Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Now, I've held off from advocating this method of "healing," because I would never encourage acting out of fear or anger. But so many of u have asked, and when ur mind has moved on but ur heart refuses to let go - we go to war with ourselves. And I'd hate to see any of u go through that. I would never wish that upon anyone, nobody deserves it. We'd like to be patient, and we'd love to look for the greater good in people. But when shit hits the fan and ur sanity has already been compromised, we do what we gotta do.
So what do I suggest yall do?
U become The Great Pretender and LIE. Lie ur broken and bruised little heart out.
Tell urself that yes it was that serious to get other people involved just so u can give in and s/he can get the simple satisfaction of knowing s/he still got u. That it was all games - nothing more, nothing less.
Tell urself, yes u should've walked away and never looked back.
U tell urself that there is a difference between being scared and being a coward - and honey, s/he is NOT scared.
Pretend that that tiny glimpse of hope was just a reflection of that shattered image of the past. A past that (u guessed it) no longer exists.
Pretend that she doesn't care. That ur just another dude. Just another convenience. Just another number on her call log.
Believe all the rumors, negativity, and assumptions. Believe the crazy. Believe the haters. Believe ur girls that want to cut his balls off or ur boys that wanna back hand that bitch in the face. Believe them when they say he's fucking her, and her, and her, and YOU.
Tell urself that u will move on. That this isn't love. That there is someone out there for each of us and it ain't that person ur dealing with right now. That sooner than u think it will be as if s/he never existed. That u deserve to be happy and loved, therefore, u will be happy and loved. That per my girl Tee, relationships don't work out for 1 of 2 reasons: they're not the right one, or it's just the wrong time. Now only remember the first part. That per my girl Rach: "there are 2 types of people in the world. there are the ones who just don’t know any better. and then there are the ones who do, but do the fucked up thing anyway," and s/he is the latter.
Tell urself that the man who gave u the best Christmas, and only Valentine's Day just killed Santa and shot Cupid. Tell urself that not only is the man he used to be lost, but he is gone forever and never coming back.
Remind urself that "the only people u need in ur life are the ones who need u in theirs." Now tell urself s/he doesn't need u in theirs.
Tell urself: "Hang out with the wrong crowd, wrong path. Love the wrong person, wrong path. Surround yourself with successfull people, and you too will succeed. "
And lastly, u front like they don't love u. And while ur at it, tell urself that they never did.
Because u know what? U don't really need to "pretend." More than likely, all of the above is true.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
When I think about my first time, I can't help but consider myself very lucky.
I was 17 at the time (or 16?), and honestly I'm surprised I lasted that long. In middle school I had dated experienced dudes way older than me. I was sneaking outta the house to go to theirs and coming back before the sun came up (parents I hope this teaches u to lock ur daughters in their room at nite lol). And high school half-days meant spin the bottle and 7 minutes in heaven sessions. Needless to say, I had put myself in many situations where having sex seemed inetivable but never happened. Shit, lemme pat myself on the back right quick.
It wasn't until I had reunited with an old friend from middle school (who we shall call "Jay") that I considered taking the plunge. I have no idea what it was about him either. I had been with dudes waaay cuter, but for some reason I was just really attracted to this guy with dreadlocks, tattoos, and multiple piercings that wore only Earth tones, and smelled like nag champa. He was sooo not my typical East Coast Tims wearing or Bay Area blunt rolling, SF beanie sportin type. But. BUT. He was so smooth on that spiritual Dead Prez "Mind Sex" tip and he had the most amazing, cut, arms that Jedi-mind slid my panties off everytime I'd sleep over. Suckerrrrr. GO FUCKING FIGURE.
Anyway, the night I lost my virginity to him I had gotten dropped off by some friends to his house after watching Toy Story on Ice (i think) Not even 5 minutes there, his pager starts blowing up and he says, "I'll be right back." After at least half an hour later, he comes back and I find out his ex-girlfriend was outside and they were arguing over some other booshit. Of course I was like "WTF?" but obviously it didn't bother me too much 'cuz we still had sex that night. And when I mean sex, I mean it in the most insignificant, technical way. Sometimes, I even count our encounter as a 1/2 on my list of "How many people have u slept with?" 'Cuz on the real (do people even say that still?) he stuck it in once, pulled it out, and then I made him stop.
I'm an asshole huh? LOL. The only reason I even count it, was 'cuz he had let me know later on that I bled on his sheets. It didn't hurt, it was just uncomfortable. And the only reason I stopped wasn't because he was probably still banging his ex-girlfriend. I stopped because I felt guilty. Guilty that I was losing my virginity to this dude, who wasn't even my man, who I didn't even remotely love. But this is why I feel extremely lucky.
Because in my opinion, I feel that had I lost my virginity to someone I thought I loved, it would've been that much harder for me when we broke up. And I most likely would've been tramautized for a while. I'm not telling u guys that losing ur virginity is overrated and to lose it to someone u don't care about to protect ur heart ... I'm just sayin. It worked out for me, because the next guy I was with ended up being my first love, and the sex we had definitely didn't count as no "1/2".
So unfortunately I don't have this amazing story about the first time I lost my virginity. 'Cuz really, the best way I can describe it is with this annecdote: "If I were a house, he broke into me. But nothing was stolen." Not my heart, nor my peace of mind. It's one of the very few things I regret in life.
Although now that I think about it? Damn, I should've let him finish lol.
So come on, now it's your turn. Share your first time if u dare. U can comment on here anonymously with a fake email address, or if ur that shy leave it on my Formspring!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
And then I checked myself.
Like omg "Abi, why the fuck do u even care?" The thing is: I DON'T. But to see something annoying or entertaining and immediately respond to it with disapproval is like second nature to me lol. Don't get it twisted, I give credit where it's due as well. But sadly, it's just so much more fun to talk shit sometimes! For shame!
Regardless of the fact that I talk "petty" shit, usually about complete strangers - it's still talking shit and ultimately bad vibes. So in an attempt to cut down (notice how I didn't say stop cold turkey? lmao) I've decided to acknowledge all the things that pisses me off in the most insignificant way, pour some liquor for their memory, and then dead that shit.
So for now ...
If u wear a full set of makeup, booty shorts, and a baby-tee tied into a half shirt to the gym? If u wear flip-flops in the pouring rain when the 10 day forecast called for thunderstorms all week and don't live in Hawaii? If ur a size 10 and insist on borrowing my clothes? If ur my size and insist on borrowing my clothes before coppin ur own? If ur kankles or thankles or back boobs are waving to me? If u use 3 syllable words when a "simple" word would be more appropriate? If ur overrated? If ur an attention whore? If u dress like ur going to the club to a basketball game just so u can get into the "afterparty?" If ur toes look like they're tryna escape from ur shoes and ur toenails are causing sparks on the cement? If u have the entire MAC counter on ur face but haven't heard of a blending brush? If ur wearing Ed Hardy or Affliction? Consider today ur lucky day!
I'm sure I'll continue to talk shit when it's appropriate (like u catch ur man in bed with ur sister, which actually calls for a beat down) but today I vow to not sweat the petty things ... or at least not say it outloud ... or at least not as frequent lol (sorry it's just too hilarious NOT to share sometimes).
Monday, January 25, 2010
I was under the impression that u get sweaty 'cuz u get a good workout. But no no no little girl, it's cuz ur bending and twisting in a class room of 30+ other people in 104º heat. I can't even last 5 minutes in a sauna. I was so sure I'd pass out or give up, so sure that I laid right next to Q in front of the exit door lol.
Buuut, not only did I stay the entire hour and a half (do u know how hard it is to do an hour and a half of ANYTHING non-stop?) but we all stayed! Aaand I did every single pose! Yaaaaah buddy. Needless to say, I'm very proud of myself. I feel great and if I lived closer to Being Yoga, I'd be there every week. I'm not turning into a "yogi" or anything, but if ur interested in improving ur lifestyle body and soul, I would definitely suggest trying yoga for the following reasons:
- It's an excellent but healthy way to push ur body. When u spend that much time stretching and testing out muscles u never knew existed, u get to know urself pretty well.
- Bragging rights! Bikram yoga isn't all peace, serenity, and granola. That shit is INTENSE. I would be sexist and make fun of the dudes in the class for being seemingly "gay" if they weren't all better than me.
- You sweat it the fuck out and is a guaranteed way to shed some weight, albeit it just a few pounds of water weight. Seriously, I left that place looking as if I participated in a wet t-shirt contest (nts: do not wear a white bra under a white tank for ur next session). I have never sweat so much in my entire life.
- Yoga cleanses ur body, physically and mentally. After the initial "ew, sweat just got in my eye and stings/ew, sweat just got in my mouth and its salty" u feel AMAZING. My skin feels great, and my body feels toxin free. And without sounding like a total hippie, the breathing exercises and minutes of silence and meditation freed my mind momentarily of unecessary stress.
- A BETTER SEX LIFE. Um helloooo. Ur posing in weird ass positions for a minute at a time in sweaty conditions, building your stamina, agility, and flexibility. Good God my next boyfriend is gonna GIT IT.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
- "The only people you need in your life,
are the ones who need you in theirs"
- Not the hardest of Nicki's songs but catchier than a bitch, and I'm feelin that Annie Lennox sample. It's a cute little radio friendly song. U can even call it bubble-gum, I'm sure she won't mind. Afterall she IS a Barbie bitch. I kinda love her lol.
"Shawty I'm a only tell u this once, u the illest, And for ur lovin I'm a Die Hard like Bruce Reallist ..."
I also suggest peepin the Rihanna reference track "Saxon," it's sexy, steezy, and hard all at the same time.
- Thanks Lawn for my Melody Ehsani Pow ring that I've been wanting foreverrr. It's a 'lil big but don't think for one second I'm too booghie to wrap some tape around that bitch and MAKE IT FIT. (p.s. it looks like I have a boy cut in this pic. Gah it's high school all over again).
- And this is for Anna down in SoCal. Yes, my nails "grow like fake," no cute-o-geyel necessary lol.
Mani-pedi's are so frivolous, but for a girl like me, they work wonders. I didn't get my shit done for like a month and everyone surprisingly noticed. So as soon as they were long enough I drove over to Cindy's on Mission and let 'em hook me up. And when I was done, I couldn't help but look down at 'em and think to myself, "Oh ... there u are Hot.Sauce" lmao.
- Work hard. Play harder. Las Vegas - it's where the MAGIC happens. See u at the Ava booth!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The most beautiful woman in the world can look at herself in the mirror and truly believe she is ugly. And that man who once looked at u like u were his world one day, can just as easily look at u as his bootycall the next.
It gets confusing. And we easily get so blinded by love and clouded by negative thoughts that the bigger picture is never in plain view. But it is imperative for us to differentiate who we are dealing with. It's vital to our sanity, and most of all - our hearts.
So before u let that next tear roll down that cheek of urs, remind urself that u are about to cry for a man who no longer exists - a complete stranger. This man is everything he loathed, everything he talked shit about, and everything he swore he'd never be. Still don't believe me? BELIEVE IT. 'Cuz this man is not worth ur tears, and the man who is? The man he used to be? Well he would never, ever make u cry to begin with.
I'm sure the guy who wore fake eyelashes for u and only u just to make u laugh is still in there somewhere. But let him go find himself, 'cuz it ain't up to u to resurrect the dead. 'And by then u'll have found that amazing woman u swear has disappeared as well.
"Oh my God it's Duane Ramos of ComposurE!!!!!!!"
Sunday, January 17, 2010
P.S. Everytime u see Duane sing to someone on his left and a girl scream - that's me lmao.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Consequently, a study shows that most people don't actually regret the things they've done. Most people regret the things they never got to do. Whether it be cliff diving in Waimea Bay or telling someone they love them. One thing I regret not doing, is posting this blog that I wrote back in June of 2009. Till this day I don't know why I let my fear get in the way of me posting it.
I know it's the past. And yes, the past does no longer exist. But after reading the following passage in a book today: "most of the fights, areguments, and disagreements we have with our friends, coworkers, family members, and especially with our significant otehrs come down to one fundamental issue: one or both of us isn't feeling appreciaeted" I thought it would be appropriate. It's not meant to change anything, just to remind u to be thankful, not on someones birthday, not on Thanksgiving, not after a disaster - but everyday. I hope everyone has an awesome weekend and takes some time out to show their grattitude to those they truly appreciate in life.
Puppy Love (the original post)
Yesterday I had probably thee worst headache of my life. And I've had MANY. There was a point in my life where for a while I got migraines almost every day. I was almost positive I had some sort of brain tumor. Fortunately, the occurances subsided. I still get them from time to time but on a more normal basis. But yesterday I seriously wanted to shoot myself in the head to make the pain go away.
It started towards the end of my work day. And worsened as I was waiting for Bart. When I got back to my bf's house, I opened all the windows, put down all the shades, turned off all the lights, and just laid in bed. But I couldn't fall asleep 'cuz there was pressure coming from all sides of my brain that prevented me from finding a comfortable position.
When I called my bf he told me that I didn't have to pick him up at Bart anymore and that he'd just walk home 'cuz he didn't want me driving in so much pain. Before we hung up I started crying. I just wanted him to be next to me already. When he got home he kissed me on my forehead, gave me an Excedrin, and tucked me in bed. Then, he went to the store and came back with some food. He set up towels on the floor next to me in case I couldn't make it to the bathroom to throw up 'cuz I started to feel sick and I couldn't eat. I finally fell asleep, ears full of tears but in the arms of my boyfriend. I woke up the next morning feeling better and thanking God for having him in my life.
Last night he reminded me of why I was still with him despite numerous arguments, misunderstandings, and ultimately a rocky start. He's one of the most thoughtful and unselfish people I have ever met in my life and as much as I complain, I am really, really lucky to be loved by such a caring person. I barely mention him on here, (and this is probably the only time I ever will because I've learned from past mistakes it's better to keep things that u hold dear to u private) but I just wanted to take the time out to let him know how much I truly appreciate him.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
No. They're worse.
They're graphic, and reveal waaay TMI. But they are always interesting and entertaining. Just last Saturday me and my girl were at a bar surrounded by folks, and although the night was a blur I do specifically remember the following statements being made ... loudly may I add:
"He was big."
And that's rated PG by the way. A popular sex topic that always comes up during girl talk is fellatio. Head. Blow jobs. Dome. Eating out. Becky. Going down. etc. etc. And I always have the same answer (which I am about to get sooo much shit for right now): I rather give than receive.
Men, please pump ur brakes and take a cold shower. And females, cease with the hate comments and femenist emails. Just because I like it, don't mean just anyone's gettin it. Having said that, lemme proceed and explain why 'cuz I know there are a bunch of chicks out there shaking their head in disgust thinking "This bitch is trippin," and a gang of dudes thinking, "THERE IS A GOD."
So here's the thing. Asides from the fact that I plain and simply don't mind it - I actually get a kick out of it. Feeling my man squirm and hearing him breathe heavy turns me the fuck on and let's me know I'm doing a good job. Making my man feel good, makes me feel good.
Sure, men are disgusting. They play ball, do jiu jitsu, and their balls get sweaty. But when all is said and done (and showered), a dick is like a finger to me. OK let's hope it's nothing like a finger, but it's an appendage. Unless the dude ur fucking is dirty, in a sense, sucking a dick is like sucking on ur fingers after u eat a juicy piece of chicken and u got hot.sauce drippin down ur hands (I'm sure yall will never eat chicken the same way again). I know, I know. Ur still weary. But that's just the way I look at it.
And that's pretty much it in a nutshell (no pun intended). Not all women feel this way. In fact, most don't. But unicorns do exist! lol. Ultimately though, yall gotta remember to compromise. Because this thing called "69-ing" exists as well. It's a win-win situation. And everyone likes to win in the bedroom.
Monday, January 11, 2010
- Go late. After peak time, which is usually after most people get off of work. During weekdays, I like to go around 8:30-9pm. That way I'm done by 10-10:15, home by 10:30. I shower, and then KO. Plus, I hate people. I like going when there's barely anyone there. U ain't gotta wait for machines and have the rooms all to urself. No one to look or feel stupid in front of, and no one to holler at u or stare at ur ass.
- Have a workout partner. It makes the time pass faster and ur less likely to flake when u got someone else counting on u for motivation, my work out partner however, is just gonna kick my ass (Jay I am not looking forward to our first training sesh. Matter fact I hate u in advance!).
- Don't wear makeup. Matter of fact, if ur serious about this don't ever expect to look cute at the gym PERIOD. U sweat and look greasy and turn red. At least I do lol. Trust me, u don't want to be the girl with a full set of makeup and hair did at the gym with the Playboy sweats and half shirt.
- IPod, IPod, Ipod! Music really saves lives at the gym. I lagged on going for a month for the simple fact my old Nano broke (which reminds me, I have to name my new one). It just makes shit less boring. Plus, it drowns out all the grunting noises coming from the weight room.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Last night was my first attempt at making a flower hair-piece for my girl Tee's wedding day! I'm not able to attend the actual ceremony in Hawaii next month (FML) but I still wanted to be a part of it somehow and this was the only way I could think of. Everything including the flower itself is hand made. I just used pearl spray, white netting, fabric rose petals, rhinestones, feathers, ribbon, and my trusty glue gun. I'm proud of myself, and I'm honored Tee will be wearing this on her special day.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
For more info check out Boogie Events
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Some people ask for space so they can "find themselves" when really, they wanna find themselves in someone else's arms. Been there, done that.
And then some people ask for space so that they can be a better person for the one they Love ... and they mean it and they become just that. Again - been there, done that.
They say nothing is stronger than Love. That there is nothing more powerful. Yes there is, and that is Time.
Time can rebuild feelings u forced urself to get rid of for ur first love, but at the same time it allows u to build new feelings for someone else. Time allows u to get over one person and under another one. It makes u realize how much u really Love someone, while it makes others realize u never meant anything to them at all. It differentiates a phase from something that will change ur life forever.
Time makes things easier for the person who wants to forget but harder for the other who is struggling to remember the smallest memory, or grasp onto the tiniest bit of hope. Time leaves room for resentment to grow and paranoia to engulf every inch of ur body. It lets u discover just how cruel people can be and how weak u are. Time allows things to get more and more complicated and confusing.
Time is never fair. It always plays favorites. It drags during tattoo sessions and flies when ur kissing someone good-bye. An hour spent with the love of ur life can seem like a stolen moment, whereas a day can seem like an eternity for the heartbroken. Time sets unruly deadlines, and ultimatums on the heart.
They say patience is a virtue and nothing worth having comes easily. They say time is ur only friend. I don't want to be friends. Fuck time.
Time waits for no one ... but neither will u. So u bow out gracefully. And hope that Time allows u to realize it was all a dream. All a phase. Since Time is the answer to everything, u convince urself that it will let u know the love u feel right now is not real, it does not exist.
But most of all, underneath it all. U secretly pray that ur wrong and everyone else is right. U unwillingly hope that Love does conquer all. That Love is louder than ur boys telling u, "Fuck that bitch. New year, new girl," or ur girls concerned whispers of, "He's a lying asshole. U deserve better." That Love is stronger than pride, lust, fear, regret, bitterness, animosity, curiousity, pain, and vengeance. U pray that Love will put Time in a rear naked choke hold and makes that bitch tap the fuck out.
Back then Foxy and 'Lil Kim were rappers turned sexy symbols. But now it seems as if the industry has gone video vixen turned rap superstar. I remember seeing Angel Lola Luv for the first time in Trey Songz' Superwoman video and then in Kanye's Good Life video. OK, I never noticed her, I just noticed her freakishly huge ass. She then graced every hip-hop/black mens magazine there was before dropping the Angel and Luv and going by the rapper alias and boss bitch mentality of Lola Monroe *blank stare* but like I said, I ain't mad.
Then, in the opposite corner we have the 5 Star Chick, Barbie bitch, and leading lady of Young Money - Nicki Minaj. I first seen her walking along side Amber Rose back in the day. I thought she was gorgeous so I googled her and came across The Jump Off 2. But it wasn't until I heard "Itty Bitty Piggy," that I actually took a liking to her. Yah she's kind of crazy looking and has a tendency to roll her eyes to the back of her head (I'm sure the guys lurrve this lol) and probably doesn't write her own rhymes but the bitch got PRESCENCE. I came across an interview on YouTube that compared the 2 and Lola popped off on the subject so I decided to listen to her shit and sure enough, there are similarities both stemming from a 'Lil Wayne comparison.
Who bit off who? I dunno. Maybe they didn't. Either way, I've come to the conclusion that although I think Lola is flyer and spits harder - Nicki gets my vote. Her delivery is RIDONK just like her ass, and it takes a special woman to deliver Weezy's lyrics (i'm assuming he writes at least some of her shit). Peep the two vids below and tell me who u think rocked it best?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
U know, it takes big cajones to post anything on the internet nowadays. Whether it be a personal story, a fictional example, or even a movie review. Ur left vulnerable and open to so much criticism. People always wanna judge - both good and bad. What I wanted to say though is: DON'T BELIEVE THE HYPE.
I can write about how strong I've become, or how much someone hurt me. How much I've grown because of it. Who I've been with, who I've met, who I had sex with last night. The things I own, the things I do, and the places I go to. But nobody, knows the truth. I'm not saying I'm a complete liar. I'm saying, don't assume - ask. And even then, no one but me and the parties involved know what really happened.
I am not a psychiatrist (thank God, 'cuz I think I'd have a few lawsuits against me by now), nor am I qualified in any way to give advice. This blog wasn't meant to solve anyone's problems or make the world a better place. I am no expert in ANYTHING. I'm just an ordinary chick who's made extraordinary mistakes ... and is even a repeat offender. I regret. I cry. And I cry some more. I kick myself when I'm down and am stubborn as hell. I give good advice that I never take. And unfortunately, at times, I can be a hypocrite. U see, I am an expert in NOTHING. I'm just a silly little girl who's experienced love on so many different levels and isn't afraid to share it with the world.
When I started writing this blog, I simply needed a place to collect all my work since MySpace was dying. I never expected it to turn into anything else. So once again, I don't write to make anyone out to be the bad guy or to pretend I'm the victim or even some love guru. Remember, I choose what I want to write. I choose what I want to share. And only I know what's real and what isn't. In the words of the great Trick Daddy (lol) "Yall don't know nan."
But if this blog did have any other purpose, it would be to simply to let u know that u are not alone. Nobody is.
He's all sorts of Matlock and Kenny G dopeness.
We have the same taste in women ... most of the time.
I have no idea why my shoulders are so tan and my face is so white.
He asked if I could plug his upcoming collabo with Hiero/Souls even though I don't really do random fashion posts.
I told him I'd do it for a friend.
I would've done it even if he didn't ask.
This is my friend Evan, and this is his clothing line Adapt.
Oh, and ladies - he's single.
And right now, he's probably mad I'm pimpin him out.
"Oakland-based hip-hop legends Hieroglyphics and Souls of Mischief have teamed up with bay-area streetwear staple Adapt on a collaborative tee shirt project entitled '93 til. A nod to the Soul's classic anthem '93 til Infinity, it will be available in both black and white colorways on Tuesday, January 12th, exclusively through Hieroglyphics.com, Adaptclothing.com, True, and Status (San Francisco). Very limited quantities. Visit adaptclothing.com and hieroglyphics.com for additional info."