Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I Forgive ME

(Started 4/16 goddamn lol, finished today)

Forget, or forgive.

No, that's NOT a typo up there. Nor is it a question, it's a statement.

For years I've heard the saying "Forgive and forget," or some variation of it. And for years, I never quite understood or agreed. I know that if you harbor bitterness and resentment in your heart, that happiness will dock elsewhere but fuck that - send my good karma to a hangar 'cuz I rather fly anyway.

I suppose it all depends on your definition of what "forgive" is to begin with. According to, it's a verb that 1. grants pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.), 2. gives up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.), and/or 3. grants pardon to (a person).

In which case, I'm sorry but it ain't happening. Call me petty, call me immature, call me naive, but there are just some things I will never be able to "pardon" another for just as there are going to be things others won't be able to forgive me for. And that is perfectly fine with me.

Because she will never forgive her boyfriend for fooling around with their mutual friend at a party she JUST left 10 minutes ago. He will never forgive her for saying she wanted to work things out when at the same time she was planning a trip to Miami with a guy she said she wasn't dating. She will never forgive him for leading her on. He will never forgive her for breaking his trust. And if someone were to ever physically hurt my mother in a gunshot at point blank kinda way - I'm sorry but I'll burn in hell for it 'cuz there's no way in heaven I'm forgiving your ass.

Because sometimes, no matter how many "I'm sorry's" you throw out, it will never take away the pain that was caused. And the hurt can never be undone. But what it can be is forgotten. Or at least be effortlessly pushed way in the back of someone's memory bank to the point where it's only remembered when brought up.

Many people agree that forgiving someone is the only way to let go of the pain they've caused and move on in life. This is true. But I can honestly say that I live the life I love, and love the life I live without having done so. Up 'till this very day I haven't forgiven my mom for blurting out the words, "I should've had an abortion," during one of our many fights when we still lived together. But I love her to death, and we're closer than ever. Even though she never apologized to me for it, I know she didn't mean it, and is genuinely sorry for saying it. And that's all that matters.

'Cuz when it comes down to it, the only person you really need to forgive - is YOURSELF.

If you can't forgive yourself for doing someone dirty, it wont matter if they forgive you. The guilt won't magically be lifted off of your chest if you yourself are still clinging onto it. And while it's the grown up thing to "forgive those who have trespassed against us," it just doesn't have the safe effect if the tresspasser lies within you. So before forgiving someone for doing you wrong, make sure to forgive yourself first. Forgive yourself for thinking you deserved it. For wrongfully blaming yourself for it. For any ill-feeling you placed on your own heart.

'Cuz just as powerful as saying "I love you," and just as humbling as saying, "I'm sorry," is saying, "I FORGIVE ME."


?onnel said...

word. I luhh'dis.

Cammille said...

giiirl, loved this one.