Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Dirty Little Secret.

I have NO idea how I didn't turn into a slut.

I never had a male figure in my life to greet my potential boyfriends at the door with a shotgun, my mom never gave me the "birds and the bees" speech, and I had my Ken doll bangin every Barbie I owned back when I was still in elementary school. By the time I hit the 6th grade, I moved onto bigger thangs, put down the dolls and secretly dipped into my cousin's porn stash.

I remember sneaking into his closet when he wasn't home, watching whatever vhs tapes (lmao) I found, and then rewinding that bitch right back to where it left off and carefully placing them back in his drawer making sure no crease, fold, angle, or speck of dust was out of place. OMG I am more than embarassed thinking about it now. But back then, watching porn was like seeing a fuckin unicorn. And knowing that I was too young to have sex just made me fantasize about it even more.

So rest well men of the universe - there are women out there who not only watch porn, but enjoy it as well. (Pshhh, and u thought we were all against u.) My fascination with porn has went down significantly since infiltrating my cousin's secret stash but I am still one of the few outta my friends who actually watch it with and without her man. Most of my girls watch it with their partner to either make them happy or to get them in the mood. Others watch it in a group to make fun of fake accents and crooked dicks. However, we all agreed on the following:

Fellas if ur thinkin of gettin seXXXy with ur lady, or females if u wanna try sumthn new, take notes. U might thank me for it 1 gangbang and 2 threesomes later.


  • Nothing CRUCIAL - PUT DOWN THE 2 GIRLS AND 1 CUP NOW!!! We understand there are some people into that kinda shit ... ew no pun intended ... but the vagina's have spoken and we ain't tryna see no extreme s&m, beastiality, midget sex, gay males (trick luh the kids but i ain't tryna watch them get down), or extreme fetishes.
  • Cut to the chase - Hunk of a man meets hottie of a chick. They get nekkid. They have mind-blowing sex. That's all the story line we really need. If u MUST include some role playing. A girl dressed up as a nurse and a guy dressed up as a Doctor and then them bonin on a gurney is just fine but please, no medical terms or fake diagnosis. We don't care about the Japanese exchange student who falls asleep masterbating, or the dumb blonde who accidentally stumbles into a mechanics garage and offers bj's in exchange for car parts.
  • Short and sweet - Like I said, I'm down with porn BUT I get bored pretty easily. There's only so much we can watch before we figure, "Dude we have better sex than they do can we just get down to biniss already?" And after a while it all starts to look the same anyway. So I suggest a nice, concise, action packed clip. Just like with everything else - quality over quantity.
  • I'm shallow - I know, I'm a horrible person. Whatever. Leave me alone. But I really ain't tryna watch no ugly, old, or obese people having sex. Which is why a lot of my friends have agreed that they prefer girl on girl porn. 'Cuz otherwise, they usually have some hot lil' brazillian getting fucked by a greasy, balding, beer bellie'd Ron Jeromy type and that is one quick way to turn us the fuck off. We all have our preferences though. Girl on girl is coo but then it has me feeling uncomfortable after a while so I needs to see some real penetration eventually. So when at all possible, make sure the porn has good looking people in it.
  • Misc. - Not too big on masterbation, blow job, or dome shot scenes. Honestly, all I end up staring at is the girls makeup or her nails. Or how that shit must sting when it gets in ur eye. Or how I wish I had taken a picture in front of Jacob Black's house when we visited the New Moon set in Vancouver. See what I mean? I lose interest QUICK. Also, we don't need any big stars involved. These aren't Academy Award winning films we're talkin 'bout here so we don't care who's in it. Most of the mainstream girls are bootsy anyway. My faves Tera Patrick and she always looks bored as shit when she's gettin dicked down so no thank u.
  • Lastly - No I don't think watching porn is considered "cheating."

And there u have it. My guideline to a successful and pleasurable porn watching session from me and my girls' perspective. Please believe everyone is different though. And always know, that the best porn is the one u make urself ;oP

5 comments:

DJ CMC said...

hahaha lovely post i agree with u on many points:
-i get bored easy too, the endless poundin gets boring...popshot!
-girl on girl is cool if i was really there, but i need some penentration shots
-gettin more into the voyeristic/amature stuff, something bout knowin its REAL people gettin it on is kinda cool, but yea im shallow, id rather have the 19 yearold blonde co-ed vesus the 45 yearold fat people litterally bumpin uglies.
I LIKE REALISM IN MY PORN, finding a tape of somechicks from my high school/college/friend of friends (which exsist) is hella more hot than some studio produced shit.
- TWO WORDS "CREAM-PIE"
LOL! im the PORN MASTER!
(i shouldnt b soo proud of that. LOL)

rio tapatio said...

LOLLLLLLLLL I love the honesty of this post. good lookin out mama,, many great points.

Raaachem said...

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thats what adonis had to say bout this post. LMFAO!

adventuresofyoshi said...

i don't watch it with the bf. i'm too jealous he might think of the girl rather than me while doing it. ps - i get bored easily too, i got a link for you to use =)

NATHAN_NICE said...

"that the best porn is the one u make urself."

this is not always true. some people should NEVER tape themselves having sex.

porn is where i learned all by "strokes" in hs.