Saturday, December 12, 2009

Dear Abi - Breaks Lead to Break Ups

Dear Abi,

My bf and I have been together since we were 18. I'm now 22. We've sort of been on the rocks for the past year, on and off. More on than off, but nevertheless, off. He comes from a family of divorce and cheating. My parents are still together. Not that any of this is relevant, I don't know... but maybe it is.

The way he sees it is he's 22, and he's been with the same girl since he was 18. From what he's told me, he's scared/nervous/hesitant that we've now been together for 4 years and he can obviously see himself spending the rest of his life with me. So then it begins, and we go on a break. He'll pass comments like, "I'd rather break up with my girlfriend of 4 years than cheat on my wife and kids when I'm older."

Soooooooooooo what, it's in his chemical make-up to cheat or something? Like it's a choice, no? Anyway, it's super frustrating, because we never end up having a legit break, because we just can't seem to be apart. But then I just end up feeling resentful and confused and continually wonder what is going through his head. Sometimes I feel like I can't completely let my guard down anymore, because I'm not sure if he'll just turn around and say he wants to go on a break again. And sometimes I just think, "Fuck this, I deserve better."

It's a vicious cycle! But I love the guy, and I know he loves me. WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO?!
Advice much appreciated!


Dear N,

As much as it seems so unfair that he feels the need to sew his wild oats when he's got a great girl like u already, ur boyfriend is actually doing the both of u a huge favor by asking for this break. IT SUCKS YES, but as much as it may hurt now, it would hurt a lot more if he stayed with u and then cheated.

It makes perfect sense that u guys should stay together considering that yall have 4 years of genuine love under ur belt, but the fact that he's even considering a break and references cheating although he hasn't actually cheated yet, should be a red flag. It may seem selfish of him to put u to the side so he can go be a man-whore but it would be even more selfish to string u along so that he can "have his cake and eat it too."

And as fucked up as it is, trust that it's gonna be hard for him too unless he's a complete feelingless jerk (which I doubt from ur description of him). 'Cuz by asking for this break he's risking the possibility of u going out and having ur fun and doing ur dirt and possibly meeting the man of ur dreams. I know it's hard but the break up to make up cycle is NOT healthy as I'm sure ur noticing now. I would try for a clean break and consider it as a test for ur relationship to see if it's the real deal. "If u love something set it free. If it comes back it's urs. If it doesn't, it never was." Couldn't be any more corny, but couldn't be anymore true either. The worse thing u could do is force someone to stay.

One last word of advice, there's no such thing as a "break."


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

found your blog clicking from a friend of a friends blog down the line, u know how that happens. anyways, i wanted to say "amen" to that "there is no such thing as a break" line. i was 23 before i figured that shit out. young women need to know that just because you label it as a "break" doesn't mean it is any different than a break up. it's just a break up that will DRAG ALONG. cut the umbilical cord. she deserves better.