Friday, March 26, 2010

Fade to Black aka Lost and Found Pt. 2

The other day I was looking through an old Photobucket account of mine in hopes of finding a picture of my friend who had moved ton New York, but instead was bombarded with pictures of an ex of mine that I forgot were there. I closed the window as soon as I could, but it still wasn't fast enough and the memories began to flood like Typhoon Ketsana.

I sat at my desk debating on if I wanted to cry in the bathroom or jump out the window. No, no. I didn't bring any extra makeup for me touch up with so crying won't work. And there's a dumpster filled with carboard directly in front of the window I'm next to so that would be an ultimate fail too.

So instead, I wah'd to my co-worker. I told her what happened. About how this man who looked at me like I was his world in these pictures, couldn't even look in my direction, what more look at me the same way ever again.

And then she said, "But u won't look at him the same way either"

I thought about it for a few seconds. Wiped the loca off of my face and tears from my eyes, and then realized she was absolutely right. I could NEVER look at him the same way ever again.

I envisioned his face in my mind. His eyes. His nose. His lips. His smile. And that tiny spot right behind his earlobe that I used to caress with my thumb while the rest of my fingers lay on the back of his neck. And then all of a sudden his face - well, u know how ur mirror fogs up in the bathroom when u shower and then when u wipe a part of it the condensation streaks down? That's what happened to the picture of him in my head. I don't know this guy. I thought I did, but now I'm glad I don't.

'Cuz it will never be the same. He will never be the same. I will never be the same. We will never be the same. Maybe we'll be worse. Maybe we'll be better than ever. But one things for sure, we'll never be the same. So we rip apart and delete pictures and throw away anniversary gifts and souvenirs. We destroy and erase old memories ... so that we can create new ones, with people who will look at u the way u DESERVE to be looked at, the way u look at urself. And we develop a negative into a positive picture. Otherwise, all we'll have left is a darkroom that used to be our heart.

1 comment:

shlee said...

i just wanted to say,... you put things into words that i don't think i ever can. thanks.