Thursday, February 10, 2011

Doing the Write Thing.

(P.S. This is such a long shot but if the person I tweeted this morning is actually reading this - THANK YOU. I expect no shout out or RT, just wanted to let you know that your words make people do more than put in work at the club. And if you want to read my tribute to Ambitious Girls, scroll down to "Fuck My Brains Out". LOL.)

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us."
~Marianne Williamson

I've blogged that quote before. And I understood the concept behind it. But it wasn't until the other day as I was listening to Ambitious Girl that I felt it.

I had it on repeat all morning. I wrote a blog inspired by it. Then after about the 5th repeat, around the "Go girl, go girl," part I started freaking out. I'm talking lightweight "Quick, someone hand me a paper-bag to breathe into." Soon after, I began to cry. I was scared. But for once not because I was worried (even though I am), and not because I felt discouraged (although I am). Not because I was scared to try and fail, but because I was scared to try and succeed. Because SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

I find it funny that it's easier for me to imagine failure, than success. I see myself now in my little bat-cave, surrounded with crumpled up balls of tissue paper, wallowing in my own sorrow. But when I envision me sitting behind a table with a Sharpie in my hand, and a line of smiling faces in front of me? It gets blurry. I think about the talk I had with my boss this week, and what will soon follow - and on the inside, I'm going ballistic. B-a-n-a-n-a-s. My fingers are shaking right now as I type this.

Because I'm scared that once I take this path that I've been refusing to walk on for the past 5-6 years of my life, I may just find myself exactly where I need to be. That I may just blow the fuck up. That everything will be amazing. That along the way I'll meet someone that knows exactly what he wants too. That I'll be successful. That my reality will be better than my dreams. That I will be able to take my friends out for dinner at an expensive restaurant and make it rain on these hoes. "I got this bitches." SAY WHAT?

I'm scared that things will be so good, something bad is bound to happen. That everything will be falling so perfectly into place, that somethings bound to fall apart. Out of all the talented, driven people out there, why me?

And then I read the rest of the quote:

"We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?"


Vk Ng said...

Girl I totes feel you on this. But honestly, it's amazing once that first step is taken. Then the second. Then the third. It can only go up from here.

Sarah L. said...

Girl, please continue to do your thing and know that you are an inspiration to a lot of your readers out there. Your words deserve to be shared with the world!! I visit your page religiously and I absolutely love your advice and words of wisdom. I swear, every time I’m going through something I can turn to your blog and find a post to help me get through it. I can’t even tell you how many times I find myself sobbing after reading one of your posts. Lol. Cause while everyone else is sugar coating shit, your words are so real and so raw, its just what I need to hear. So thank you Abi for this blog. And I wish you the best of luck with your career! :)

Carla said...

PLEASE TAKE THAT JUMP! u and rachel should do some collaboration on a book about empowerment, men, and all that other stuff females (and males) can relate to. you guys are so incredible with words im sure the book will sell itself!!! or if not, do it as a side job? slowly get into it... either way let me know when u do cus ill be the first to buy it!!

linh said...

Just. Do. It.

that's all i gotta say. =)

Mouf.Peace said...

aw thanks so much everyone! i don't want to jinx anything or get ahead of myself, but let's just say that all your kind words are only *reassuring* me that i've made the write decision ;)