit as far away from u as possible. I'd be quiet, and stiff, and seem unapproachable. And only until it's clear our feelings for each other were mutual or we're already together - would I then be able to ease up around u.
So then one might wonder what then defferentiates the way I'd treat my man as opposed to every other dude in my life. Shouldn't there be a clear distinction? Shouldn't certain things be sacred and only shared between 2 people? Of course.
And one of those things (at least for me) is holding hands.
I can tell if I really like someone by how long it takes me to hold their hand, and more importantly, how it feels once I do. I think holding hands is more intimate than even kissing someone. It signifies so much more than grinding on someones crotch on the dance floor, or even having sex. I've had sex with someone whose hand I couldn't hold. So forget about what u think u saw and what u think what u saw means. 'Cuz it's most likely, not even like that.
I don't lead people on, so until the day comes where I hold ur hand (and not just 'cuz I'm too drunk to walk without assistance lol), then I hate to burst ur bubble but its' not even like that. If I'm with someone, u'll know. If I don't like u, u'll know. And if I like u, u'll know. I may not let u put ur arm around me for the first 6 dates lol, but trust me, u'll know. If we've gone out enough times for u to know my favorite hobby, my secret tattoo, the only man I'd ever be a groupie for, what kind of puppy I'd get if I could have one, the names of my 3 closest friends, and u've spoken to my mom on the phone - yet I still haven't kissed u BUT haven't talked about other dudes with u either? Then consider my lack of affection a good thing :)
Unless of course u just stink. Which if that's the case, then this blog means nothing and u def wanna check ur ph balance before making the assumption that I'm feelin u. Thanks.
Say What?! - TGIF Edition
And don't worry, I'll eventually update yall on the MAV show, MAGIC, Vegas, and the Ava shoot as soon as I stay in one place for more than 5 mins lol. It's mufuckin Armageddon outside but try to have a wonderful weekend anyway!
Gis I know ur reading this so 1) U were FADED that night, 2) Happy bday again and 3) FLOWER POWER! lol.
2/3rd of the Raunch Monsters plus Dane. Baby-girl sorry for posting this, but I didn't have time to crop yo' ass out. Plus, that's just rude lol.
Me and the BFF
By the way, who is the originator of the "That's what she said?" I swear he needs to be reprimanded ... and then hugged lol.
E: Want half?
A: Naw, I can't eat the big ones, I don't wanna get lipstick on my chin
And yall know the rest lmao.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
5 Random Things
1. Today was the first time I washed and brushed my hair since Sunday (And I believe I just felt my male reader count go down from 4 to 3 lol)
2. At work, I only wear 1 shoe while sitting at my desk. Yes, just 1.
3. I name all my favorite electronics. For instance, my G1 phone is Sir Lloyd Banks IV, my DSI is Mee-Thu, and my Mac Book is Frankie Robinson.
4. After droppin a duece, I always wait for it to fully flush 'cuz I do not wanna be the girl who makes the next person who uses the toilet yell, "Ewwwwwww." (And I believe I just felt my male reader count go down from 3 to 2 lol)
5. I've bought Christmas cards for the past 8 years, filled them out, and never sent them. FAIL.
And now it's ur turn, tell me 5 random facts about urself and tag the next person!
- My walls are a lot thinner than I thought (I can hear people breathe upstairs).
- Facebook is boring and Twitter is the anti-christ which is why I'm not on it*
- I can have fun in Vegas while being completely sober - but really, what's the point?
- If u wake up one morning not knowing wtf went on the night before, check ur camera phone. You'll be surprised at what u took that u don't remember.
- I am in the best shape of my life next to high school.
And most of all:
- I am a pussy.
And no, not the kind of pussy that is too scared to jump outta a plane thousands of feet in the air, or the kind that is nowhere to be found when one of their homies is about to get into a fight. I'm talkin about the kind of pussy that sees a cute guy staring at her and runs in the opposite direction or looks for the nearest table to hide under.
It's official: when it comes to the opposite sex, I AM SHY.
Get the fuck outta here right? I know it may seem hard to believe considering some of the topics I write about and how open I am when talking about it, but believe it. See the difference is, once u know me it's a no holds barred of f-bombs, and blow-job talk but I am not the one to get up and introduce myself in a crowded room full of people. Matter fact, I'll probably be the one sitting in the corner looking like a loner. And not 'cuz I think I'm too good to mingle, but 'cuz I'm absolutely mortified. Of what though? I have no idea.
Rach once told me "women don't need game." Alas, I am a waste of woman lol. But just because I am a waste of woman, it doesn't mean u have to be too! So in an attempt to not fail the human race entirely, I'm passing along these tips to the rest of u so that they don't go to a complete waste ('cuz Lord knows I won't use 'em):
- If you see a dude and think he's cute - TELL HIM! It's harmless. It's like saying "nice shoes," or, "good morning." How many dudes have told u that u were beautiful? This one time ain't gonna hurt the equillibrium of the world.
- Be accessible - That doesn't mean wear a mini dress with a plunging neckline and no panties while dancing on the bar top. It just means nagivate outside of that corner u've been associating with, be seen, and have fun. If u look like ur having fun, dudes will think ur fun. And what dude doesn't want a fun girl?
- Don't be scurred of rejection - Ur not asking the dude to marry u. The worst that can happen is they'll make up an excuse to not dance or talk to u. Again, think about how many times one of ur guy friends has hollared at some female and got rejected. It's not that serious. On to the next one ...
- Which reminds me to remind u - it's not that serious.
- And the best tip ever? LIQUID COURAGE. Duhhh.
*I recently signed in to FB after not having done so since last year and just as quickly had a friend change my pw on me again lol. As for Twitter, I still have a Twitter assistant tweeting for me lol so sorry if I don't respond to ur DM's!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Eargasm of the Day - Hey Daddy by Usher
"Daddys home, home for me,
And I know u've been waiting for this lovin all day
U know ur daddys home, and it's time to play,
So u ain't gotta give my lovin away ..."
So all my ladies say, "Hey, hey, hey daddy ..."
Foodgasm of the Day - Biscuits and Blues
Located at 401 Mason (cross st. is Geary), B&B is a really cute date spot if ur open to listening tot he blues. And even if ur not, u can always go just for dinner and drinks. I will warn u though, 20% gratuity is added to everything - even the drinks u buy at the bar. But if u love soulfood as much as I do, then it's all worth it.
I had the chicken and andouille sausage Jambalaya, and split a Southern sampler that consisted of chicken wings, yam fries, corn and shrimp fritters, and macaroni and cheese croquettes (because just plain old macaroni alone isn't unhealthy enough). The Jambalaya was a very good portion for the $17 I paid for, I ended up having to doggy-bag at least half of it. Spicy, but very flavorful. But the BEST part I swear was the deep fried mac & cheese with the dipping sauce they provided:
That's the best way I can describe the taste. Other entrees that made their way to the table that night were the catfish with sweet mashed potatoes (u have the option of fries too). OMG. Helloooooo, y hasn't this been done before? More importantly, y didn't anyone let me know? Next time I come back, I'm definitely ordering this.
My girl Ness ordered the beef brisket. Shit melted in her mouf.
The chicken was the only thing I didn't try but by the way everyone devoured theirs, I don't doubt it was delicious. I can't wait to try the rest of the menu! And if the above wasn't enough to make u visit Biscuit and Blues, lemme tell u. They serve their fluffy, warm biscuits with marmalade butter. So good the shit should be illegal.
And then of course, no spot that serves soulfood is complete without some good ol' fried chicken.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Practice What You Preach
Sunday, February 21, 2010
No Grey Goose if u Don't Get Loose
Saturday, February 20, 2010
The Morning After
Friday, February 19, 2010
Words Without Action Mean Nothing
On apologies by Jozen
Thursday, February 18, 2010
And After These Messages ...
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
No Strings Attached
About "x" number of years ago I made my first attempt at having a booty-call. It was kinda perfect actually. I was single, horny as hell, knew the booty-call rules and regulations contract like the back of my hand, and had met a friend of a friend, who I was so attracted to that his name alone got me wet. After our first encounter I even planned on kicking the dude outta my house so that there would be no spooning and cuddling afterwards. I thought I had shit on lock.
That one simple gesture alone threw a monkey-wrench in the whole operation. U mean like the kind u see in the theaters? Out in public? In broad daylight? What the fuck for??? Needless to say, I got caught up. I didn't like anything about this guys personality - he wasn't even fucking funny and yall know how high humor is on my list - yet I got attached to the fact that he was simply there. I felt dirty. I felt naive. And even though I can still count my "How many guys have u slept with" list on one hand, at that moment - I felt like a "ho." And not the kind I aspired to be. So bitches, be careful what u wish for.
An "x" amount of years passed after that, and the same man who I once paid 2 toll bridges for just to have sex with, dropped into town. And just like that it was the year "xxxx" again ... only it was completely different.
He still picked me up in his flossy whip that looked like a space ship on the inside. He was still as fly as I can remember, only now he had a 6-pack. He still held my hand the entire car ride to the movie theater, brushed my cheek in complete silence, hugged me for no reason, stole kisses on the escalator, and did all the things that once made me catch feelings for him. Except now I felt absolutely nothing. And that "nothing" feeling, felt SO, SO GOOD. It felt liberating. So liberating that I had sex with him again that night. And unlike the first time where I got attached, this time - I felt completely detached.
Unfortunately, this didn't feel any better. Because my my mind and heart was still attached to someone else. Matter fact I was so detached, that this dudes dick was inside of me - yet all I could think of was that "someone else." It was the first time in my entire life that I had faked it. I WAS PISSED. Because this fine ass dude was on top of me, and was sooo much better than I remember. I should've been stuffing my mouth with his t-shirt to keep from screaming and writhing in ecstasy. But instead, I was wishing he'd hurry up and cum already so I could go cry in the bathroom. There he was, talking dirty to me and the only voice that responded was the one in my head that said, "ABI WHAT THE FUCK ARE U DOING? DID U REALLY THINK IT WAS GONNA BE THAT EASY? DO U REALLY THINK UR THAT GIRL?"
I don't know how some of u guys make it look so easy. One of my friends said I shouldn't be mad about it 'cuz it only shows I got a big heart. Another said it was 'cuz I had a heart period. Another said it was just too soon and had it been even 2 weeks later, it would've been on and poppin. My boy said it's simply 'cuz I'm a girl. But really, I'm just not THAT girl. No matter how many times I think I can be. Or how annoyed I am that I can't be.
Friday, February 12, 2010
And as usual, have a wonderful weekend everyone!
That's moms getting frustrated on my DS 'cuz she can't play Rhythm Heaven for shit lol.
Sin in the City
- Bikini wax. I don't care if ur getting laid or not. It really isn't for that, although it's a bonus. U need to keep the cho-cha in check so that in the event ur drunk as shit and someone snaps one of those up the skirt pics and it's all over XS's website, it doesn't look like ur thong has sideburns naw mean? And if ur drunk ass is prone to jumping up on stage when ur inebriated, there's bound to be some other drunk ass taking pictures. Besides, do u really want to mimick Miranda during the Cabo pool scene while ur at Rehab?
- Sexy underwear. I ain't talking lingerie and shit, it's not that serious. But Vegas, and any vacation for that matter usually calls for the non-period/granny/Soen panties. So u gotta break out the pretty panties. The thongs. The G-strangs. 'Cuz this weekend Vickie ain't got no secrets. All the panties u push to the back of ur underwear drawer because they're so uncomfortable but look so cute? Yah, BRING THOSE.
- A skanky dress. 'Cuz I mean come on. It's Halloween everyday in LV. And yah it seems cliche, but it still holds truth that Vegas is the one place where u can dress like a skank and get away with it. I feel weird when I wear too much clothing there I swear. So that's why u need the pretty panties and the bikini wax, so that when ur wearing ur skanky little dress, ur bush and ur panty lines don't show. And if ur panty line does show, it's all good 'cuz that little "T" drives the boys crazy and makes them wonder what u look like with it off.
- Mani/Pedi. Because ur feet are gonna HURT in them hooker heels u just bought. So if ur gonna be in pain, u might as well look cute doing so. Personally, my life could be a mess, my hair could be nappy, I could look like shit, but if my nails and toes are done right, I still feel slightly put together. Plus, it shows that I pay attention to detail and still take care of myself.
- Haircut. I don't know a single dude who doesn't get faded or lined up before heading out to Vegas. And if u got hair, ur booking an appt with Tee-Tee from down the block to get braided up. U just gotta look clean. It's a MUST. 'Cuz u really can't expect Miss Venezuela by the bar to believe ur some sort of "baller" when u couldn't even spare $20 to get a damn haircut.
- Money. And lots of it. I bring money for 2 reasons and 2 reasons only: Food and drank. Chicks that got game just bring money for food. Now dudes? Not only do they wanna buy food, but they also wanna buy drank or cop a table. And not only do they wanna buy food, and drank, but they also wanna floss the funds. And not only do they wanna buy food, drank, and floss, but they also wanna gamble.
- White Tee or Wife B. Because as soon as ur in the club, the button up is coming off. The white tee (no tall tees pls) and wife b is the signature uniform top of Vegas when ur hot as shit walking around in your basketball or plaid shorts (Yall always have those same type shorts I swear lol) 'cuz unless ur from the Jersey shore or at the pool, it's just obnoxious to be walking around with ur shirt off.
- Which brings me to the button up. I know they're played out and overrated, and most of yall got plugs with the door guy to let u in wearing flip flops and an Affliction tee, but for those of u who don't, the button up will save ur life. It's the standard dress code if there is one, and u don't wanna be the only dude who doesn't get into the club.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The Power of Beautiful
But one word that I will never get tired of being called, no matter how predictable the situation is or cliche as it may sound is: BEAUTIFUL.
Not cute, not gorgeous, not fine - but beautiful. Shit gets me everytime. And I'm totally breaking the girl code by divulging this information to the men of the world but seriously, if u wanna make a woman feel special, break out the beautiful and the panties are sure to get moist at least 50% of the time. They may not drop for u, but they will get wet - trust.
There is just something about this 3-syllable word that gets me and my girls all mushy-gushy, googly eyed, and blushing. Because as I've always said, "cute" is for puppies and babies. A pink bow in a little girls pigtails can be "pretty". And plenty of porn stars and strippers are "hella fine." But beautiful? Beautiful as my Hayati says is, "more than just a pretty face or a nice bod or good hair or a nice personality, it's like - all of the above times ten."
Beautiful is the stuff soulmates, dream girls, and wedding proposals are made of. Beautiful is not only limited to a sunrise or sunset, a Kailua blue ocean, or Aurora Borealis. To some, it's the ideal typography used correctly. It's a DJ scratch so perfect that it moves the crowd. It's seeing a daughter, a mother, a grandma, and a great-grandmother in the same room all at once. Beautiful, is seeing a man cry and his woman looking at him as if he is the strongest motherfucker in the room. It's seeing your woman come back from her morning run wearing sweats, a messy pony-tail, no makeup and wondering why she spends so much money on MAC and Bebe to begin with.
Beautiful is executing the perfect combo. It's seeing ur mom and ur new girlfriend get along just as much as the two of u do. It's the feeling u get when u switch to 5th gear with the windows rolled down on a sunny day and nobody is in front of u for miles. It's the ability to make the people u care about laugh until they cry, and hearing that high note in ur favorite ballad. It's holding your newborn baby in ur arms for the very first time, and seeing Drew Brees hold his son after winning the Superbowl. As my roommate has said, beautiful is looking at the woman in front of him and feeling blessed everytime. AMEN.
But the most beautiful part of it all, is the fact that a really beautiful woman can tell when a guy says it and means it. I was once called beautiful by the man I loved and I swear to God, for about 3 seconds his soul was speaking to me instead. So fellas, don't think u can just throw the word around like it's nothing. 'Cuz just like the words "I love you," it cannot be abused nor taken advantage of. Love is beautiful. And lying about either one is just plain ugly.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Deal or No Deal
So instead of writing what I like, I'll write about what I don't like. And I'm not talkin about the obvious deal-breakers like married dudes, guys wih pending child molestation charges, or a history of domestic violence. I'm talkin about the "not-so obvious" things that may seem petty and shallow to u but make all the difference to me.
- If ur pants are tighter than mine. If there's no room for me to stick my hand down ur pants to jack u off on the dancefloor one drunken night at the club, it's ur fucking loss.
- If u smoke cigarettes. I'm sorry. This alone probably cuts more than 80% of my potential suitors lol. But seriously, have u tried kissing an ashtray with purpleish-black gums before? I've never even tried a cigarette, and I hate the way my hair smells after being in the car with a smoker so more than likely we'd get on each others nerves and it wouldn't work out anyway.
- If ur not significantly taller than me when I'm wearing heels. I'm sorry, I know it's shallow. And I'm well aware that big things come in small packages, I mean hello I'm only 5 ft. tall. But that's just it. I'm a tiny lil' thang and I wanna feel protected in a dark alley.
- If ur hands are smaller than mine. 'Cuz I don't wanna feel like I'm holding hands with my little brother in elementary school.
- If ur hands are softer than mine. 'Cuz if I wanted to hold hands with a girl, I have plenty of hot girlfriends for that.
- If ur bi-sexual. I'm sorry. But even my gay friends agree. There is no such thing as a bi-sexual male.
- If ur prettier than me. I'm all for a dude who likes to take care of himself. More power to ya. And it's no secret, that Secret is "strong enough for a man but made for a woman." But if we're fighting for mirror time and u have more hair/skin products in ur medicine cabinet than I do, it just ain't happening.
- If u don't like sports. Because. Well. WTF?! Ur a man! Ur supposed to like sports dammit. I LIKE SPORTS. If I'm sitting there watching the Super Bowl (when I'm not even fond of football) and I turn around and ur on the computer playing World of fucking Warcraft, I may break up with u on the spot.
- If u don't like talking "dirty" in bed. OK, so I'm not hardcore into it and it ain't gotta be like a snuff film up in that bitch. But I'd just feel for lack of better words ... weird ... if I said sumth'n nasty to my dude while having sex and u gave me silence in return. And I who wants to feel weird while ur getting it on?
- If I make u laugh more than u make me. Because in all honesty, humor >>> money, muscles, a tricked out ride, etc. etc. It can make an "ok" dude, look twice as appealing and even sexy. I hold the ability to make a woman laugh extremely high on my list. I feel the most beautiful when I'm making my own friends laugh. And I'm pretty fucking funny, so I need someone that can roll with the punchlines. So that I'm not laughing at him, but with him.
Anyone feel me on any of the above? What are some not so obvious deal breakers for you?
Monday, February 8, 2010
And just because my baby cousin Isaiah is so adorable I had to share this pic. He's 4 months going on 23, I swear he has a 5 o'clock shadow. And I lurrrrrrrrve him ... even though he looks like some little white kid we stole from the family down the street. I swear he's part Filipino, I swear.
Up until yesterday, the Green Tea KitKat was just an urban Japanese legend to me. Then, Q picked me up and I came face to face with my edible unicorn. And lemme tell u, shit was delicious.
We both agreed that we like it better than the regular flavored KitKat, because it was sweet but not "I can only have 2 or else I'll throw up or need a root canal," sweet. It tastes mostly like white chocolate with a hint of matcha. I believe u can only get them in Japan (for sure the Duty Free store at the airport in case yall are headed out there!) so if anyone's going, holler at a souvenier for ur girl one time!
I can't wait to try this next: green tea with red bean and milk flavored filling! Click here to check out 16 other Kit Kat flavors I'm sure u've never heard of yet.
Make Out of Luck
Since we was recently on the subject of "firsts," I started thinking about another important one - my first kiss. It was with tongue. And it was horrendous lol. I was in the 6th grade and honestly, I remember wishing I was downstairs learning how to do the butterfly with the rest of my friends instead. Then, I thought about the first kiss I had with the boy who ended up being my first love - his breath smelled like how a Filipino house smells after u cook tuyo. Yah dude, I promise.
But then, I remembered one of the best kisses I ever had. The "situation" was bad, but the sex was good. Regardless, one thing was for sure - we were crazy about each other ... at least in the beginning. I forget who, but one of us was laying down and the other walked over to plant a kiss. And I swear it was like those cartoons where sparks fly and trumpets sound off. It was so passionate yet so non-sexual. It's hard to describe. But it was definitely amazing. To the point where mid-makeout sesh I started to feel my cheeks burn and eyes start watering up. I didn't let any tears fall, but I noticed that when we had finally came up for air, his eyes were red as well. We both felt embarassed and didn't question the others appearance nor feelings because we kinda just knew. Plus, I'm sure he felt just as gay as I felt lol.
And now I'm realizing ... that the world, or at least me and my friends, or at least I - don't make out enough. It used to be so fun. But I guess now ... it's just a mere prelude to sex that doesn't last long enough. I'll admit, I'm just as guilty as the next when it comes to it too. Like, ok can we just bang already? But when I really think about it, what's the rush? It's not like we're in the elevator and only got 5 floors left to get in a quickie or I'm still living with my mom and she gets home in 20 minutes.
I'm a grown ass woman (most of the time at least lol). I got my own spot, and my own bed , and DAMMIT ... I wanna be kissed like I'm 19, and in love, and still live with my mom whose about to be home in 20 minutes all. over. again.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
It may seem as if all I've been doing is writing about love, but I ain't talkin about the kind of "love" I've been ranting about for the past month. Not the kind of love that hurts, or makes u want to disappear. I'm talkin that good-good. The kind of love that wakes u up in the morning long before ur woman does but keeps u in bed staring at sleeping beauty, and feeling so lucky to have her by ur side. The kind of love where nothing looks, smells, or feels more like home than being in ur mans arms.
Yeaaah, that kinda love.
I almost forgot about it. No, I'm lying. I just didn't believe in it anymore. Until last night when as cheesy as it sounds, Dear John reminded me of how beautiful love can and will be. Granted, I only watched the movie 'cuz of the fineness known as Channing Tatum - but it was a decent flick even though I prefer gangster love stories like Carlito's Way and romantic comedies like Sweetest Thing. Regardless, I'm glad I watched it.
Because now I can once again look forward to feeling like a giddy little school girl when I get cute texts messages instead of feeling anxiety in my stomach when I don't. I can once again look forward to the first date instead of the last good-bye. I can once again look forward to kissing in the rain instead of wishing it would it would wash me away. I can once again look forward to being myself instead of looking in the mirror and not knowing who the fuck is staring back at me. And most of all, I can once again look forward to being in love.
And don't worry, so can you.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Say What?! - TGIF Edition
- A year ago today, I would've been in beautiful Hawaii. I know I said I'm not going on any trips this year 'cuz I'm saving for PI in May but I may have to make this one exception ...
- I just wanted to remind the discouraged, the jaded, and the broken: Love is not complicated. People with too much pride and fear are. You will all be OK. I promise.
- Samovar - Know about it. And yes, 2 days in a row. 'Cuz when I crave, I CRAVE. Left to right, top to bottom: Egg bowl with duck, Curry Tofu w/ Basmati rice, Turkey basil and guyere sandwhich, and the Egg bowl with braised tofu.
- My favorite Formspring question of all time "Do you use a tabo?"
- Have u checked the meaning of ur name on UrbanDictionary.com? They couldn't have been more on point with "Abigail" lmao.
- BTW, I am still responding to "Dear Abi" emails. However, I've been posting most of them on What the Hellz? which is where you can find my weekly feature every Tuesday.
- Love.Hope.Fashion.Fun all for a good cause. Come support the MAV foundation's charity fashion show on Sat. 2/13 at Jillians in SF. Details here. All proceeds go towards leukemia/lymphoma victims and their families, in honor of my girl, Meesa (RIParadise beautiful!)
- February has the potential to be an AMAZING month. I have a few projects I'm working on as well as a possible new job opportunity so please, please send some good vibes along my way and I'll gladly give some back in return :) Have a wonderful weekend everyone!
- Mmmhmmm ...
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Good, Better, Best.
And then there are things that I feel are sooo unecessary. Things that the world could've totally done without. Things that I swear exist only for the purpose of being nothing more than sheer entertainment for God or Mother Nature (or fill in the blank with the religious/spiritual/scientific creator of ur choice). Things like ass crack hair (or pubic hair in general for that matter), Tila Tequila, and pussy-fart.
It pained me just to type out that word. Why does that word even exist???!!!
And thennn, they try to make it sound more scientific and shit by calling it a "Queef." See, this is why I believe God is a man. 'Cuz only a man would take the word "Queen," replace one letter and then fuck it all up! A queef is defined as "vaginal flatulence (faltus vaginalis in Latin), an emission or expulsion of air from the vagina that may occur during or after sexual intercourse or (less often) during other sexual acts, stretching, or exercise ... "
I define it as possibly the most embarassing thing (next to the obvious of shatting) that can ever happen to a woman during intercourse. And my angst stems from the fact that is has no purpose asides from making me want to get up, run to the bathroom, and lock myself in there until my man either stops laughing or drives to the other side of the country. And I've only done it a handful of times! But still - why? WHYYYYYY?
See, I have this long-standing theory that God checks my ego with pimples. Like, "Aye bitch, humble urself or ur getting a monster on the tip of ur nose." But wtf is the lesson learned or moral of the story with a queef? Stop being a whore? Ur not a big enough whore? It's not like a regular fart where ur expelling gas, it's just AIR for crying out loud. Air that comes outta ur vag and sounds disgusting and totally ruins the moment for me. And I say for me, because every single dude I've asked said they didn't really care. But that's because air is not farting out of their penis hole!
OK fine. Maybe I'm doing too much. Maybe queefs aren't that serious. I mean there are more dire issues out there. Like the recession, the current state of Haiti, and Brad Pitt getting back with Jennifer Anniston. BUT COME ON! We already get cramps and dispense blood outta there once a month, and the only time that doesn't happen is when something the size of a melon is getting ready to force it's way outta there. So please - give the vag a break. God/Buddah/Freud - if ur reading this, rid us of the queef once and for all ... or at least don't let the cause be from too much "hittin it fromt he back," 'cuz that's my favorite. And that's just CRUEL.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Young Money Crooks ...
Valentine's Day isn't the Anti-Christ
Because yes, u should give thanks every day. Yes, u don't need an excuse to buy something nice for someone u care about. Yes, u should appreciate life on a regular basis. And yes, everyday should feel like "Valentine's Day." But even if ur not into the dramatics of it all (although it doesn't have to be dramatic), but u know ur gf/bf is: Why wouldn't u want to make them happy?
[And btw, I am very aware Chinese New Year falls on Valentine's Day this year. So if ur significant other celebrates that Gong-hay-fat-choi and u don't - RELAX. That's family ur fucking with right there, and chances are they've been celebrating this tradition for hundreds of years and yall only been together for 1. Besides, it's a Sunday, u have fri. and sat. to be romantical lol.]
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Although I've never experienced anything remotely as close to the chaos that ensued in that movie, I did have my share of crazy nights ... and even more crazy hangovers. You know those kind of mornings where u were better off just sleeping in the bathroom, u look and feel like death x100, and repeatedly groan, "I'm NEVER drinking again!"? Yah, I've had at least 5 of those lol.
There was the one year I was introduced to "Liquid Cocaine." 4 LC's on an empty stomach and 1 Sex on the Beach later, I woke up in my bed in my pajamas with throw up on my sweater. And all I could think was, "OMG I wore a neon green g-string last night who the fuck changed me and saw it?"
Another drunken "Fuck my life," moment occurred the night before I had a 7am flight to Hawaii (That alone should've been a red flag). My boy Chris was leaving for Iraq and I wanted to take him out before he left. So we met up with some of his friends at a bar which is where I had 6 shots of goose, back to back. and then hit the strip club afterwards which is where I attempted to buy Chris a lapdance only to find out I had no cash on me and proceeded to try and use my atm card to pay for it LMAO. He ended up buying it for himself. FAIL FAIL FAIL.
The best part (or maybe worst) of this story was when I woke up only 3-4 hours later. I had bruises on my knees and arms, a hole in my tights, and no underwear on. I was still drunk from the night before and had 30 minutes to shower and finish packing. I threw up so much I clogged my toilet. WHO DOES THAT? Me. That's who. Got to the airport (still drunk), threw up at SFO, threw up on the plane, threw up when we landed in Honolulu, threw up during the car ride to the hotel, threw up in a planter in the hotel lobby, and then finally threw up in the hotel room. Aloha motherfucker.
But probably the best drunken night of debauchery I've ever had occurred in Vegas (of course). I was with my 808 hunnies plus a tranny and I had just got done consuming 11 sake bombs at Rah sushi. I. was. thrashed. So much that (omg u guys are all gonna hate me for this one) I was walking barefoot on the Vegas strip. Why? Because I had just got done jumping in the Paris fountain with my girls. I'm sure it was freezing, and I'm sure we could've gotten arrested but I felt so euphoric and carefree I didn't care. Woke up the next morning feeling like the world hated me, and didn't stop throwing up 'till I landed back in SF. BEST NIGHT IN VEGAS EVER!
Hangovers are no joke, but as long as everyone is safe and I had fun, they're always worth it for me. I am in no way encouraging binge drinking or alcoholism now, nor am I saying u need it to have fun. But my God, if it creates memories like the one below then I say only being able to drink Gatorade and eat Saltine crackers the next day is a small price to pay for sheer bliss.
And u already know I'm gonna ask u to share some of ur best drunken nights, hungover morning stories with me! I'm sure they're a lot more exciting than mine lol.
[Oh, and for the record: no sex occurred during these drunken escapades. I've never been THAT drunk. And when I do get shitface, I always make sure it's around or with people I trust with my life.]
You Better WORK!
- I go every other day, unless I have a really good excuse not to go. Meaning, "But the Grammys are on!" isn't one of them. If I go less than 3 times a week I feel like shit.
- I alternate my workouts as suggested by ... well everyone else that goes to the gym lol. So one day I'll work on abs and legs, and then another arms and back, etc. etc. But I always start with 10-20 minutes of cardio on the treadmill, and end with 10-15 minutes on the stair machine (i LOVE this machine, but it's not for the uncoordinated)
- It helps to have a trainer. It's not necessary but it helps a lot. Especially for someone like me that has no idea wtf she's doing most of the time. Saturdays are when I have a trainer. And when I say trainer, I really mean buffed friend that knows his shit, is serious about the gym, that is immune to my whining and puppy-dog eyes begging for mercy lmao.
- In addition to cardio and using the machines, I try to add other "fun" elements like pilates and yoga. Trying anti-gravity yoga this weekend!
- As far as the specific exercises, I do a lot but it's kind of hard to explain so I'll only mention the ones I don't sound like a tard describing:
- I loooove circuit training, especially when it involves ab work. My favorite one so far involves 3 reps of the following: 10 burpees, followed by 10 v-ups (where ur hands are grabbing ur partners ankles so that they can push back down ur legs, creating resistence), and then 10 scissor kicks to top it off.
- There's a machine at the gym that I call "The Gang-bang," 'cuz u have to lay on ur stomach, face down ass up, and u put ur ankles under this bar thingy and basically use ur thighs to lift the weights. The next day, when ur walking funny u'll realize why I call it the "Gang-bang."
- If u have no clue, YouTUBE some exercises. Just make sure to remember them once u gtet to the gym lol.
I'm not dieting. Just eating better. And all of it is redundant shit u've been told so I'll try to simplify it as much as I can 'cuz it's rather simple. But yall should already know, the trick to having a bangin body is just as much if not MORE what u eat (or rather don't eat) as it is working out.
- I have recently made the decision to cut back on rice. GAH! I'm Filipina, I'm sure it's against the law. So if anything only brown rice or only rice on my "cheat days"
- I've given myself 2 cheat days a week, which end up being the weekends. However, I've been only doing 1 day for the past few weeks. Pat, pat, patting myself on the back.
- Lots and lots of water. No soda. I'm gonna try no juice either. What I need to do is NO ALCOHOL lol.
- Little things like snacking on fruit instead of chips, taking out the mayo in certain meals, and choosing a vinigarette over thousand island.
- Lots of veggies, chicken (skinless), and fish!
- Smaller portions but more meals. It's a fair compromise :)
OK, that's it. I'm really boring when it comes to talking about this stuff but I hope it answers all your questions! Do work! And if anyone has any other tips please share them with all of us!