Friday, July 30, 2010

For All My Ambitious Girls

"I'm tryna fuck the shit outta your aspirations ..."

"I like the person that you are, but I'm in love with the person that you have potential to be"

Yah, this made me shed a tear. I won't lie lol.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Abi Don't Act Like A ...

The Runaway

Some of you have been asking how I've been doing lately. A handful of you ask if I'm happy. A lot of you ask me if I'm still sad, or about the last time I was sad. And I'm pretty sure a few of you are hoping I'm one sappy movie away from emotional suicide. Sorry, but I'm not. But if you really wanna know? Like really wanna know how I feel? I'll tell you.

I AM FUCKING SCARED. Terrified.

Not scared that I'll never find someone and grow old alone, but scared that when he comes to me, I'll find a way to fuck it all up. I'm getting anxiety right now just typing about it. I'm scared that I'll meet an awesome dude with a good job and own spot that makes me smile and feel special, but a not-so awesome experience from my past won't allow myself to let that shit happen. That I'll freak out and OD on crazy pills. That I'll forever be jaded. That I'll keep making excuses and actually start believing them. But most of all I'm scared that I'll scare them away.

My girl told me to just roll with it. I told her that I didn't know how to "roll," only run. As in for the hills, far, far away from even the slightest possibility of getting hurt. Unfortunately, also far, far away from the possibility of being happy.

They say you gotta take risk when it comes to love. I've done that. PLENTY of times. I really don't need to take anymore. I could live with the "What ifs?" I promise. So until I find a good, clean anchor within myself, I'm just gonna keep running until I meet someone that can keep up ... or at least cares enough to grab me by my shoulders (gently now I bruise easily!), hold me the fuck down, look into my eyes, and tell me "You ain't going nowhere sweetie."

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Mountain Winery


I love throwing back a beer or 5 at a sports bar and wildin the fuck out at a hip-hop concert (Hov!) but every now and then I like to act my age ... and my gender, and listen to something more soothing in a pretty 'lil dress while sippin on some Moscatto. And The Mountain Winery is the perfect place to do just this.

Located in Saratoga, California, The Mountain Winery is home to delicious food, amazing live musical performances, and of course - WINE. I checked out their upcoming concert schedule to find two of my faves performing: John Legend, and Chelsea Handler. However, I just saw Chelsea for free in Reno, and have already attended 4 John Legend concerts. And then I saw it: Tuesday, August 31st, EARTH WIND AND FUCKING FIRE.

1) A Tuesday? Really? 2) Who cares? It's Earth, Wind, and FUCKING Fire?! I'm feeling really old right now considering the majority of my readers are under 21 so for those of you wondering: Earth, Wind, and Fire is one of my absolute favorite bands of all time! And with my birthday just around the corner, this would be the BEST pre-bday send off everrrr *ahem*ahem* lol. Unfortunately, the only person I know that loves them as much as I do is moms and she's already sending me to Hawaii lol.

But for the rest of you, I definitely suggest checking this place out. For a nice getaway with the girls, or a romantic date with your Mr./Mrs. Wonderful. Lemme know how it turns out!

She Said, She Said - The Lips Have Spoken

[09:54] girl 1: he kisses really good
[09:54] girl 1: FML
[09:54] girl 2: omggggggggg
[09:54] girl 2: did your clit clap?
[09:54] girl 1: girl it standing ovay'd

Nice and Slow

You would think that the older you get, the less time you'd waste getting into a relationship. Because years of experience has given you the ability to immediately determine if the man or woman in front of you has the potential to make you happy and is worthy of your love. But while it is now easier for me to distinguish exactly what I want and more importantly don't want in a partner, I find myself being more cautious than ever.

WTF right? My biological clock is supposedly ticking, I'll be attending my third wedding of the year next month, and instead of visiting friends over happy hour, I'm now visiting them and their new baby over formula and diaper changes. So then what gives? Why the urgency to ... wait all of a sudden?

I remember the last relationship I was in. I was so scared to be touched. I was foreign to compliments, and it was extremely hard for me to accept gifts. It took at least 5 dates before I'd even let him put his arm around me, and nearly 4 months of getting to know each other before finally allowing myself to be his girlfriend. This wasn't because I was confused or playing hard to get. He knew he had me. I just. Wanted to make sure it was all real. That I was ready, that WE were ready. And everything felt right.


'Cuz after all the damage of past relationships have been done, and the lessons have been learned - the more you realize your self worth and all you have to offer. So you're careful of who you give yourself to, and you take your time. You take it nice and slow. To enjoy their smile. Their face. That euphoric feeling everytime you see their name pop up on your cell phone. You take your time getting to know him. You carefully go over the curves of her face. What makes them smile. What makes them laugh. You hold onto their kisses good night. Why rush? You wanna make that "new" feelings last and last. And when it's real, and ready, and everything is right? It Wil.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

FEVER

Sorry for the lack of updates but after a non-stop weekend of working hard and playing harder, I am currently typing this from my deathbed. Please excuse me until tomorrow while I go cough out a lung.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Friday, July 23, 2010

Just Put it in the Bag

Once again don't forget to come through this weekend!
Don't be scared to say hi either :)

Goddess in a Green Dress Pt. 2

The next morning came too fast she decided, as her alarm went off at 7am. And then again at 7:30. Grudgingly, she got up and forced herself to go to work. It wasn't a dream. No Leonardo DiCaprio. No totem. No nothing. The tears that streamed down her face gave the water from the shower a run for its money. But the funny part was ... she didn't know exactly why she was crying. This notion was enough to make her stop altogether.

The last time she cried over him was ... probably ... that one time when ... damn, she couldn't remember. She smiled, 'cuz before, she couldn't remember the last time she wasn't crying over him. Getting over him was too easy. Getting over what he did to her on the other hand? Was not. Either way, it didn't matter. Or at least it shouldn't have. But she had just found out that the guy who had strung her along for months with broken promises and manipulation, was now having a baby with the woman he had denied even dating. How could she not feel something? Anything?

She had always been honest, and always been the bigger person. But she didn't feel like being that person right now. For her to sit there, secretly congratulate him in her head and wish him the best of luck would've been downright absurd. Not to mention FAKE. For her to say she was happy for him would've been a lie too. And she wasn't a liar. Not like him. But ... oddly enough, she didn't hate him either. She didn't wish for the baby to have 12 toes, 3 nipples, or a horn in the middle of his forehead. She never even wished for them to break up. She had never wished anything ill upon them. And this drove her crazy. She wanted to hate him so bad, but alas, she knew she couldn't even if she tried.

'Cuz what she wanted most was NOTHING AT ALL. To simply be indifferent. But the unsuccessful "anonymous" Facebook messages she continued to receive from her and her friends talking shit were a constant reminder of a past that would've been otherwise easy to forget. She was over it, why weren't they? She wasn't sad about it, not even mad. To say she was annoyed might've even been and overstatement. It was just all unecessary, and quite frankly she felt embarrassed for them. She just didn't get it.

Her MTA train came to a halt and her thoughts were interrupted by the conductors voice, and the chime of her cellphone gaining reception once again. She looked down and smiled.

Text #1: Hey beautiful, don't let 'em work you too hard. See you tonight.

Fuck, there he goes again pulling that beautiful card!!!

But it was Text #2 that made her smile even harder. She read it once more then shook her head and stuffed her phone back into her purse with a smug look on her face.

'Cuz you should never, EVER let the girl who doesn't give a flying 747 about you know how much she affects your life.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone ;)

Thursday, July 22, 2010

JC

Jeffrey Campbell, the Jesus Christ of shoes (well at least one of them), is a bad, BAD man. This, some denim cut-offs, and a cream off the shoulder sweater would be my perfect transition outfit from summer to fall.

Goddess in a Green Dress Pt. 1

"HOLY SHIT MOTHERFUCKER WHERE'S THE FIRE? WHAT? HOW? WHEN? KELLY CLARKSONNNN!!!"

She rubbed her eyes and blinked a few times to focus her vision. It was still night outside. She quickly got up to check the heater that was at the floor of her bed. *WHEW* she thought as she exhaled a sigh of relief. TV. check. Purse. check. Over-sized teddy bear. check. Everything around her was exactly where it should be, and she didn't smell any smoke or see any flames. So wtf was beeping so loud in the middle of the night? She laid back down and realized it was her IPhone.

She checked the time before unlocking it. It was exactly 3:47am when her heart sank. A phone call and abundance of texts at this time in the middle of the week is usually a bad thing. She recited a quick prayer and hoped everyone was safe.

Text #1: Are you awake?
Text #2: GIRL WAKE UP
Text #3: I need to talk to you
Text #4: I just wanted to tell you before you found out another way

She recited another quick prayer and braced myself.

Text #5: They're having a baby

And with that, she put her phone down and went back to sleep in hopes of it being all a dream in the morning.

Pt 2 tomorrow. Same time, same place. But to hold you down 'till then check out my girl Raaachem over at What the Hellz.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

One Tall Glass of Handsome Please.

Thanks ;)

Aw, Pobrecita

Fit Club

It's no secret. I'm a tiny lil' thang. And a common assumption men have in regards to my height is that because I'm so short, I don't mind a short guy. But a common truth in regards to petite females like me is that we're even more specific in regards to it. Some say beggars can't be choosers but honey, nobodys begging and trust that there is a method to our madness. This is mine ...

It's not about being shallow, or even picky. It's about feeling safe, comfortable, and at home. And it just so happens that I feel most at home in the arms of a man who is significantly taller than me. Not to say I wouldn't give a guy a chance if he didn't meet my preferences, 'cuz I have, and I'd do it again if he otherwise made me happy. But there's actually more to it than just height.

Safe to say that most people would like an athletic partner, or someone that at least looks like they're in shape. Not me. I want one that IS in shape. For several reasons, with "appearance" being least important so since it's the most basic, lemme tackle that aspect first.

Of course we need to be physically attracted to our partners, I haven't met a woman who turned down tickets to the gunshow yet. Whoever said looks weren't important is either ugly or woofin, or both. And it don't matter if you think he's cute, long as I do. 'Cuz I'm gonna be loving him and fucking him - NOT YOU.

Moving on though, I am an active person myself. If I'm not running, I'm at the gym, and will start Bikram again once my wallet permits me too. My man doesn't have to be a triathelete, but it's nice to have someone who cares about his health and well-being as much if not more than I do. I have cheat days and get lazy too, but it be just a tad unsettling for me to come home from the gym every single time to see my man laying in bed looking like Pearl from Blade watching World Star Hip Hop with his laptop on his belly. Mind you, I'm not a health or gym freak either. But the couple that works out together, has awesome sex together lol. Which brings me to the next subject ...

I don't want to kill you in bed. That's all. LOL.

Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, a man that takes care of himself physically takes care of himself mentally. This keeps me in check and makes me want to do the same. Working out to the point where it becomes a routine, shows me that a man inhibits a sense discipline, is goal-oriented, and likes to take care of himself. And that right there, is just as sexy as a 6-pack.

"Every guy wanted to be him, and every girl wanted to fuck him"~Jenna Jameson

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The Baddest Bitch

Damn, and I thought I was bad. Just kidding.

The Situation


It used to be that when you asked someone if they had a boyfriend or girlfriend, they either said "yes," or, "no." But I'm finding out more and more that one can never ask a simple question and get a simple answer. And when we do, we're more inclined to question it's validity than take it for face value. Because nowadays, the refreshingly blunt and honest "yes," and "no" have been replaced with, "It's complicated," or my personal favorite, "I'm in a situation."

*crickets*

The thing is, by them not saying yes or no, it makes you wonder. It leaves shit open for interpretation. And a part of you wants to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it really IS complicated?! Maybe it's like the Mike Sorrentino of situations?! See all that shit already sounds like some unecessary drama. Well interpret this.

You ever see a magician at work? See how they wave a magic wand around, light shit on fire, and do a whole bunch of unecessary, exaggerated arm movements just to take a playing card from out behind your ear? Well motherfucker all they're really doing is pulling a fast one on your ass and distracting you from the truth: They got an extra card conveniently tucked in their sleeve. So if the person you're interested in says they're in a "situation," please allow David Copperfield to take their act elsewhere.

'Cuz all a situation is, is someone that a person shouldn't be with but just can't seem to leave. Either because they're scared, they're stupid, they're in love, or scared stupid in love. Take your pick. And usually, all "It's complicated," means is "I live with my ex-girlfriend whose really my girlfriend when she's in front of me but I still wanna make out with you without having to pay rent" lol. Or maybe, they're "just not that into you," and that was their way out without ruining any future potentials.

OK, so maybe I'm exaggerating. Or maybe I'm not. Either way, if you don't want to be referred to as a "complication," or "situation," then you shouldn't want to be involved in one either. Sure, shit gets complicated but it's only as complicated as we make it. What's tackier than fist-pumping, Affliction wearing, spray-tanning juice heads? LIARS. Especially the ones that lie to themselves. 'Cuz really? It's either you have a girl/boyfriend, or you don't. Simple as that.
*Editors Note* BTW, if upon acknowleding the "situation" you still wanna proceed ... I completely understand lol. But don't say I didn't warn ya!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Put a Ring on It

Actually no, don't.
'Cuz it's too hard to work with these babies on.
RIP to the other ring that came with the set on the right.
Just bought it Friday, lost it Saturday while washing my hands. Drunk. WAH.

Wax On, Wax Off

This morning over Korean corn tea and a Myoplex bar, I had one of my usual morning AIM conversations with my folks that consisted of; our weekend plans, Jeremy Lin's performance against John Wall, The Foreign Exchange, and how I need to schedule a brazilian before I go on vacation.

Not that a vacation is synonymous with getting laid, it's just that my kine of vacations always include tropical weather, turquoise waters, sandy beaches, and BIKINIS. And bikinis = bikini wax 'cuz nobody wants to be Miranda in the Sex and The City Cabo scene.

When I was younger, I never quite understood the concept of waxing. I thought it was only for porn stars and Playboy bunnies. Why am I gonna pay someone to pour hot wax on me and then rip out my pubic hairs? Like, WHY? So naturally, the first time I went, I was TERRIFIED. I've never gotten complaints before in that department (in fact, only compliments lol) but I must've washed my pikachu 6 times and sprayed body splash on that bitch 'cuz really? You couldn't pay me enough to be all up in someone's cooter like that.

But I could. $50 plus tip to be exact. 'Cuz while I'm sure Cindy's on Mission St. could do it for less than half the price, I'm really not tryna have the same chick who paints flowers on my nails touch my hoo-haw. So I head over to Dermaplus on Union St., and my waxer Justene (who I might as well be bff's with now) sends me to a dimly lit pastel colored room that smells like spa and is playing Enya. She tells me to get completely nekkid on the bottom and have a seat. Damn, we didn't even have dinner yet, I think to myself. Then, just before closing the door she peeks back in to tell me there's gumballs on the dresser for me. To distract myself from the pain. Oh yes, 'cuz the last time I got shot, I chewed a piece of Trident and felt absolutely nothing!

So the biggest question I get is, "Does it hurt?" And while I'm really the wrong person to ask (I got piercings and tattoos and don't stop running until something starts to hurt), I can definitely say it's not the most pleasant feeling in the world. But if anything, the akwardness of someone telling you to "flip over, get on all fours, and arch your back," definitely trumps the pain factor. I seriously thought she was gonna leave the room and gang initiation was gonna take place or sumthn after that. Nevertheless, when all is said and done, you get used to the whole routine and get comfortable enough to talk to your waxer about your next trip to Hawaii and the best soulfood in town all while she's going to town on your cooter.

When I used to go-go, I got waxed on the regular due to the unforgiving costumes but nowadays the only time I make a visit to see my girl Justene is when I'm going on vacay, getting new booty, or shit is just RIDICULOUS and starting to resemble Fern Gully down there. And right now? It's 2 outta 3 lol. Whatever the deal is, I try to stay away from shaving as much as possible. It just feels gross. It grows out stubbly and itches like a mofo. Whereas, after a waxing you'll feel like your slippin and sliding in your undies. I'm sure your man will appreciate that, and so will your cho-cha.

But whatever you do, whether you shave, wax, or laser - just make sure you do it, 'cuz nobody wants their panties to have sideburns. And if you don't do it - at least make sure NOT wear neon green underwear with a short dress while sitting down and taking pictures for crying out loud!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

She Said, She Said - Fireworks

Her: LOL, still holding that candle?
Me: Yes, I hold a FIRE for that guy

What A Night.

Hope everyone had a good weekend, see yall Monday!

Friday, July 16, 2010

You Know What Time it Is.

I hear the door girls like red velvet cupcakes ;)
Click pic to enlarge.
For gueslist info email bnvelasquez@gmail.com

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Clean Up on Aisle 2 Please!

Sham-WOWWWW.

Tender Thursdays

Hi. OK. So I'm gonna try something new today. 'Cuz I've been having a disgustingly good week so I wanna spread the gay before it runs out.

If yall didn't know by now, I am the MOST tender. But it's very selective, and only those really close to me ever truly see just how much. Yah, I wah and swoon and write sappy shit on here from time to time but this is different.

A few years ago I went on a venting rampage with one of my co-workers and she suggested I do an exercise that she learned during a spiritual masseuse course she took (yah, I have no idea either but whatever). It entailed that whenever I'm having a bad day (or maybe it was simply everyday?) I write a list of at least 10 things that: I am proud of, appreciate, or make me happy, in an attempt to remind myself that no matter how unfair life may seem, I still have plenty to be grateful for.

I thought it was stupid but I made my list anyway. And then I cried afterwards lol. I was heartbroken at the time, so all it did was make me feel ungrateful that I was still sad despite all the amazing people and wonderful things I had in my life. If you've went "through it" before, then you'll know what I'm talking about. The walls could collapse around you and still nothing could be as bad as the feeling in your heart.

But if you're just having a bad day and need a chi check, or even if you're having an amazing day and just want to reconfirm how awesome life is, then I definitely suggest you start writing! Here's mine (just 5) for today in case yall needed a head start:

1) I just realized that I've been running 34 blocks during my weekly beach runs. That's probably nothing to hardcore runners, but in my personal opinion that is AMAZING. Woo-hoo, "Let me see if you can run it run it, Boy indeed I can run it run it ..." lol.
2) One word: CHEESK
3) I have a gang of lunch dates with old friends in the next couple of weeks, and I'm just glad that amidst all this growing up and outta touch we've all still found some time to catch up.
4) The Giants are playing today!
5) My baby cousin Isaiah NEVER fails to put a smile on my face. I am absolutely in love with him. He's made the screen saver of my phone for 3 months in a row now and all I have to do is watch a video of him laughing or cooing and I'm automatically at peace.

What's on your list today? I'd love to hear it!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

She Said, She Said - Sexless in the City

[10:19] B: i have a story to tell u, its so embarrassing
[10:25] B: OK so i was sposed to wake up early this morning
[10:25] B: but i didnt cuz i was too tired
[10:25] B: because i slept late
[10:25] B: u know why?
[10:25] A: whyyyyy
[10:26] B: i was trying to find my orgasm till like 2am
[10:26] B: i was so angry lmao
[10:26] A: omg
[10:26] A: HAHAHAHAHAA
[10:26] A: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHA
[10:26] B: i had to break out the purple happy face at about 1:45 cuz i was like "yo. vagina. i need to fucking go to bed"
[10:26] A: dude i give up after awhile.
[10:27] A: like if i can't find it
[10:27] B: i was tryna picture pyt, viva la sexy, EVERYONE
[10:27] A: i'm liike FUCKING FORGET IT
[10:27] B: IT DIDNT WORK
[10:27] A: I HATE MY VAGINA, I HATE IT!
[10:27] A: lmao
[10:27] B: and then i felt so ashamed
[10:27] A: sometimes i think the bats in there ate my orgasm
[10:27] A: LOL.
[10:27] B: like really woman? really? u were late this morning cuz u stayed up all night MASTURBATING???!!!!!
[10:27] B: only fat greasy hairy ugly men do that
[10:28] B: u hate ur vagina, and my vagina hates me lol
[10:28] A: LMFAO
[10:28] A: LISTEN TO US
[10:28] A: I SWEAR TO GOD.
[10:28] B: i wanna blog about this but ummm
[10:28] B: maybe ill pretend like i get laid instead
[10:28] B: WAIT WHY DO I HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE GETTING LAID I SHUD BE GETTING PIPE LIKE FUCKING MARIO BROTHERS GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
[10:30] A: LAJKSDFLKASJDFLAKSDFJALSDKF
"Believe in your flyness ... Conquer your shyness."
~Yeezy

Stingy.

There are very few things in a relationship that I can guarantee. I remember someone asking me if I could ever give my boyfriend another chance if I caught him cheating on me, and while I didn't say yes I honestly couldn't say "NO," either. I just said, "I don't know." But about 2 things I do know for sure: 1) Once he blatantly puts his hands on me - IT'S OVER, and 2) I could NEVER knowingly be the "other woman".

They say never say never, but I just did. And it's not entirely because I think us females should stick together (although we should), or even because I got good morals (although I do). Real talk? I just don't like to share!

And this is for several reasons.

For one, I'm way too prideful for that shit. I refuse to let a man have the satisfaction of fucking both me and another chick at the same time. The fuck I look like giving him that good-good when someone else just did the same? I'm not the Queen of Kama Sutra but I believe every self-respecting woman should treat their body like it's a motherfucking wonderland and be shady on who they let go down the rabbit hole. In my opinion, you can have sex with more than one person at a time but still be selective.

Second, if I'm fucking you, most likely I'm affectionate with you, which means most likely I have feelings for you - even if just a little bit. And that's my biggest problem (or maybe to some, blessing). I am an emotional creature. I'm sorry, I can't help it. I have this stupid thing called a vagina. It's extremely hard for me to separate lust and like. I've tried, and it worked for about 2 days. It's not that I catch feelings easily, it's more like I ain't fucking with you unless I'm feeling you to begin with. And this is not good if the dude you are feeling ... is feeling all up on someone else.

I'll share my clothes, my shoes. My perfume, and my MAC fluidline. Give you my jacket and the last $20 in my wallet. MAYBE even the last bite of spicy shrimp and cheesy grits on my plate. I said maybe lol. But never my man. Call me old fashioned, call me boring, call me stingy. I'm stingy with my kisses, with my hugs, with my sex, and with my feelings. If I'm writing you cute 'lil messages on post it notes and sticking them on the tv for when you wake up after I'm gone, if I'm dropping you off lunch, if I bought you a gift for no reason other than to make you laugh when you open it, if I'm sending you pic texts of me making funny faces that I'd only let you see me making - I'm doing all these things only for you. I'm sure the chauvinistic pig in a man feels that there's more than enough of them to go around, but I'd want him to be stingy too.

'Cuz just as much as I don't want to be the other chick, I don't want to be the "main" either. I want to be the ONLY.

Dear World,

I think I've forgotten how to blog lol.
Love, Me

Friday, July 9, 2010

Happy Friday!



Internuts

On July 8th, the internet went nuts. Twitter was over capacity. Facebook status updates occurred every 45 seconds. Websites crashed. And I was personally, in disarray. Why?

Because "The Lebron James" show made it to prime time. I'm sad he didn't put on for his city but maaan basketball fans are about to feel the HEAT lol.

Because we're paying "David fucking Lee," (who I never even heard of for shame) $80 mil for Randolph, Turiaf, and Azubuike. NOT THE BOO BEAR BUIKE?! Nooo! I so sad. So sad. Officially in mourning.


Because Virgin America had flights for only $39 if purchased by 5pm but everytime I went on the site it was down. Where was I planning to go? I dunno. When? Who cares? With who? Doesn't matter, tickets were only $39! lakjkfjskdjflskdfsdf.
Lastly, because at 4pm they announced the verdict of the Mehserle trial. I got off work, took the elevator down to the first floor, and then made the sign of the cross as I exited the building. I am not a religious person. But at that moment, I prayed for the memory of Oscar Grant. For the well-being of his daughter. For peace of mind for his mother. I prayed for the soul of Johannes Mehserle. For the lives of my friends who were strapping on their riot gear - because to say EVERY cop is a pig, would be saying every youth of color is a criminal. I prayed for the safety of Bay Area residents caught in the crossfire. But most of all, I prayed for the fate of the human race. "An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind." Chill out folks.


Have a good weekend everyone. Please love each other and most of all yourselves.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Hello, Good Morning

It's 6:45am. Shit, too early. 7:00. Now 7:15. 7:30. 7:35. 7:45. It is not 7:50am and you are officially the laziest person on Earth. FECK.

You're late. You're so late. Work starts at 9:00, which means you gotta be at the bus stop by 8:20 to be on time. Which means you should've been in the shower like, 30 minutes ago. It's ok. You can do this. You just won't wear any makeup today ... or blowdry your hair ... or brush it for that matter. Yah, that'll spare you a few minutes.

Hmmm. 10 mins to take a quick shower - 8:00am. 5 mins to dry off - 8:05am. 10 mins to pick out and outfit and change - 8:15am. With a few seconds left to make sure you got everything and kiss your boyfriend goodbye. Yesss. You can sooo do this. So you roll over your boyfriend (gosh he's so handsome) to get to the bathroom door 'cuz of course you're too lazy to walk around the bed. Besides, he could sleep through a halftime show.

That's when you feel it. And then, you see it: A perfectly pitched tent. And now all of a sudden, a bitch wants to go camping.

'Cuz if you're anything like me, nothing says good morning better than morning wood.

"Morning, wouuuld you like to have coffee and a quickie before work?"
"Why sure, don't mind if I do!"

I actually prefer night sex. And an afternoon delight is always nice. But, there is just something about morning sex that says (or screams ;o) "C'est la vie!" For some, it's the perfect way to jumpstart their day. Others feel more energized in the morning. My girl Cathy says it's like a continuation from the night before, just with a few hours of intermission to take a break. Plus, there's usually a time restriction due to work, or class, etc. so you're able to get right into it without hurting anyones feelings.

And me? I love it because there's really no other way to start your morning. Once you get all the minor intricacies outta the way (i.e. do I ruin the moment by brushing my teeth and then getting to it or do I just not kiss him at all?) morning sex can have you walking on air the remainder of your day. Besides, I love those few minutes afterwards where he won't let you get outta bed 'cuz he just wants you to lay with him all day. I know, I know. Too tender lol.

Regardless of the reason, the morning wood must not be ignored. You gotta give it some sort of credit right? It's always up before your man is, standing at attention, ready to serve and protect. So the next time you spot your mans breakfast boner, acknowledge it. Greet it. Embrace it. Love it. Whatever you do, don't let it go to waste. There's hundreds of sex-deprived women out there going through their work emails hating life, that would kill to get knocked by that morning wood. 'Cuz morning sex can add that lil' spice to your 2 eggs over easy that no hot.sauce can provide.

So what about you?
Do you like morning sex? Prefer it at night?
Do tell, do tell!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

He Said, She Said - The Randomness

him: should i just come by and swoop u up? where u wanna go?
me: ummm, where u feel like eating? downtown or elsewhere?
him: downtown is coo
me: k, i guess just come thru wen ur off
him: let's just do somethin by union square
me: aiiiiite
me: btw, i have a mannequin with me lmao
him: lol WTF
me: i bought it in the ghetto from sum dude that lives in a truck and has a dog
him: U R FUCKING RANDOM
me: i'm hella laughing in my cubicle 'cuz it sounds like such a lie but it's so true

mama ain't neva lie!

To Hell and Back

12.28.09 - 'Cuz when I'm bored and feeling uninspired, my drafts folder never fails lol.

I have dozens of "friends." Hundreds of acquaintances. And an embarrassingly impressive "social network." If I'm at a crowded club, or at the mall I'm bound to run into someone I know ... or at least know of. But when it comes to the nitty gritty, I can count on one hand who my real girls/boys are.

These are the people who will step away from their post at work and risk getting written up just to answer their phone because they know it's unlikely that u'd call at that time of day. The people who will stay on the phone with u while they're at work just so u have someone to talk to. The people who will drive across a bridge and through an hour and 40 minutes of traffic just to drive back through it and make sure ur safe on their couch and not home alone. The people who will stay up with u 'till 2am when they have to get up in 2 hours just so u aren't crying by urself. The people who let u crash their Kris Kringle party to make sure ur not spending Sunday alone with ur thoughts, as depressing and crazy as they are. The people who text u throughout the day to check up on u and force u to eat. The people who will aim u back about the same old shit and never let u see that ur driving them crazy. The people who don't want u to drink because they don't want to see u turn into an absolute mess and do something u'll regret the next day. The people who cry with u even when they're doing fine. The people who pick u up when ur sobbing on the bathroom floor when you're kicking and screaming just to stay down there. The people who will let u cry and cry and cry in the passenger seat, not say a word, and just let u BE. The people who will forever have a couch or spare room or slot in their day open for u no matter how crowded their spot or busy their schedule. The people who attend ur pity party just so ur not the only one there. The people who remind u every single day that u are beautiful, and u deserve to be happy, and u are worth more than a million stars, and u are not a horrible person - even though u don't believe them. The people who would share some of ur pain if they could, just so they can see u hurt a little less.

These are the people who would walk to hell and back for you if they knew they'd eventually find a happy, smiling, vibrant, YOU somewhere along the way. Because they know that you'd do the same for them in a heartbeat.

While the love from a friend or family member may never replace that kind of love - it is still one of the greatest loves a person can ever have. So just like u shouldn't push away a boyfriend or girlfriend that truly cares for u, u shouldn't push away the help offered from friends. Change comes from within, but we can't do it alone.

They say "Friends are the family u get to choose." If thats the case, then I've never made a better decision in my life.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

"Stay ready, so you never have to get ready"
~Unknown

The Pointless Shit Females Do

Not too long ago a good friend of mine called me crying hysterically on the other line. I damn near had a heart attack trying to piece her broken speech together.

"When will she stop? When will she just leave me alone?" she said.

To which I replied, "When she's finally happy with her life, enough to not give a fuck about yours."

There are females who compare themselves to the other girl and find any and every way to rip them apart. And then there are females who compare themselves to the other girl and find any and every way to rip themselves apart. Unfortunately, I used to be both of these females.

I remember being young and in a relationship where my boyfriend had so much more experience than me, and I secretly resented him and each and every one of his whore-ass ex girlfriends because of it. "Skank bitch." "Slut ho." "The fuck happened to her face?" "Whatever, that's why the bitch got a fuckin chicken McNugget for a nose." Ohhh maaan.

And then one day I got cheated on. With a girl who in my opinion, looked like a fat, disgusting, dirty, hoodrat (in fact, she probably was considering that she knew we were together). But did that make me feel better? No, it made me feel worse.

I remember being young and in another relationship where the guy I was seeing just like me, had recently got out of a long term relationship. The only difference was I knew who his ex was. And she was gorgeous. Some days, I would stare at her pictures and think to myself, "God she is so pretty, why does he even want to be with me?" WTF?! Horrible ain't it?

And then one day I found out that she did the same as me. Thought the same as me. I couldn't fuckin believe it. I couldn't even muster a, "Ha, that's right bitch!" What I really wanted to do was give her a hug in solidarity.

Believe it.

As petty as some of yall think I am, and as much as some of yall think you know me - yall don't know shit. While I had my shameful fair share of MySpace stalking and shit-talking, I spent the vast majority of my time tearing myself down while building the other person up. And although both aren't ideal, in my opinion, that's even worse than the former.

But what I should've been doing, what we should all be doing - is not comparing at all. We all have our moments. ALL OF US. I give a flying 747 who the fuck you are. If you are a girl/woman whatever, you've done it. Even if just once. And that's fine, in fact, it's human. But don't let it consume you 'cuz the moment it becomes obsessive, is the moment you take away from your own happiness.

Just don't compare. Don't do it. Just. Don't. If you need to, spend an entire day talking about how scrawny she is. How she needs to get deported. How she looks like a maid. How big her eyes are. How she could be Tiny from Xcape's twin. How someone thought she was someone else's mom. How her fat ass needs to quit wearing her little sister's clothes. How she's this and this and that. And then remind yourself: It doesn't fucking matter! It doesn't change anything. And then DEAD. THAT. SHIT.

And if it's the other way around, if you waste your days away wishing you were as pretty as her, as simple as her, as athletic as her, as talented as her, as creative as her, etc. etc. etc. - I'm a slap your ass. OK no. But just imagine if you heard one of your amazing friends downning herself like that. You know you would NOT be having it. So there's no reason this shouldn't apply to the most important person in your life - YOU. 'Cuz more than likely, the more you keep telling yourself you ain't shit. The more you'll start believing it.

So which ever flavor of "comparing" poison you took, go ahead and have a little sip. Realize how bad it tastes, and then spit that shit out immediately! Stop comparing and start improving. "Spend so much time improving yourself, you don't have any time left to criticize (yourself or) others."

Monday, July 5, 2010

Weekend (and 1) in Pictures

Hope everyone had an amazing 4th of July weekend!


Friday, July 2, 2010

Girl Crush

I remember first developing my girl crush on Rino Nakasone in Nov. of 2003 after seeing her in Britney's In the Zone video and then realizing she was the same video vixen in I'm Really Hot by Missy Elliott. Since then she's became a Harajuku Girl, an ABDC legend, and most recently, a Pussycat Doll. Today she makes her music video debut as part of the Geminiz, along with fellow Beat Freak Maryss (from Paris). Two hot girls. Two cute accents. Dope moves. Lots of stizzle. And cameos by the homie Tiana and HBIC Lawn. Why wouldn't you watch this video?

Can't Hardly Wait

If you looked through my cell phone you'd most likely think that either 1) I'm fat, 2) I'm a mother, or 3) I'm a fat mother. Because my pics consist of nothing but food porn, and babies (NTS: Never use the word porn and babies in the same sentence ever again).

The thing is, food and babies are two of my most favorite-tist things on the planet. I could never be sad in front of a big bowl of creme-fraiche and brown sugar with ginger swirl ice-cream, nor can I cry in front of a bright-eyed, chubby cheeked, dimple armed baby.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE BABIES ... long as they're not mine. And I love playing with babies ... long as I can return them to their rightful owners when I get tired or have better things to do like watch Entourage. This doesn't mean I'd be a bad mother. It just means that right now? I'm too selfish to have a child of my own. Which to me, is a very selfless thing to acknowledge. There's just too many things I want to do, and so many places I want to go. So many dreams to chase, and goals yet to accomplish. And it's not that having a child inhibits you from living a full life, it's just that when I do have one? They WILL BE MY LIFE.

Some women say they are ready to be mothers. Some women say they'd be awesome mothers. And while I know I wouldn't suck, I am not one of those women. However, I do know that I'll be the best mother I can possibly be. I know absolutely nothing about motherhood. Knowing how to change a diaper, or the names of all the Yo Gabba Gabba characters don't mean shit. But I do know that motherhood will be nothing like I had imagined, yet everything I thought it would be and more.

On June 30, 2010, 'lil miss Scarlett-Lee was born to two beautiful parents. One of which just so happens to be my beloved Califas-pinche-puta, Lauren. Congratulations on your beautiful baby-girl. I know you will be an amazing mother.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Come On, Just the T.I.P.

TomTom for the Heart

Once upon a Christmas I gave my on, sometimes off, usually on, but off again boyfriend a navigation system for his car. I pre-ordered it but the shipment date was after the 25th, so instead, I printed out a picture of it, stuck it inside a card, and wrote: "Because love always finds its way back home," on the envelope.

Wouldn't it be nice if they made a GPS for our heart?

Something we could wear, or attach to ourselves so that we'd never make a wrong turn onto, "It's not you, it's me Ave." or, "Got fucked over my by ex St." A type of device that listed all the single, handsome, funny, loyal, and intelligent men within a 20 mile radius of your house, or allowed you to punch in "Dream girl," and gave you the fastest route to her.

Instead of road closures or traffic times, it would alert you when your woman was cheating on you or your man was only using you for money. Upon getting lost in the woods, a push of a button could summon your best friend, your mom, your dad, your sister, or even your therapist to help you get out. You'd never be stranded. You'd never run outta gas. And you'd always know where the rest areas were.

I think, it would make a killing.

But alas, there are no short cuts in life. And nobody can hold your hand during its entire course. Because the best part is the journey and getting lost along the way. You just never know who you'll meet when you find yourself on "I'll never find The One Rd."

So roll down your windows, and turn up the volume. Put that baby in 5th and let the wind blow through your hair. Do yourself a favor and take the road less traveled, because you'll never really know a place unless you've been there yourself. Pretty soon you'll know it like the back of your hand. Be aggressive. But always respect the rules of the road. Be safe. Be kind, and give those who are lost directions when you can. Don't forget to use your turn signals! Make sure to enjoy the scenery but don't lose focus of your destination.

I'll see you when you get there.