Wednesday, March 31, 2010

"I go hard, baby. And then I crash and burn"

Damn, I don't even need to blog anymore. I'll just keep reposting Jozen's shit lol.

"I am honestly, the most expressive man I know this side of Barack Obama. I always say exactly how I feel to whom I feel, which is why, there are some people in my life with whom words just don’t work. For some people in my life, saying nothing at all is the only way they know how I truly feel."

From The Deafening Sound of Saying Nothing at All

Breakfast

FML I just burped Jager Bomb.

Why I'm Marrying Jozen

"That was last year, and I have missed you ever since.

The more I search for a reason not to think about you, the more I find a reason to think about you. Do you know what that’s like? To think about not thinking about someone? It’s like a dog chasing their own tail.

Do me a favor and get the hell out of my head and heart. Go somewhere else. Be someone elses albatross, please. It’s been a long time, and you’re still here. I still miss you, and frankly, it’s getting in the way of some rather important things like other women who are good to me but I can never manage to keep.

I don’t compare them to you, but I compare myself with them to myself with you, and it never quite matches up, so I have to move on. Because when I was with you, I was the man I wanted to be, and with these other women, I’m the man I feel like I was forced to be largely because you left me.

Damn it, if you’re going to be here, then really, really be here. Quit being a figment of my imagination. I know you’re real. Just show up and say something like you heard a rumor that I missed you so I can tell you that it wasn’t a rumor, what you heard. That it was true."

From "I Want to Run Into You Every Single Day"

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

6 Months

On Sunday my girl told me about this big fight she had with her "ex-boyfriend turned kinda-sorta still her boyfriend but not really" the night before. It consisted of yelling, screaming, honking at 3am in front of her house, stubbornly walking home barefoot, and her purse being thrown out of a moving vechicle. They haven't talked since. If you ask me, I think they're both ridiculous. And probably, a little dysfunctional (I only say this because I know their situation). But - I also know they care a lot about each other. This doesn't mean they should be in a relationship, BUT I told her I do think it means they should end on a better note, even if it's not one sang together.

This morning my boss came in and I asked her how her weekend was. She's currently training for a Breast Cancer walk and said she reconnected with an old friend whose sister coincidentally is her aunt's bff. She had the pleasure of meeting her at a function in Golden Gate park yesterday and said that although she was tiny, her presence was enormous and full of life - especially for someone who had Stage 4 breast cancer and was just told she only had 6 months to live. I was amazed.

I told my boss that I don't think I could handle knowing that I only had 6 months to live. I'm not even sure if I'd want to know. But she said she would, because it would give her time to prepare herself. Time to spend with those she cared about. And it would give her no time to let pride get in the way of making amends.

I began to think of the people I'd want to spend the last 6 months of my life with and it's the same exact people I'd want to spend the next 6 months of my life with now, ailment-free. Do you know how you'd spend the last 6 months of your life? Who you'd spend them with? What you would do? The places you'd go? The things you'd say and the people you'd say them too? Don't wait 'till the last 6 months to let them know.

I know EXACTLY what I'd do, and EXACTLY what I'd say. Sometimes life gets in the way of doing and saying them, but who knows when that life will be taken away. So even though I'm healthy, and probably in the best shape I've been since ... well ... forever, I'll start off with this:

Thank-you.
I'm happy for you.
I miss you.
I forgive you.
I love you.
I love you some more.

The people those 6 simple lines go out to should already know who they are. And if yall don't? Here's one more: I'm sorry.

Happy Birthday Kris!

Editors Note: For some reason my comments aren't showing up on my computer but for the person who asked the brand of my jacket, it's from H&M. They have a few similar styles too in other colors as well :)

Happy birthday to my chinita, my neighbor, my wing-woman, the only Asian woman I know that can drive, and most importantly - one of my newest yet most beloved friends Kristina!



Grab your dancing shoes bitch, this ones for you!

Monday, March 29, 2010

"Bad artist copy. Good artist steal."~Picasso
"But a REAL artist writes their own fucking shit."~Me

And that's all I have to say about that.

The Friend Files

When I first meet a guy, I can usually tell within the first 5 minutes if he's going in my "Friend folder," or "I could take it there," file. Because usually, I know right away if a man has the potential to be MY man. In no way does that mean he will be my boyfriend ('cuz shit who says he's even interested?), it just means I wouldn't mind getting to know him in a "more than just friends" way. It means, "pending until further notice."

But not everyone is the same. And there comes that rare occasion where you meet someone who you put in your friend file, but somehow made their way out of it and into your hands for review. Either they supported you during a really hard time in your life. Or you heard her sing for the very first time. Or he popped a 12 o'clock wheelie in front of you. Or her new haircut looks really, really good on her. Or he sent you the perfect text message at the perfect time. Whatever it was, it made you tilt your head to the side and go, "Hmmm."And then all of a sudden they become slightly more attractive, and you start to look at them in a slightly different way.

So now you're questioning yourself. "Could I actually like this guy/girl?"

When two people who are friends first gain feelings for each other, the biggest concern they have is making shit awkward and possibly ruining their friendship. Sometimes the feelings are mutual. Sometimes they aren't. And then (and the worst scenario to me) sometimes you THINK you're interested, but really? You were just having a "moment," and just as soon as you get turned on, you're turned off and you remember why you put this person in the friend file to begin with.

So don't get shit twisted and make sure that what you feel is real. Nobody wants to get hurt, nobody wants to lose a friend, and nobody wants to be just a "moment." Because even worse than the "Friend file" is the "Case closed" file.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Everybody Get Ur Role On.

I used to always think role-playing in the bedroom implied a wig, patent leather nurse outfit, and corny lines like "It's time to take your temperature big boy," until I randomly came across this Nicki Minaj interview on YouTube. The concept is nothing new but I absolutely love the way she breaks it down. One of my personas is definitely gonna have to be an alcoholic 'cuz my shy ass is gonna need a shot or 5 in order to try this out lol.

What do you guys think about role playing in the bedroom? Ladies, do you role play (Ashley I know your freak ass is gonna answer this question)? Fellas, what characters would you like your girls to embody?

Inked - 4 of 15

There was a tattoo artist on the set of Nump's Jump on the Scrapa video, so I sporadically got my left inner wrist tatted for $20. I probably get asked about this tat the most since it's easy to see and makes no sense at first. The numbers represent the longitude and latitude signs of San Francisco, the city I've lived in for the past 26 years of my life. The significance of it being on my wrist symbolizes how the city runs through my veins (all together now - ahhhhh I get it). I love San Francisco, and no matter where I live, it will always be home to me. And this is just a little something to remind me of that.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Just me and my Boyfriend(s)

I love my girls. But they already know this. So fellas, this ones for YOU.

Because beside every great woman is a great man ... that she will NEVER get with. Lucky for me, I have 3 of them (Well, 3.5 if u count my gay). And I love my guy friends that I can call "my boys". LOVE THEM. Just as much, although not in the same context, as I have loved or will ever love any of my boyfriends.

These are the boys who have already met my girls, my mom, and are already a part of my family without the wedding ring. These are the boys who I can call at 1am to laugh, cry, or yell "OMFG I'm sooo druuuuuuunk I love youuuuu," to without any implications of it being a "booty-call". These are the boys who will hold up their jackets as a make-shift dressing room I can change inside of and NOT peek (yall better not fucking peek!). The boys who I can trust getting shit-face with because they WON'T try to cop a feel when they're carrying me back to the car. They WON'T try to take advantage of me when dropping my dead weight off at home. But they WILL make me clean the throw-up off the side of their passenger door, put in a good word to my homegirl he thinks is cute, AND buy them lunch the next day (yall be DTM I swear lol).

These are the boys who invite me to "boys night out," 'cuz apparently I don't count. The boys who let me know (not tell me) I'm beautiful, and smart, and talented, and funny, and fucking awesome - without expecting ass in return. The boys who've been there before, after, and in-between every boyfriend and never broke up with me. The boys who pick me off of bathroom floors, give me tough love, and have seen me at my absolute worst - and STILL stood by me, and STILL refuse to walk away, and STILL love me 'cuz they've also seen me at my absolute BEST. The boys who would "take a bat to a n*ggas head" (verbatim folks, SORRY) that hurt me if I ever said the word.

The ironic part is, there is probably some other chick's boy out there saying the same exact thing about mine.

Because my good guy at one point in his life, was her bad boy. Because when my boys are telling me, "Fuck him, he couldn't handle you, you deserve better," and all that woompty-woomp that may be true but I really ain't tryna hear - they are also talking about themselves. Because everybody makes mistakes. Because even our "boys" are assholes ... just not towards us.

And that is why as their bestest friends that are girls, we gotta remind them how a good girlfriend should be treated - with the same respect as they give us. But even if they don't listen ... we STILL stand by them, we STILL refuse to walk away, and we STILL love them. Because beside every great man is a great woman ... they will never get with (at least I hope not lol).
"When you take things for granted, The things you are granted get taken"
~Rev Run

Fade to Black aka Lost and Found Pt. 2

The other day I was looking through an old Photobucket account of mine in hopes of finding a picture of my friend who had moved ton New York, but instead was bombarded with pictures of an ex of mine that I forgot were there. I closed the window as soon as I could, but it still wasn't fast enough and the memories began to flood like Typhoon Ketsana.

I sat at my desk debating on if I wanted to cry in the bathroom or jump out the window. No, no. I didn't bring any extra makeup for me touch up with so crying won't work. And there's a dumpster filled with carboard directly in front of the window I'm next to so that would be an ultimate fail too.


So instead, I wah'd to my co-worker. I told her what happened. About how this man who looked at me like I was his world in these pictures, couldn't even look in my direction, what more look at me the same way ever again.

And then she said, "But u won't look at him the same way either"

I thought about it for a few seconds. Wiped the loca off of my face and tears from my eyes, and then realized she was absolutely right. I could NEVER look at him the same way ever again.


I envisioned his face in my mind. His eyes. His nose. His lips. His smile. And that tiny spot right behind his earlobe that I used to caress with my thumb while the rest of my fingers lay on the back of his neck. And then all of a sudden his face - well, u know how ur mirror fogs up in the bathroom when u shower and then when u wipe a part of it the condensation streaks down? That's what happened to the picture of him in my head. I don't know this guy. I thought I did, but now I'm glad I don't.

'Cuz it will never be the same. He will never be the same. I will never be the same. We will never be the same. Maybe we'll be worse. Maybe we'll be better than ever. But one things for sure, we'll never be the same. So we rip apart and delete pictures and throw away anniversary gifts and souvenirs. We destroy and erase old memories ... so that we can create new ones, with people who will look at u the way u DESERVE to be looked at, the way u look at urself. And we develop a negative into a positive picture. Otherwise, all we'll have left is a darkroom that used to be our heart.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Party Life

"He's on my bra strap, I'm on his diiick,
Ain't nothin wrong with that, I'm his biiitch ..."

One of my fave Hova remixes EVER. Makes me wanna smoke a Black & Mild while driving my Cadillac ... and I don't even smoke or drive a Caddy lol.

On to the Next One.

What can I say? The Roc was in the BUILDING in a major way. Nas may be my favorite emcee BUT to be real honest with you, the Jay-Z concert shitted on all 3 of the Nas functions I went to. SORRY God's Son, I still love you though. Good eats. Good seats. Good drank. Good people. Good music. Good times. I'll elaborate with a concert review sooner than later but in the mean time here are a few pics from the BP3 concert at the HP Pavillion on SJ. Oh, and Trigger? I'll see you in the morning ;oP

Who drinks beer through a straw? Oh. WE DO apparently.

Me and Potty-Cakes ... well, a part of him at least.

Me and Nic throwin up the ROC before taking our sweaters off and swinging 'em in the air for Big Pimpin!!!

I came, I saw, I concert. From record sales, to sold out concerts.

video

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Boys are the New Girls Pt. 1 (Edited)

Here is my disclaimer for this post (and probably every single post I write): I refuse to write a disclaimer just to explain myself.

So I apologize in advance for anyone I am about to potentially offend. Now fuck off and go read SunshineandRosesinaPCworld.blogspot.com.

Women may be from Venus and men might be from Mars but I promise u there's a little planet somewhere in between where they meet up, have drinks, and procreate. Because believe it or not - we are a lot more similar than we think, or at least would like to admit.

I currently have a drafted post which talks about this very premise. However, after reading this from my favorite male blogger (and future ex-husband lol), I was inspired to write 2 other posts as well. Reading Jozen's take on activities men like to do but just can't do together, reminded me of a conversation I had with my girl after yoga last night:

Me: U know, as much as I think a man in yoga class shows just how open-minded and well-rounded he is ... I still wouldn't want my man doing it
Her: Me too
Me: 'Cuz well .. it's just ... not ... very masucline. Actually, it's kinda gay
Her: Yeah, just go to the boxing gym next door, I'll go to yoga, and we can meet each other afterwards to go eat
Me: LOL! Seriously, 'cuz there's just certain poses I never want to see a man doing ... (like Dandayamana Dhanurasana for instance. it's ok, I'll give u a minute to google it)


Then I thought about all the other hobbies I would commend my man for being interested in or trying out if I asked - yet would never be on my "Things I look for in a man," list and came up with the following:


  • Figure skating: Just because a man figure skates, it doesn't mean he's gay. He just looks gay, that's all. It takes great athleticism and determination to be a professional ice-skater but the gracefullness and the rhinestones and the spandex just throw me off. I mean, can't u just be a football player or something?
  • Sewing/Knitting/Crocheting: I'm not great at any of these things, so it would actually be beneficial if my man was good at sewing. I'd never have to worry about having the same dress on at the club as another chick. But the thought of coming home and catching my man in the living room bobbing his head to Colby Callait with a thimble on his thumb while hemming my pants doesn't exactly make me wanna give him a "Honey I'm home" bj. And Goddammit a thimble shouldn't even be able to fit on your thumb! Your big hands should only be touching ME, or the parts of your muscle car.
  • Hairstyling/Braiding: OK, I'm lying. I don't mind too much if a dude can cut womens hair. But hair braiding is just un-called for. I'll admit it, I've asked my man to braid my hair for me before. And after they'd unsuccessfully attempt to do a single braid, it of course was met with an "Awww," of approval because of the effort. But had I asked that and they brought out the rat tail comb, pro styl gel, and mini-rubberbands? I would've freaked the fuck out and slept at my moms.
  • Nails Art: I was tempted to put makeup application, but then I remembered my old homie who worked at Origins (i think). He was straight, he was handsome, and at times he had to apply makeup on customers. But I'm sure he did it in a "This chapstick really makes ur lips soft and supple ... maybe I can take u out later and we can find out," kinda way so it didn't make the list. But I just couldn't give my number to a dude who was filing my nails while we talked about last nights episode of Dancing w/ the Stars no matter how fine he was.
  • (Just added) The bathroom mirror/MySpace pic: I know you're handsome. That's one of the reasons ur my bf. And I know u got the body of Adonis, that's why I run my hands all up and down u when we fuck. Which is why it's totally unecessary for u to take a picture of urself with a Zoolander face and send it to me, what more post it on MySpace/FB. If I asked for it (which I never will. I'd be more likely to ask for a picture of ur dick first), fine. Otherwise, put the camera phone down.

Ladies, anything u wanna add? Men, do u agree?

H to the Izzo

Another one to check off my bucket list.

"He who does not feel me is not real to me,
Therefore, he does not exist,
So poof, Vamoose son of a bitch ..."


Monday, March 22, 2010

If Men Lactaided

Him: So if white people produced "white milk" and black people produced chocolate milk would that mean Asians produced ...
Me: Soy milk?!
Him: Yah right? So then Mexicans would make ...
Me: Horchata?!
Him: Exactly.
Me: Does that mean gay people make strawberry milk?
Him: Or maybe an assorted fruit flavored milk.
Me: Like fruit salad milk? OK. That's just gross. What about us? What about Hawaiians?
Him: I dunno, coconut milk?
Me: Condensed milk?
Me: Are we really having this conversation right now?

Sunday, March 21, 2010

"Be the person YOU fell in love with."

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Hi.

Someone asked me to post a picture with no makeup on. Well, I did u one better (or maybe worse). This is me. 8:30 on a Saturday morning. Stank breaf. Muta. Bed head. Under-eye circles. Irritated skin. And pale as fuck. But u know what? Quite honestly, I've looked WAY worse (think the morning after 13 shots of Henn). And I'm smiling 'cuz I stayed in last night and now I'm up early and have the whole day ahead of me to go to the gym, handle biniss, run errands, pamper myself, and then celebrate :)

Friday, March 19, 2010

It Don't Take a Whole Day to Recognize Sunshine

MAN. It's about to get real serious at the gym. Temperatures are rising which means it's bikini season! I love the sun. Last year I drove around the city in just my bikini top and shorts. I wish I could do that everyday. I love the water (even though I can't swim). I hate wearing clothes. I love tropical places. And I love being brown and just lounging around with no makeup. Hopefully, I'll get to do some of that this weekend if the weather permits. Have a good one everybody!

BTW: You know I had to include an irrelevant shot of Pac-Man in the screen shot!

Fuck You

Please get the fuck away from me, 'Cuz I like ur steez.
Walk in the opposite direction, Before I up and leave.
Your height. Your built. Your talk. Your fade.
Your eyes. Your smile. Please don't let him stay.
You make me laugh, Do all the things I like.
And it scares me so much, I think I just might.
Forget your number, And that we ever met.
Let me delete it right now, Oh fuck there goes your text.
"You like the Warriors?" Shit, what do I say?
"Got floor seats to the game!" How 'bout "No fucking way"
'Cuz ur sweet, ur nice, And get along with my friends.
Unselfish, and thoughtful, OK, this shit has to end.
Right here, right now, 'Cuz there's no way, no how.
I'm a tear this wall down, After it stood so proud.
'Cuz ur nothing I hate, And everything I could love.
Loyal, smart, talented, All the above.
I'm sorry, I just can't, There goes the door.
It's not my fault, Blame all the men before.
I rather miss out, Than feel the pain.
Of falling in love, And getting hurt again.
You don't want to know me, I'm no good for you.
(God, we'd be so perfect, If you only knew)
I think you could make me happy, But I don't care to know.
I think I could love you, But I rather you go.
I want to tell you I'm scared, But instead I'll say
Please get the fuck away from me, Just please go away.

P.S. It's just a poem guys lol.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

'Cuz that shit is just RUDE.

"Don't wish for a lighter load, Wish for a stronger back"
~Unknown

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Unnecessary Truth?

Since the beginning of time we have been told that "honesty is the best policy." That telling the truth would always be rewarded, and integrity would never go unnoticed. George Washington said it, and Honest Abe agreed. Then good old President Clinton dun fucked it all up by saying, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

But perhaps thats one of the reasons we all loved him so much. Not because he was a liar, not because he played the saxaphone, and not because he didn't inhale - but because he was human.

I would never encourage lying. No wait, I'm lying. Unless you're lying to your man about having lunch with your girls so that you can go buy decorations for his surprise birthday party or you're lying to your woman about being broke because your saving up for her engagement ring (or something along those lines) - then I would never encourage dishonesty.

However, (there's always a however lol) after watching The Invention of Lying last night, I almost feel as if lying is essential in order for humanity to function. I mean, just imagine the chaos that would ensue if we woke up tomorrow with the inability to fib? So then I thought about my day today and tried to remember how many times I told a lie, no matter how small it might have been. And you know what? The closest I got to it was when a vendor came in and asked if I was ok. I just looked at him and smiled. To which he replied, "That's good."

No it's not dick-face.

I felt like shit. Daylight savings time fucked me up. I was annoyed that I had writers block. I was mad my ass and tits weren't getting bigger as my stomach was getting flatter. I was depressed over my checking account balance. And I was frustrated over my non-existent career. Sure, it sounds silly but nevertheless - I was NOT good.

But at least I didn't lie. I simply witheld information.

I think the movie should've been called The Invention of Witholding Information instead. Because that's pretty much what it all came down to. Some things are just better left unsaid. Especially if not asked. It's really not necessary for u to tell me ur dick got hard after u read my last blog about bj's. I promise. Just like it ain't necessary for me to tell you 'bout the time I swallowed my own yack 'cuz I didn't want to go Linda Blair on the dancefloor. U hate me now don't u? EXACTLY.

It's not being fake. It's about not letting other people's lives get in the way of yours and minding ur own business. It's also about not giving away TMI, which I will be the first to admit I am guilty of. "Boy did I show the toilet whose boss just now!" (Sorry, me and my girls' TMI threshold is a high one lol).

There is a right and a wrong time for everything. If u just met ur bothers new girlfriend and she looks like a donkey, u probably don't need to tell him that (although as a good sister I'm sure u will anyway). But if u kissed ur girlfriends best friend last night ... not telling her would still be fatal to the relationship. Sure, she may never find out, but when she does u are twice at fault. Depending on the situation, witholding is just a way to disguise a potential lie. It's a scape goat. It's a cop-out.

There is a fine line between witholding information and lying. Walk it carefully. 'Cuz sometimes it's just as bad as lying - either way ur still hurting someone who cares about u that u most likely care about as well.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

It's like Halloween for alcoholics. A reason to get shit-face on a Wednesday and not be judged for it. Gotta love the Irish! Nicole, it's twice the reason to celebrate today. Happy birthday mama! May you wake up with yak on your shirt, no phone, by a dumpster, next to homeless people :)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

AVA(nt)-Garde

Club-Cakin

Chau-Chau!
(ps. my hair is disgusting. MUST CUT SOON)

We bang in our White-Vees

Congrats to the homie Evan!

Court, Kris, and Moi

Why so down Panda-Bear?

Fucking Geli lol

Good times as usual.
But may I suggest that bars start serving apple juice as chase so I can just drink Henn? Goose is starting to give me a headache.

Monday, March 15, 2010

And if You Don't Know, Now You Know ...

Face it, Follow it, Fall in love with it.

Get it Pappin aka It's A Slow Blogging Day

This morning I hit an all time record of snooze buttons before actually getting out of bed - 6 to be exact. I finally woke up to KRON news' Evelyn Taft saying it would hit the 70s inland. The sun was shining through my bathroom window, and Bob Marley was playing full blast on my laptop while I showered. It was so nice outside that I was able to break out my strappy sandals which haven't seen the light of day since last May. If I was still in college, it would've been one of those mornings where I didn't go to class and laid out in the grass or went to the beach instead. But forget all of that. 'Cuz nothing says "Good first monday morning after daylight savings time" better than a 9am gyno appt with a male doctor. FML.

So as I'm sitting there butt-booty nekkid underneath my ever so fashionable hospital blue couture waiting for the Dr. (can I just say this is the first time a man has ever made me wait naked?), I couldn't help but think back to my very first papsmear. I had come in with my bf at the time for moral support and we were both absolutely mortified. I was still in h.s. and even he had barely been in my va-jay-jay so I was not happy at all that some hippie doctor with hemp earrings on was going to be in there as well.

I vividly remember the first words she said to me: "Sweety, what he puts in there is a lot bigger than what I'm about to put in. And if it isn't, well then we have a problem." And just like that, my apprehension subsided. Almost 10 years later, I've gotten quite used to a complete stranger being all up in my bizsnatch considering I get waxed routinely, but one thing I will never get used to is enemy #1: The Speculum.

I'll say it again. "The Speculum." Dun.Dun.Dunnn. I dunno about u, but it totally sounds and looks as uncomfortable as it feels. Maybe I just have a small vagina opening or maybe I'm just a wuss when it comes to people sticking foreign objects in my nether regions (can u blame me though?) but either way, I am not a fan. I don't like that kind of screwing around down there. It's cold. It's uncomfortable. A little diabolical. And everytime the Dr. adjusts that screw on the bottom and I can HEAR it, it's worse than hearing them drill ur teeth at the dentist. U would think that they'd redesign this thing by now. 'Cuz it looks like some sort of medieval torture device. Perhaps some soft rubber to cushion the duck bill looking part? Or maybe manufacture them in a floral print or pastel color to at least give u the impression that it's ur friend.?!

But then I thought maybe it's not meant to be ur friend. Maybe for those who are visiting the gyno for reasons other than ur routine pap (i.e. UR A FUCKING SLUT), it's meant to scare u and be a constant reminder that until u stop being a whore or stop being allergic to condoms - that The Diabolical Duck (which is what I will be calling it from now on) will be waiting *insert evil laugh here*

As for myself? My aunt recently found a cancerous lump in her breast and will be having surgery for it this week. Because I'm a pranoid freakazoid I asked the doc to check that out as well and survey says: I'm lump free! And I will definitely be crossing my fingers that my aunt will be lump free soon too.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

"Everyone says love hurts, but that isn’t true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt."
~Unknown

Say What?! - Spring FORWARD Edition

  • There already isn't enough hours in the day, and then yall wanna go and do this daylight savings time booshit. I woke up this morning not knowing what day or time it was and now I'm running late for brunch! Whoever invented daylight savings time, FUCK U FUCK U FUCK U. Sooo not necessary. Oh well. Spring Forward it is.
  • I was having a flawless makeup day Friday night so I got conceited in the bathroom. Today I woke up with a pimple on my forehead. That's what I fucking get. Anyway, thnx to everyone who came through to Azul for the Ava launch (more pics to come once Kris *ahem* uploads 'em). NO THNX to the people who bought me drinks lol.
  • I almost fell asleep watching the fight last night it was so ridiculous. Matter fact, I was on the phone with Kaiser making an appt. during the 11th round lol. I'll be honest though, I was a little nervous seeing Clottey just stand there. I thought Uncle Manny was gonna get impatient or tired. I did love the camaraderie between the 2 though. Third world country fighters gotta stick together naw mean? LOL. All in all, it just made everyone even more eager to see Pacquaio vs. Mayweather.
  • Speaking of Pacquaio, this by far is my fave interview of his. "He forgot to eat his ass" Oh Manny just fight, don't talk.

  • Yayyy I found my Juicy cupcake necklace and my watch today!
  • Currently on repeat: "For the Money" by Fab feat. Nicki M., and "Crazy Night" by R. Kells feat. R. City
  • I need to start my own edition of "Texts From Last Night," thank God I only receive them instead of send LOL.
  • Saw these Sam Edelman babies at Nordstrom the other day. They was NICE. But the price was MEAN.

So instead, I copped these Dolce Vita wedges for the Spring. Thnx to mommy for knowing the importance of retail therapy. What do u think, should I keep them or return 'em and wait for something better to come out?
  • I sincerely apologize for all the "Dear Abi" emails I haven't answered. I have not forgotten. I just believe in quality answers that take a long time to writer as opposed to timely bullshit responses.
  • It's been a BEAUTIFUL weekend starting with the birth of the newest addition to the family on Friday - Francezna Aaliyah Zayla (ok seriously though? lol) on Friday.
  • My girl Kris met hottie Olivia Munn yesterday and said she was super nice. I felt inclined to google her ever since and came across this. I kinda love her. She reminds me of ... well me. But a thousand times hotter. And with mixed genes, a flatter stomach, and bigger tits. Her co-host can get it too for being a good sport.

  • Once again, happy birthday to my girl Ness. *UPDATE* Ugh, champagne brunch = champagne headache FML.
  • I hope everyone had just a good of a weekend as I did. I think I've went out more in this past month than I have in the past 6 months and as much fun as I've had I am EXHAUSTED. I love to dress up every now and then, and I love to get wild but it gets old real fast. Friends - please stop having ur birthdays and launch parties all at the same time. It's hazardous to my health. I think after SHINE at Minna this weekend (if u don't know now u know) I'm taking a break. In the mean time just thought I'd let u know there's an opening for a "Friends who like to stay home and watch Red Box movies" during the weekends position in my life. Please send ur resume to "mouf.peace@gmail.com".

Ride or Die

A very special Happy Birthday to my ride or die bitch Vanessa, who although may be MIA every now and then - always comes through for me in the clutch. There are too many memories and too many inside jokes. My closest and longest running friend (since we were little girls lol!), I trust her with my LIFE. Even though we still can't hug unless we're drunk, I don't need a shot of Goose today to tell you how much I appreciate having you in my life. Things didn't work out and we never became cousins but it's ok 'cuz I love you like a sister anyway. GAY GAY GAY lmao.


Friday, March 12, 2010

The Anthem

This song makes me want to do my happy drunk dance with my eyes closed and one hand in the air holding a beer. Don't mind if I do :) Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

P.S. Akon needs to put on Rock City already. Peep their "Put the Fucking Album Out" mixtape and you should agree.

Spring Hair, Don't Care

It's about that time ...

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Loose Lips Sink Ships

For many years I pondered the significance of balancing a healthy relationship along with the friendships I hold sacred to me. Until one day my girl made the point that friendships are relationships. And when u think about the time, love, and effort u invest to cultivate them, it's rather obvious. Yet for some reason, relationships involving crushes, boyfriends, girlfriends, etc., always seem to take precedence over the relationships we have with friends and family.

I see it happen all the time. Girl and guy fight. Guy all of a sudden wants to kick it with the boys. Girl and guy make up. Boys never see guy again. Orrr guy lies to girl repeatedly but girl always takes guy back. Girl's girl lies to her once. Girl and girl never talk again. Or some variation of above. And although these are circumstances that occur more often than not, the fact that most are so quick to discredit their friends and family before anything or anyone else - never ceases to amaze, nor perplex me.

Sometimes we hurt the people that love us the most, and allow the peole who we love the most to hurt us. Almost as if it's not the rule, but the exception. Almost, as if it's ok. I believe this is partly because we know or we expect that they will always be there for us. And if they're really our friends and really our fam-bam, they will be. However, this notion should never justify the way we treat people. Especially the people who were there before, during, in between, and after every failed relationship. Nobody's love should ever be taken advantage of.

We're on ur side when we tell u we just want to see u happy. I'M IN UR CORNER.

I've always been one to place my friendships, and I mean my real friendships next to if not above my relationships when appropriate. But sometimes, because the bonds we share with our friends (who really are our the brothers and sisters we get to choose for ourselves ) are so deep, they hurt twice as bad when severed. The pain and betrayal is too unbearable to simply overlook, and unfortunately, the friendship is lost. It's life. It happens.

We're stubborn and we're prideful. But if we can bend for our boyfriends and swallow our pride for our girlfriends - then we should be able to do the same for the friends who we once thought of as our family.

So although things will never be the same again, nor would I want them to be. If you're reading this (I've actually asked around for your email address but apparently you change it as much as I change my phone # lol), I want you to know that although I have chosen to love you from afar - I still love you nevertheless. I think about your well-being all the time, and wish nothing but the best for you.

Love,
Ur little flauta
OK. Who did it? Which one of you fucks put crack in my coffee this morning? klasjdflksjadflajsdopw

Love and War

4 things you should do this week:
1. Peep the Ava Domina lookbook (that I helped style :o) here
2. "Fan" 'em on Facebook
3. Last but not least, come through to Azul tomorrow night for their launch party
4. Say hi if you see me!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Love the Homies

[16:46] abstract: omfg i have like 4 different topics i want to blog about but my brain hurts
[16:46] suavecito: take notes and reminder subnotes and just rest... one at a time abi! lol
[16:46] suavecito: you can only save the world one blog at a time haha
[16:46] abstract: lmao

"and even when i'm a mess, i still put on a vest with an "s" on my chest, oh yes, i'm a superwoman ..."

LMAO - Like It, Love It, Gotta Have It!



It's like sleeping in lotion!

Monday, March 8, 2010

Obsessed With You: Hellz Bellz Spring 2010 Collection

And there goes my income tax refund ...

Peep the entire collection here but don't say I didn't warn u when ur decked out all in Hellz ... but living outta ur car.


Top 5 Reasons Why You Shouldn't be Intimidated by Lil' Ole' Me

Saturday morning I woke up feeling shitty. The weird part was, nothing bad happened. And the night before I had a blast thinking I was Alicia Keys (more like Alicia Please) during drunk karaoke. But for some reason, I woke up feeling like someone ran over my puppy. So I ate breakfast and went to the gym ... where I received a pleasant surprise from the girl at the front desk. She said she read and loved my blog! It may not have looked like I was ecstatic at the time, considering I was half asleep, slightly still drunk from the night before, and was not looking forward to working out for the next 2 hours buuut talking to her really made my day. So thnx for being an inspiration Cara! (Hope u don't mind me busting u out right now lol)

We run into people everyday that stand out or make a difference in our lives, whether they're old friends or people we'd like to meet for the simple fact they seem "cool". Sometimes we make the connection and sometimes we don't. I've been told more than once from both men and women that I seem intimidating at first for one reason or another. Truth is, I am far from it. I don't want to say I'm a nobody, but I am definitely nobody to be intimidated of. And the following are 5 truths to prove just that. Actually, they prove I'm more of a ruh-tard than anything else but either way, they should give u a reason to stop being gay and just say hi!
  1. I cannot text and walk at the same time. So far I've run into a fence, a table, a phone booth, my mom, and a filing cabinet.
  2. I drooled onto the space bar of my keyboard just now. I'm not a drooler, but I'm chewing gum. Apparently I can't chew gum and type at the same time either fml.
  3. Imagine having to stick your arm out ur car window to open the door everytime u got out. Now imagine doing that in front of a house party filled with cute guys. It's a humbling experience I tell u.
  4. I own a fucking rubberband ball. I mean seriously, how can u be intimidated by someone who owns a rubberband ball?
  5. I am probably just as shy to meet u.

What a Night

Thnx to Gis for giving me the biggest kawawa face and guilt trip of the century that got me to come out to Sloane afterwards lol. Good fucking times.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

"It's sad when people you know become people you knew. When you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. How you used to be able to talk for hours. And now, you can barely even look at them."
~Unknown

Daddy's Little Girl

You may recall previous blogs of mine that mention my mom. And in case you couldn't tell by now, yes we are extremely close. But this post isn't about me and my relationship with my mom, it's about me and my relationship with my father. Or rather, lack thereof.

Some of u may be wondering y I never mention him on here. Well, it's because I never had a father. And when I say that, I mean it. I don't mean one day he stopped coming home, or he ducks in and out of my life from time to time. I mean his signature is not on my birth certificate. I mean he stood my mom up the day they were supposed to get their marraige license while I was still in her womb. I mean, he went off and married someone else and had 3 kids with her instead.

But don't feel sorry for me. Compared to those whose parents divorced at an age old enough for them to remember, my situation is a blessing. I never had to deal with hearing my parents fight over money. I never had to ask mommy why she was putting on perfume just to go to the "grocery store," or ask daddy why he smelled like the bar whenever he'd drop me off at school. And I never had to wonder if it was my fault they weren't together anymore.

Growing up it didn't bother me that all my friends dads chaperoned field trips to the museum, or that both parents showed up for parent teacher conferences. I didn't even care that everyone else celebrated Father's Day. To me, it was one less gift to buy every year. I wasn't angry, or bitter, or resentful. I didn't feel he owed me anything either (my mom yes, me? no). As a matter of fact, I felt absolutely nothing towards my father. Until one day ...

... one day when I looked in the mirror and hated the reflection I saw. I had just finished getting ready for a night out, hair did and makeup flawless. But I had never felt so ugly and worthless in my life. It was only then while dwelling over my past failed relationships that I considered the effects of not having a father figure in my life.

How could I feel worthy of receiving a mans love, when I wasn't even special enough for my own father to stay with me?

To say he was the reason I felt the way I did that day would be giving him too much credit. But I do believe his absence played a role in it. I never had a father to teach me the insights of the male mind. I never had a father to warn me about the "bad boys." I never had him sit me on his lap and tell me I was his beautiful little princess and that one day I would turn into a Queen and deserved a King, and nothing less. I never had a father to wipe away my tears and explain why guys acted the way they do and did the things they did. I never had a father to tell me how different men and women were and how different we think. How not to push a man away, but also how not to let them take advantage of ur love. I didn't have a father to tell me never to mock a mans tears because as my favorite blogger has said, "Those tears are the maps to the foreign places of a man's heart and when we see them, we know we have never been there before and he probably hasn't either." I'm so sorry. I never knew.

There is nothing in the world that can replace the relationship a mother has with her daughter, or the relationship a father has with his son. Even if I had the best father in the world, he would never be able to french braid my hair or help me get ready for my first date like only a mother could. And no matter how loud a mans mom is cheering in the stands at his baseball game, there's nothing like seeing the proud face of a father and feeling a sense of approval. But we should also take into account the importance of having relationships with our "other" parent as well.

We should also recognize that we can't always use not having a father or a mother as an excuse to treat people or be treated by people a certain way. Luckily for me, I have a mother that reminds me everyday that I don't have to be "Daddy's little girl," to be an amazing daughter, wife, or friend.

::Editors Note:: I met my father for the first time when I turned 14 in the Philippines per my moms request. Honestly, it was for her more than it was for me. All I wanted to do was swim and eat fruit salad. Since then, he's kept in contact by emailing me from time to time. I think I've responded maybe 3 times in the past 2 years, and I still hold no ill-feelings towards him. I also forgot to mention this bit of info: my writing ability comes from him. Surprise, surprise.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Good Morning, Megan

This may be one of the most sexiest things I've ever seen in my life. Yah. I totally look like that first thing in the morning LMAO.

Masturbation


Everyone does it. I unfortunately started at a very young age. And while it's now the year 2010 and more are open and even proud of it, there are still those who shy away at the mere thought. Whether it be due to embarrassment or shame, or even denial, it is definitely not something to be proud of. But people shouldn't be so hard on themselves either. It's natural. It's human. It happens. Hell, I do it. Almost everyday! I'm totally lying - everyday. In the morning when my alarm goes off, at night when I should be at the gym instead, and sometimes when it's really bad, even at work. I am guilty of it all. People of the world, my name is Abigail and I am a master-procrastinator.

'Cuz like they say,"Procrastination is just like masturbation. At first it feels good, but in the end you're only fucking yourself."

I don't know how many times I've taken pleasure in putting off writing an essay in college so that I could go to the beach with friends, play video games inside the student union, grab a burrito, go shopping, get my nails did, sketch a dress, twiddle my thumbs - basically do anything else BUT homework. Show me a pile of laundry that needs to be done, or a room that needs to be cleaned and I will show you 100 unecessary things I could and will do instead.

No matter how far in advance I was given a deadline, I'd still find myself blurry-eyed with a can of Red Bull at 1am starting the assignment hours before it was due. And if I had an exam at 2:30pm, you'd probably find me cramming in the library cutting the class before it just to study. If pressure makes diamonds, then I'm at least a 2 ct. GIA VVS D color stone baby. Whether it's designing a flier, writing an article, sending a package, moving my car, or paying a bill - if the consequences only affect me, then I will most likely wait until the last minute to do it. It's how I passed high school honors classes and graduated college as horrible as that reality may be.

The worst part is, once I get down to business and focus, I'm usually done in less than an hour. Sometimes I spend more time deciding what to wear on a date than that. Had I simply sucked it up and prioritized my time early on I could've easily avoided a lot of sleepless nights and hair pulling (and no, not the hurt so good kind). So why then do I still refuse to give myself a break and just deal with a task when it's given to me?

There are many reasons we procrastinators do what we do. But I found an article my magazine writing professor at SF State brought to class to hold the most interesting truth. It stated that one reason we procrastinate is because well - WE CAN, and we feel a sense of victory upon completion. FUCKING RIDICULOUS but in a sense, so fucking legit. Because when I'm able to complete a paper in 1 hour, and turn it in 5 minutes before it's due, AND get an A+ on it? Best believe the cocky fucker in me is saying in my best P. Diddy voice, "Take that, take that," to all the suckers who spent days slaving away in front of their computer at Borders working on their shit. God I can be such an asshole.

Call us perverted bastards looking for a cheap thrill, because we'll take it. It's still a thrill nevertheless. Have you ever heard a man complain about busting a nut too fast when jacking off? I haven't. But even so, I still hang my head in shame and don't advise procrastinating to anyone if it can be avoided at all. It's definitely not something my mother would be proud of. And I was about to write some witty conclusion to this post in an attempt to tie everything together but eh fuck it, I'll do it later ...

::Editors note:: For anyone who used to follow my MySpace (when I had one) this post may sound slightly familiar because I wrote on on the exact same subject with the same exact premise but never saved it. This was my attempt to re-write it. Bloggers - save ur shit before acting irrationally lol.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Stop Hoping, Start Doing

I was never one to hope. Truth be told (and ask any of my friends), I am not a "hope-er". But I am also not one to tell someone else NOT TO. To each their own, for I know people who say they wouldn't be alive or in love right now if it weren't for hope. And for that, I genuinely admire them.

But I personally, just never saw the logic in it. It's just not for me. I could sit here for the next hundred years and hope my little heart out that my boyfriend doesn't cheat on me or that I'll land a book deal, but hope does not guarantee anything. WE DO.

I used to feel bad for not believing in hope, but after reading this post from Tiny Buddha (Yall did it again!) I no longer feel that way. Here is my favorite excerpt from the piece, and the reason why I will never "hope" again.

"Hope is comforting, but not always empowering. Hope gives you possibilities in tomorrow. Belief gives you possibilities now.

When you believe you can be happy regardless of what you gain or achieve, you open your eyes and find reasons to feel and share joy.

When you believe you can have something better, you take responsibility for creating it, starting in this moment.

When you believe you’re complete, even if you don’t feel good in any given moment, you challenge yourself to think beyond your emotions, and remember the larger picture.

You can hope yourself into a corner, waiting for tomorrow to improve. Or you can believe your way onto center stage, and create that tomorrow you want.

It starts with what you think, feel, and do now.

Do happy. It’s something you’re due."

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Shake and Bake, Baby

P.S. Lance Moore ...

... CAN GIT IT.

Nothing on You

Monday night my phone rang, and when I picked up I heard this:

"Beautiful girls, all over the world.
I could be chasing, but my time would be wasted.
They got nothing on you, baby
Nothing on you ..."

It was the first time I had ever been serenaded to, and it was done by this 'lil Cassanova right here. Oh Hayden, can you please stay young, and sweet, and innocent forever?

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

David Fucking Silver

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

-Reinhold Niebuhr

My Adventures on Bart

This morning I'm waiting at the Bart station and some dude sits down on the floor next to me and plugs in what I believe was the first laptop ever invented 'cuz that shit was HUGE. A few minutes later the train arrives and as I'm walking towards its doors he starts talking to me, "Hey can you listen to something for me really quick? I'd like your opinion."

Mother fucker, I think to myself. All I want to do is put on my earphones and sleep. But because he was nice, and I'm nice I say ok. I sit in the seat in front of him as he explains that he made 2 songs the night before and wanted me to let him know which one he should keep, and which one he should toss. "Yah man, I was up till 3 making this one. I just mastered it," womp womp womp.

He then starts explaining how he had to re-do the track 3 times 'cuz he lost it once and then didn't like it the second time around. So I listen and the first thing I hear is ...

"R-L-S"

Now, if you like Ryan Leslie then you know what that means. So I'm thinking, "Um. OK. Maybe he re-wrote the lyrics." But nooooooo. He proceeds to play AND sing along to the entire "Irina" single off of Ryan Leslie's debut album. And I'm sitting there like, "No this n*gga didn't." But he sure did! 'Cuz soon after he switches the track and I hear the intro to "Addiction" featuring Cassie.

I didn't have to heart to put his ass on blast and let him listen to the Ryan Leslie album on my Ipod talkin 'bout "Hey this guy stole your song!" but I couldn't hide my, "Are you fucking stupid? Do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I've been living under a rock for the past 2 years?" face either. So I just say, "I liked the first one better," turn around, put my headphones on, and then proceed to text all my friends that I met Ryan Leslie on Bart.

aah-va dough-mee-na

Come through and say hi.

Monday, March 1, 2010

The Friend Zone

There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as annoying as someone stepping on ur Js and as timeless as road head. It is the middle ground between acquaintance and lover, between hope and reality, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his stubbornness. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Friend Zone.

This is for my fellas.

Unfortunately, I can't give the ladies advice on how not to land in the friend zone because I've never been there. Don't consider me cocky or even lucky for that either, 'cuz I'll take the "friend zone" over the "battle zones," I've been in any day - trust. Besides, I don't know too many females personally who've been in that position anyway. Not to say they don't exist, but unless there's excruciating circumstances, like my boy James once said: "Guys and girls are only friends because the girl keeps it that way."

And honestly, male or a female, I don't really think there's any way to avoid the friend zone - because if the feelings aren't mutual u can't force them to be. U shouldn't have to, nor should u want to. Feelings just won't magically appear out of thin air if u hang around long enough either, and I believe that's where the real issue lies. It's good and detrimental to have hope but it's even healthier to face reality. So while I can't tell u how to avoid the friend zone, I can give u reality. So ...
  • If u invite the chick out and she invites other people along or tells u to invite others, I'm sorry but more than likely u are in the friend zone. In the beginning, it's always nice to go out in groups to avoid potential awkwardness but after a few of those, if I really like the dude I really could care less if Tammy and Tom like the Exploratorium too. I don't want to kiss Tammy or Tom. I want to kiss u. And that is not happening if Tammy and Tom are sitting next to us inside the planetarium.
  • Now if u do get the chick out alone, that's good, but still no cigar. It may just truly mean she enjoys ur company. I wouldn't have guy friends if I didn't enjoy their company. BUT that is the extent of it. So don't get ur hopes up too high now. Especially if it's only 7:23pm on a Friday night and the chick says she's tired and has errands to finish. Errands? On a Friday night? U couldn't pay me to run errands on a Friday night. I've called in sick to work before without being asked just to spend time with a dude I really liked.
  • If she tries to hook u up with one of her friends or asks about one of ur boys, u are in the friend zone! I'm trying to think if I've ever suggested either in the past as a "test" to see what the dude I liked would say, but that's a negative. 'Cuz y the fuck would I want that? LOL. I'm selfish. If u ask about one of my girls, I won't cock block. But I would never just put it out there ... unless of course I wasn't feelin u lol.
  • If she talks to u about her guy problems, more than likely she doesn't want u to come to the rescue ... more than likely u are in the friend zone! That's not to say showing her some compassion won't make her realize that there are good guys out there, and u may be the good guy for her. BUT if I'm into you, I'm not gonna be talking to u about the last guy I was with or other guys I'm currently getting to know. I'm going to talk to u about YOU. "Ask u what ur interest are, who u be with. Things that make u smile, what numbers to dial." 'Cuz nothing screams "unstable with baggage," like talking about ur ex to the new dude and I don't want u to run away, I want u to make me believe me and my ex broke up so that we could meet.
  • If yall been hanging out for months, what more years, and still nothing has popped off, U ARE IN THE FRIEND ZONE! She is not being modest. Or taking things slow. She just isn't attracted u in that way. And don't fall for that "special friend," title either, 'cuz unless u tappin, there ain't nothing "special," about it. Girls want to kiss and touch and fuck just as much as men, so even if we may be too pussy to make the first move, we will def let u know we want u to make it instead.
  • And lastly, if she flat out says: I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS. Or any derivative of that, i.e. "I don't want to ruin our friendship." Sounds obvious, but u would be surprised. So please, save urself some face and time and money and believe her when she says, "I only see u as a friend/You're like my best friend!/Ew have sex with u that's gross, ur like my brother!" None of that means, "I want to be your girlfriend."
So if ur reading this right now with that, "Fucking shit," look on ur face 'cuz one or all the above has already happened - I'M SORRY. They say "never say never," so I'll never say u don't stand a fighting chance. But, u probably don't have one right this very moment. The best way for her to realize what she has in front of her might even be for u to walk away. I know, people can be so fucking complicated sometimes.

For the most part, guys have a different stance on this. It's either he likes u and he's wifin u, he doesn't like u but he's fuckin u, or he ain't talking to u at all. 'Cuz like my homie Scott says if he ain't feeling a chick, "U want to kick it? WTF for?" LMAO.

It's funny, because friends are awesome. Having them, and being one. Until the person u want to be more than friends with ... well, just wants to be friends. But trust me, there's far worse things u can be. Like the guy who hung around for the wrong reasons for months, refusing to see all the red flags only to one day call female up to "hang out," and hear her say, "Aw maybe tomorrow, I'm watching a movie with my new boyfriend tonight."

Ouch.

A Letter From Me to You

Dear stranger, reader, acquaintance, friend, sister, daughter, girl crying in the bathroom stall at the club trying to get away from it all,

I'm sorry I have not been around much lately to tell you this, but I am here for you.

I don't know how to make it go away, or how to make it all better, but I am here for you.

I may not be able to give you advice or make sense of things, but I am here for you.

And I have no idea how to make you smile again, or make you feel alive, but I am here for you.

Even if it means just listening and saying absolutely nothing. Even if it means sitting completely still and just letting you cry, I am here for you.

So that even if you feel as if the world has turned their back against you and everyone has given up, you will at the very least have one person in your corner - and that is me.

I won't tell you time will make everything better, because I know time has not been your friend lately. I won't even tell you that everything will be ok, because I know you can't see anything past the hurt and pain right now. I won't tell you that you are so much stronger than you think, because I know you have never in your whole life felt so weak. I won't tell you that you are not a fool for giving it your best, because I know you feel as if it still wasn't good enough. I won't tell you that you can have any man you want because I know you don't want just any man. I won't tell you that you have so much going for yourself, and so many people that do love and appreciate you, because I know you'll just feel ungrateful. I won't tell you it's not your fault, and that nothings wrong with you because you won't believe me anyway. But I will tell you this, even if you hate me for it:

You are amazing. I repeat: AMAZING.

So amazing that if me taking the burden of your pain and suffering meant you seeing even just a glimpse of the girl I see, and remember, and know very well - then consider it done.

Love,
Abi