The Black Diamond

Last Tuesday at the Warrior vs. Hornets game, they acknowledged their season ticket holders of the night. I Feel Good by James Brown played as a couple who seemed to be in their fifties started giggin. They were adorable. And I decided that if and when I get married, one of the first things me and my husband are gonna do is buy season tickets to a sporting event - for life. 'Cuz I want to be that cute, old couple decked out in black and orange for the next fafillion years.

*slaps myself with a handful of glitter*

I dunno what it is. Maybe the weather or just something in the air, but I've been feeling like this a lot lately. "This" meaning hopelessly romantic. Then, I feel ashamed for feeling hopelessly romantic. Then, I feel ashamed that I feel ashamed for feeling hopelessly romantic.

Because somewhere between rehabilitating myself from last years depression and now, I told myself it was wrong to feel vulnerable. Correction, wrong to show ones vulnerability. And I think that sucks. 'Cuz I am no hard rock. I am a gem. Not without flaws, but precious nevertheless. Right now though, the hurt and betrayal from past relationships has turned me into a dull, black diamond. And really, what's the difference between that and a lump of coal?

I guess my problem is, I don't half-ass NOTHING. Love is no exception - except it needs to be. I need to find a healthy medium between being an ice-box and igniting a flame so hot I spontaneously combust. 'Cuz regardless of which extreme, "I go hard, baby. And then I crash and burn." And I'm tired of being the test-dummy. So. So. Tired.

The other day I cringed when my boy D said I wear my heart on my sleeve. I disagree. Don't get me wrong, I'm just as emotional and fucking loca as the next chick (if not more) but I try my hardest not to let the dude who I'm emotional and loca over know. But maybe if I didn't try so hard to fight it, it wouldn't hurt so much when I lose. Maybe if I just swam with the current, I wouldn't drown so easily.

I'd like to think my heart is right where it should be ... under the "S" on my chest. But in the event D's right, I'm buying some bullet-proof arm warmers.