The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword

Yesterday I woke up still drunk from the bff's birthday party the night before, and I had less than an hour to shower, get ready, get food, and get money before I went to see Henry at The Skull and Sword. I was hungover as shit, had bubble guts, and barely ate. I was scared that I'd either yack, shit on myself, or pass the fuck out under the needle. Luckily neither happened. Instead, I came out with this beauty of a tattoo which of course symbolizes my love for writing.

I got this piece done as well as a touch up on another tat. Under the skillful hand of the Henn-dogs, I was finished in about an hour and a half at the most - although it felt like an eternity. I guess that's what happens when it feels like someone is dragging a knife clear across ur stomach. Whoever says tattoos don't hurt is a goddamn liar. This was probably my most painful one to date (next to my foot) but well worth it. I can't wait to see how it looks once it heals and the lines are cleaner and shading deepens.

For those of u who live in the Bay Area, that want quality work done, I highly suggest Henry at the Skull and Sword. Sure, I wanted to punch him in the face as he was working on me but he's a cool dude when he's not sticking needles in my ribs. And most of all he's an AMAZING artist!

Happy Birthday Christian!

So many birthdays in December I swear. Luckily, they're all some of m favorite people. Happy birthday to my roll dog Christian! Sorry, no cock cake for u.

Have Your Cock and Eat it Too

Yesterday I trekked 12 blocks in the ghetto during my lunch break (I thought the spot was on 6th, it was on 9th FML) and missed my lunch for some goddamn cock ... cake. But all the penis jokes that went on throughout the night made it very well worth it (Excuse me would u like some nut sack?). Below is the conversation I had with the folks from The Cake Gallery SF when I called to order my cake. It was too hilarious not to post. And once again, Happy Hayati Birthday!"

CG: Hello Cake Gallery

Me: Hi! I'd like to order a cock cake for Thursday?!

CG: Sure, no problem. What size?

Me: I'd like a mini cock please, there's only a few of us sharing it.

CG: Would u like a caucasian cock? A hispanic cock? Or an African American cock?

Me: As pale as possible. My girl is an Edward Cullen fan. You know, from that movie Twilight?
CG: Oh yes!

Me: And they're really pale and shit.

CG: OK so light as possible.

Me: Yes pls.

CG: And what kind of filling for your cock?
Me: Strawberry cake with fresh bananas.

CG: Great.

Me: I have a special request. Edward sparkles when he's in the sun. Do u guys have crystal looking sprinkles so the cock "glitters?"

CG: We sure do!

Me: Perfect.

CG: And would u like cum shooting off the top of the cake?
Me: Hmmmm. Good question. I actually wanted something written on it if possible.

CG: A popular choice is "Make a wish and blow"

Me: Let me call u back while I attempt to be clever ...

Ugly is the New Pretty

Scenario #1
Fellas: A fly-ass Jessica Alba look-alike walks by you, her neck smelling sweeter than a plate of yams (with exxxtra syrup). U dig deep for ur best one-liner but just as ur about to holler, u see her walk into the arms of a dude who u define as a short, ugly, Smigel from Lord of the Rings lookalike. And u think to urself, "Damn, he must be rich."

Scenario #2
Ladies: Ur co-worker is smooth like Mos Def and his voice got bass, body like Mark Wahlberg with a Channing Tatum face, but word around the office is he's taken. OF COURSE HE IS. Wifey's attending the holiday party after work and u can't wait to see this Helen of Troy-esque beauty. But when u finally see her she is NO Bugatti Veyron. Matter fact, she's barely a pinto. And then u think to urself, "What the fuck is he doing with her?"

I know all that up there sounds mad shallow, but it's the truth for most people and happens far more frequently than u think. Shit, I've lost count myself. No matter who the ugly in the relationship is, we're always left wondering, "How in the world did this not so likely couple get together and fall in love?" As a reflex, most conclude it's because; he must be really nice (ugly guy/hot girl), or he's doing a charity case (hot guy.ugly girl), or he must have a big dick (ugly guy/hot girl), or she must he a gold digger (hot guy/ugly girl). But I'm not talking about a fake relationship, I'm talking about love.

Many assume, and many stereotype. But I think know the real answer.

Men, want to feel like men. And I'm not talkin about some broad who lives to iron and cook and clean for her man that never opposes to giving head (although I'm sure that is also ideal). But I'm talkin 'bout a female who holds him the fuck down and stands by her man through the fire, rain, snow, Typhoon Ketsana, whores, weight gains, jail, injuries, unemployment, etc. It doesn't have to get as complex as that, but u get the point. Men feel like men when they got a ride or die woman by their side. Don't believe me? Ask T.I.

And for women? It's simple - HE MAKES HER LAUGH. I swear. I promise u. While it's not the only reason of course (shit like not being a cheater or an abuser should be a given dammit), it's a big one. Just the other day I was watching Timothy DelaGhetto's YouTube channel where almost every other video features his lovely lady. In one of the clips he addresses the many haters and says, "Yes this tiny-penis Asian dude is really with this hot ass Latina chick," as Illeana, the "hot ass Latina chick" sits ever so smitten on his lap with her face in the nook of his neck. It doesn't look fake, or rehearsed. It looks like ... 2 people IN LOVE. This DelaGhetto dude is not my type at all, and I'm gonna throw myself under the bus and assume he initially wasn't hers either. But after watching some of his other vidz it all made perfect sense. And I kinda love it!

Because no matter what we think of him, him, or her. It doesn't matter. What matters is they find each other incredibly beautiful and ridiculously sexy one way or another.

In Crown Me, Cam'ron once said "she ain't all that, if a car, I say Suzuki, Civic." But what his purple laffy-taffy Range Rover ass ain't knowin is, Civics are awesome cars. They may not have all those unnecessary bells and whistles, but they're reliable, efficient, and most of all - they last long.

Yes Homo

"I'm a movement by myself, but I'm a force when we're together..."

A very special (early) Hayati Happy Birthday to my TV Indian mahal, Sachel Man Frito! Whom without, I wouldn't be writing for WTForks?! w/ my WTFly ladies, know Lawn, have gotten fat, or started my very own blog!

Oh look, it's Rach's cougar dance lmao.

The Newest Belle

I was asked to contribute to the Hellz blog over a month ago and even though I was shittin in my denim over it, I only told 3 people because I hate jinxing things. But now that the cougars out the bag, come check me out on Hellz Bellz! And don't worry, I will still be writing Dear Abi posts over here as well. Just broadening my horizons :)

2009 in Music

So I fell asleep one night, woke up and now its December. How in the fuck? Could this year have passed by any faster? I swear it was just weeks ago I celebrated New Years Eve 2008 in pain at Roys on Mission St. 'cuz my wisdom teeth were impacted and I couldn't even enjoy my damn butterfish!

I'll save my "Dear 2009" letter for another day when I feel like being depressed. Today though, I'll do my Top 10 songs of 2009 in conjunction with Rach's 2009 Wrap Up soon to be posted. Because along with every year of my life, music has played an immense part in it.

The following are songs that came out in 2009 that will forever embody the year and remind me of it whether I want to or not. Some of the songs I liked, some I loved, and some I wanted to tear my eardrums outta my head after hearing it for the fafillionth time. So now, without further adieu ...

10) Empire State of Mind by Jay-Z feat. Alicia Keys - Had his album dropped earlier in the year, perhaps this anthem would've been higher up in the list. Nevertheless, this single currently has folks even in the heart of L.A. screaming "New York, New York, New Yawwwwwk."

9) I'm in Miami Bitch by LMFAO - Oh yes. The song that made u want to spend money u don't have on bottle service and get shitface at some club where nobody knows who u are so u could get away with dancing on the bartop with a polka dot bikini under ur dress and wake up next to some strange man reeking of red bull vodkas.

8) Blame It by Jamie Foxx - Thank you Jamie Foxx for creating this infectious track that had everyone stuttering at the club like it was in style. And thank you for giving us someone (or something) to blame other than ourselves when we look back at pictures from the wild night before to find we almost married a midget and jumped in the Paris fountain in Vegas fully clothed.

7) BEST I EVER HAD by Drake (Thnx Ash. Me=Ruh-tard lol) - 2009 was definitely the year of Drake. He single handedly gave Degrassi High fans a cool pass and let every woman far and wide know that ain't nothing sexier than when u got ur "hair tied, sweat pants, chillin with no makeup on ... "

6) Turnin me On by Keri Hilson - OK just kidding, I was going to put this on the list but just found out it came out in 2008. Luckily for Miss Keri Baby she also had her hit "Knocks You Down" fea. Kanye and Ne-Yo 'cuz that came out in '09 and was just as much in rotation. Let's face it, anything Ne-Yo touches is pretty much fiyah. Add Yeezy on the track? Done deal.

5) Boom-Boom Pow by Black Eyed Peas - Hell, why not add the entire album. BEP always reps that feel good music. Despite all the Fergie haters and folks who think BEP sold out since their "Joints and Jams" days, I'm happy for them. I would've done the same and Kids Incorporated was the shit! Safe to say BEP is here to stay. Hatin on 'em would be so 2000 and late.

4) You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift - Kanye West. Best thing to EVER happen to the girl. Next to Taylor Lautner of course. And I ain't even gonna front, I sing this in the car ... LOUD.

3) Poker Face/Just Dance by Lady Ga Ga - Along with Drake, it was the year of the Ga-Ga, crazy bitch. Gah I love her so. Just Dance really makes u wanna well - JUST DANCE! And Poker Face makes u wanna ... poke somebodys face? Perhaps my gay said it best, "Lady Ga-Ga was sent down to us from another planet so that the gays and trannys could worship her."

2) Single Ladies by Beyonce - I mean. Does this one even need an explanation? Do you need Kanye to tell u that Beyonce had the best video of the year? This song had every gay prancing around in a leotard, and every man feelin the pressure, 'cuz every female was singin bout how "if u liked her then u shoulda put a ring on it."

1) Any Michael Jackson song ever made.

Runners up are Down by Jay Sean, Right Round by Flo Rida, and Birthday Sex by Jeremih. Anyone I'm missing?

I'm a Nasty Gal

Now if only I was a rich gal too ...

Gay for Ga-Ga

Last night I was one of the thousands of people wrapped around 2 blocks in line for Lady Ga-Ga's Monster Ball concert at the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium. Thanks to good company, an unsuspecting pothole in the sidewalk that people kept tripping over (yah we're evil), and takin it back to filling your Apple juice bottle half way with Henny - the wait wasn't long at all and we even managed to get decent seats!

There really isn't much to say asides from: BEST FUCKING CONCERT EVER!

I was really surprised that her performance wasn't more elaborate and theatrical. Even her stage set up was pretty simple, or as simple as u can get with Ga-Ga but nevertheless, she sounded exactly like her cds if not better, sang live and danced, and rocked the house! It was like one big never-ending dance party. I only sat down twice and one time was because I hit my shin so hard against the chair in front of me dancing it hurt like ass. I know it seems stupid to praise a performer when we're all human, but Ga-Ga is really a force to be reckoned with. I've never seen so much crowd participation it was amazing. It was like the Unites State of Ga-Ga in that bitch.

For any Ga-Ga fans who live in a city where her Monster Ball tour is heading to, I highly suggest attending. Unfortunately, Ness thought we wouldn't be able to bring cameras inside so I don't have any pics of the show but here's a few that were taken from sponsors of the event. P.S. Jess, u were soooo right. Totally shoud've went in my Halloween constume. Body suit, not pants, wig, and disco stick. All the guys did! lol.

And boy do I have a treat for u. Is it a video of Ga-Ga's incredible performance? NO. It's a sideways video of me and my ugly, loud, obnoxious drunk voice. It's supposed to be singing Just Dance except all it sounds like is da-da-da-da-da. I think I screamed in an octave I didn't even know existed. I believe dogs began to gather around the concert hall at this time. Anyway, enjoy and don't say I ain't done nothin for ya.

Cool it Now (Before u Lose Control)

I secretly pride myself in being a really cool chick. Yah. I know that sounds totally egotistical but whatever, I'm sure every female thinks the same of herself (or at least she should). But when I say "cool" I mean that when it comes to relationships, I'm really chill, considerably lenient, and don't mind a lot of shit most girls would.

Strip club for ur little brother's 18th bday? Fine. But if u get a lap dance from an ugly broad who looks 4 months pregnant u already know I'm clownin ur ass. Iron ur shirt? Sure, if u want it more wrinkled than it was to begin with (I cannot iron for the life of me). Lunch with ur homegirl Sheena tomorrow? Tell her I said wassup. Guys trip to Vegas? It's all gravy 'cuz I'll be there with the girls next month. Not going to bed yet 'cuz ur stuck on Modern Warfare 2? Awesome! Now u understand the reason y I'm too tired to have sex but not too tired to read these last 4 chapters of Twilight.

However, I'm starting to think that the pressure of being a "cool chick," thinking rationally, and being fair is starting to take its toll on me. Because the minute I start to slip, albeit prematurely, I CANNOT STAND MYSELF!

I may talk about having penis envy all the time, and emphasize how I'm one of the boys but let's face it: I cry during Humane Society commercials, make lewd comments towards hot ballers during basketball games, and change 3 times before going on a date. I'm still a fucking chick. And while I wear my vag with pride, there are just some female traits that I definitely ain't proud of.

One trait I could do without is jealousy, which I swear is embedded in a females DNA.

The other week I saw a Tweet my ex-boyfriend had left on my Twitter stream and then like an out of body experience I found myself obnoxiously clicking on his page and reading his shit. So there I am going down the line of hilarious and never-ending caps from his boys, and updates about his passion in life when I suddenly come across an exchange of messages involving him and random girls.

Then the unthinkable happens. I feel a slight pang in the bottom of my stomach, I start pouting, and I feel myself getting butt-hurt. WTF??!! Nooooo!!!! All this cringing over "flirtatious Tweets" is totally unnecessary. But just like a girl I decide to torture myself some more and check back the next day. I started to get sad thinking about all the sweet and selfless things he had done for me that he would more sooner than later be doing for someone else. And that's when I checked myself and unfollowed his ass.

To some, that may sound like I'm declaring war. But for me, it was saving myself from my own insanity, and most of all it was letting go and being accepting. I could've easily OD'd on crazy pills and cock blocked like some unfortunately retarded and unreasonable bitches, but even I know u can't have ur cake and eat it too, and mufucka I loves me some cake.

We all know that just because a relationship ends, it doesn't necessarily mean the feelings do too. My last relationship didn't end exactly the way I wanted it to. I wish I could remain friends with all my exes but sometimes u just gotta love from a distance. It is what it is. Ultimately, I wish him the best. I'd love for him to find happiness in a lasting relationship, even if it ain't with me and even if it kills me for a little bit. 'Cuz shit, I couldn't give him it so who am I to deprive him of it as well.

Everyone deserves love and everyone is entitled to being human and slipping every now and then. So the next time I do, I won't be so hard on myself. 'Cuz like I always say, u can't control the way u feel but u can control the way u react. And it's the way u handle urself and react to adversity that separates the crazy bitches from the "really cool chicks."

Well Ain't That a Bitch?

Stolen from someone who stole it from someone else.

Ma-i-nn-ku-ma-na

OK. Seriousy, WTF is in the fucking Happy Meals these kids be eating these days that makes them freakishly advanced? First it's the 18 year olds with bodies of video vixens (*ahem* LYANNE lol), and now it's 4/5 year olds (I'm guessing) that play the ukulele like they were born with one in their hands. It's already bad enough Rach's (almost) 2 year-old son works her Iphone better than me and kindergartners fly down the mountain past me when I'm boarding. But check out 'lil homey right here. He's adorable and talented! Sure u can barely understand wtf he's saying but shit, wtf were u doing at his age?

P.S. You def wanna check out his cover of "I'm Yours" too!

Dear Abi - Breaks Lead to Break Ups

Dear Abi,

My bf and I have been together since we were 18. I'm now 22. We've sort of been on the rocks for the past year, on and off. More on than off, but nevertheless, off. He comes from a family of divorce and cheating. My parents are still together. Not that any of this is relevant, I don't know... but maybe it is.

The way he sees it is he's 22, and he's been with the same girl since he was 18. From what he's told me, he's scared/nervous/hesitant that we've now been together for 4 years and he can obviously see himself spending the rest of his life with me. So then it begins, and we go on a break. He'll pass comments like, "I'd rather break up with my girlfriend of 4 years than cheat on my wife and kids when I'm older."

Soooooooooooo what, it's in his chemical make-up to cheat or something? Like it's a choice, no? Anyway, it's super frustrating, because we never end up having a legit break, because we just can't seem to be apart. But then I just end up feeling resentful and confused and continually wonder what is going through his head. Sometimes I feel like I can't completely let my guard down anymore, because I'm not sure if he'll just turn around and say he wants to go on a break again. And sometimes I just think, "Fuck this, I deserve better."

It's a vicious cycle! But I love the guy, and I know he loves me. WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO?!
Advice much appreciated!

-N

Dear N,

As much as it seems so unfair that he feels the need to sew his wild oats when he's got a great girl like u already, ur boyfriend is actually doing the both of u a huge favor by asking for this break. IT SUCKS YES, but as much as it may hurt now, it would hurt a lot more if he stayed with u and then cheated.

It makes perfect sense that u guys should stay together considering that yall have 4 years of genuine love under ur belt, but the fact that he's even considering a break and references cheating although he hasn't actually cheated yet, should be a red flag. It may seem selfish of him to put u to the side so he can go be a man-whore but it would be even more selfish to string u along so that he can "have his cake and eat it too."

And as fucked up as it is, trust that it's gonna be hard for him too unless he's a complete feelingless jerk (which I doubt from ur description of him). 'Cuz by asking for this break he's risking the possibility of u going out and having ur fun and doing ur dirt and possibly meeting the man of ur dreams. I know it's hard but the break up to make up cycle is NOT healthy as I'm sure ur noticing now. I would try for a clean break and consider it as a test for ur relationship to see if it's the real deal. "If u love something set it free. If it comes back it's urs. If it doesn't, it never was." Couldn't be any more corny, but couldn't be anymore true either. The worse thing u could do is force someone to stay.

One last word of advice, there's no such thing as a "break."

XOXO,

Abi

I'll be the Woman you Need to be a Better Man

Damn Alicia, don't hurt 'em.

"through a shake of an earthquake
i will never fall
that's how strong my love is
like a ship through the storm
we can risk it all
that's how strong my love is ..."

Happy Birthday Nanners!

Love this lil' bitch right here. Met her at one of my first gigs years ago when she was barely 18 (good God) and today she turns 22, get 'em!

A-MUSE-ING

I've been swingin on Vintage Vandalizm's (ever so fashionable) bra straps since forever now but after going through her old posts today and sharing them with Rach, I couldn't take it anymore and decided to finally profess my undying love for her (no homo) lol. Actually, her steez is so dope, I may just yes homo that thought hah.

Anyway, if you've known me for at least 2 years u'll know that I love all sorts of fashion and don't really have a specific "style." I know that's what most fashionistas say in an attempt to sound cool and anti-conformative but I swear, true story. I love anything fun, and funky that FITS whether it's considerered couture, urban, contemporary, retro, rockabilly, sporty, etc. etc. etc.

One day my girl Jessica from high school told me her sister thought she saw me at the club but didn't say hi because she wasn't sure if it was me. "That bitch looks different everytime I see her. One day she's in some skanky ass butt hugger dress then the next day she's Gwen Stefani'd out" (Yes, this was in '03 when I had first discovered Russian Red by MAC lol).

My mom is constantly saying shit like, "I look funny in turtlenecks," or, "I can't wear hats." But when ur as gorgeous as her, it's kinda hard to look bad in things. I'm sure half the shit I wear I really can't get away with, it's all a matter of getting used to the look, feeling comfortable in it, and then owning it. I remember my girl Ness was hesitant about wearing red lipstick even though it's her absolute favorite color. She tried mine out one Halloween and then bought her very own tube!

Vintage Vandalizm mixes her vintage steals with her favorite labels like Karen Miller, Betsey Johnson, Agent Provacateur, and D&G. But what I praise her (and hate her for lol) for is her ability to find amazing pieces at thrift shops AND fit them like a glove. She makes any and everything look gorgeous and is definitely my 40s-60s fashion muse. If u love the above outfits as much as I do, u should definitely check her out: Vintage Vandalizm.

12/23

Oh yes, you will be mine.

The Js, not the chicks lol.

Soldier of Love

Growing up I've always been told to fight for what u believe in. Whether it be equal rights, dreams, world peace, happiness, or ur right to parrrrrrr-tay. Perhaps out of all fights worth fighting for, we are told that the most beautiful struggle of them all is the one for love. But I believe the fight for ur heart is an entirely different war. One where everyone gets hurt, and the minor cuts and scrapes feel just as critical as a knife through the heart. And no sword and shield, or camouflauge and M16 can prepare u for this type of battle.

It's not the strapping up or patriotic speeches that send me into disarray. Nor is it dodging bullets that I fear. It's the knowing when to fight and when to surrender part that makes me weary. Because really, how the fuck do u know?

Hate to say it, but I can be extremely nosy at times. I probably know more things than I should. About people I don't even know. While I'm not particularly chissmossa about this shit, it's still a bad habit I need to get rid of. One thing I've noticed though is the followwing unfortunate pattern amongst females (strangers, acquaintances, and friends alike):

1) Boyfriend cheats on girlfriend.
2) Girlfriend publicly cusses out the "other" woman as well as her man.
3) Girlfriend ends up staying with her man.
4) Lather rinse, and repeat about 3-5 more times.
5) Finally, the boyfriend gets tired of fuckin with chicken heads and eventually wifes up his main.

And if it's not cheating it's something else. While I am relieved these men finally came around and give credit to these females for standing by their man, I can't help but ask myself, "Why did he have to fuck up 5 times when he should've acted right from the jump?" "Why be proud of being his main, when u should be his only?"


"When is enough, enough?"

There's a fine line between being a ride or die chick, and just being a dumb ass who allows herself to continuously get disrespected. Because growing up, I was also told to be the bigger person and walk away from a fight, especially one not worth it. But when are u "bowing out gracefully," as opposed to simply "giving up." How do we determine whether or not the fight is worth it? When do we know to hold on and when to let go?

Some say it's when u become indifferent. Some say u just know. Me? I have no idea. Shit. I fight with myself almost every day.


But I will say this. The next time ur at war, take a good look around and pay close attention. If ur all alone on that battlefield. If nobody's standing frontline with u. If u seem to have lost sight of what it is ur even fighting for to begin with, it's probably time to retreat ... or at the very least think of a new strategy plan. 'Cuz when it's real, u shouldn't have to fight so hard.



*EDITORS NOTE*
I was aware of Sade's new album but hadn't heard the Soldier of Love single 'till about 5 minutes ago and it's officially on repeat for the rest of the day. The blog totally wasn't inspired from it (I was actually debating on Soldier of Love or Gangster for Love but went with the war theme) but I'll take it. Sade's tax evading ass needs to come back to the Bay for a concert.

Fashion Monday ('Cuz I forgot Friday lol) - All I Want for Christmas

... is that damn Hellz letterman jacket lol. Rach better hope I don't fit hers otherwise I'm slippin her a rufee and stealing it from her closet! Other than that though, I got everything else covered pretty much (thanks to go-go dancing I have like 3 garter belts heyyyy lol). It's honestly way too cold for me to be wearing this shit stompin around downtown but this may be my Fame Monster outfit. I'll be sneaking in a flask and dancing like my life depended on it so I'm sure I won't be cold :) Get another rendition of this look over at Ladylike!

All I Want for Christmas by Hot.Sizzle featuring Dr. Martens boots

You Tube of the Day - I Invented Sex

After reading about Trey Songz' "I Invented Sex," video and seeing numerous Facebook statuses (statuses? is that a real word? probably not. oh well) regarding it I decided to finally check out what all the hoopla was about. Honestly, I didn't get it until 2:18 which just so happens to be the same exact screen shot in the YouTube below. UM HI. He's like staring at me and shit. I feel like I should put on makeup or something lol. I'm not even a hardcore Trey fan but he can definitely git it. Ladies, if yall haven't checked out this video yet, early Merry Christmas to you! Fuck, I could use a cigarette right about now ... and I don't even smoke.

Which totally reminds me, I met Trey back when "Can't Help but Wait," first came out at what used to be Loft 11. It was a Tuesday and while there was people, it wasn't anywhere near packed. So much that I was able to take a flic with the man. Granted I ain't no chicken head but DAMN could someone have told me to slap on some damn makeup? Blot that hot mess of a face? Or at the very least BRUSH MY FUCKING HAIR? *SMH* There's some obsessed Trey fan out there hatin on me right now sayin I ain't worthy and she's probably right lol.

Hello Lover

Cannot wait to try this. Would've copped it last night at Lucky's when I was shopping for "essentials" until I realized I couldn't carry a 12 pack of beer and a case of bottled water at the same time. I suppose water is more essential than beer. UGH, I suppose.

Bitch is the New Black

It seems to me that along with studs, and zippers, structured shoulders, thigh highs, Jeffrey Campbell, and leather rocker jackets - that bitch is the new black this season.

Now I don't know about u but I never saw the appeal. You mean to tell me we're now glamorizing the "mean girls" from high school that made fun of u 'cuz u couldn't afford the new Pennys, your bothers ex-girlfriend who only went out with him for his Virgin America plug, and your boss who wouldn't let u leave work early 'cuz u had a 109º fever??? 'Cuz last I remember, I wanted to throw a brick through these bitch's windshields.

Me? "I'm a nice girl, with some nice dreams." (Just don't piss me off. It takes a lot though so don't worry about it. Oh, except when I'm driving or waiting for MUNI. Then, steer clear!) I'm polite, befriend the outcasts, am tactful, and even do charity dances at the club sometimes (although I gotta be having a really, really good night). This doesn't mean I'm fake, or a pushover. It means it takes more energy for me to be mean rather than myself. I've been in a bitchy mood before, I've talked shit, and I sure as hell can act like a bitch, but I've never been a self-proclaimed, certified BITCH ... says the girl who's old MySpace user name was Bitch.Made and had "The bitch u love to hate," as my headline lol. Yah, I was frontin.

Or maybe, I was just confused. Perhaps this is where the miscommunication lies to begin with. Especially with all the different definitions of the word and the context it's used. Some people misinterpret blunt, opinionated, and strong females as being "bitches," when they're not. On the other hand, while I do appreciate and admirer raw honesty, and voicing ur opinion - sometimes that shit just ain't necessary and females need to mind their own fuckin business. 'Cuz like I once read before: Real bitches get BITCH-SLAPPED.

Some of my closest friends were bitches when I first met them *ahem* Lauren *ahem* Rach, but now that they've removed the sticks from outta their asses (and they're gonna hate me for saying this) I consider them some of the most sweetest and thoughtful individuals I've ever met. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, or maybe I just have a way with bitches lol. It's like the saying goes, "I hate bitches, but I love mine." Chances are though, if mine met themselves they sooo wouldn't be friends lol.


(I'm not in any way condoning domestic violence, so save it.)

Santa, Baby

I always like making a Christmas wishlist 'cuz I find it amusing ... as well as ironic considering that I hate the holidays and only find joy in buying other people gifts (I know, I'm a ruh-tard) but I've been extremely good this year so I figured it wouldn't hurt. Upon putting this list together, my mind went blank after the 3rd item and I realized I really am getting old 'cuz I didn't want much. With the exception of the Ipod Nano and Canon Digicam which I'll eventually buy for myself one of these days, I think I'm a pretty simple girl. I love Polyvore in case you couldn't tell. If you click on the link you can see item deets. P.S. I really want the matching Hello Kitty ear muffs instead of the gloves pictured here but I couldn't find the exact ones online lol. They're the same price though $14 I think!


Abi's 2009 Christmas List by Hot.Sizzle on Polyvore.com

Items in this set:
Amazon.com: Whitmor 6579-1975 3 Tier Expandable Shoe Rack: Home &..., $23
Rubbish® Button Scarf - Accessories & Scarves - Nordstrom, $20
M·A·C Duo Fibre Face Brush #187 - - Nordstrom, $42
Canon PowerShot 10.0MP Digital Camera - Blue (SD1200 IS) : Target, $200
Apple - iPod nano - VoiceOver - A new way to navigate your music.

But of course what I'd love the most this Xmas is if you donated to one of my favorite causes: Polar Bear Conservation, Pit Bull Rescue, and Cancer Research. That's what I'll be doing!


What's topping YOUR list this year?

If I were a Boy ...

... even just for a day ...

I definitely wouldn't be singin no goddamn songs about it in no patrol car.

I would however ...

• Piss standing up. Piss while walking. Piss into a bottle while driving my car. And I'd definitely try to write my name on the wall while pissing in an alley.
• Get shitface drunk and fuck some ugly bitch with a bangin ass body. Let's see if it's really "all the same with the lights off."
• Shave my pubes and see if it makes my hoo-hoo look bigger.
• Get into a fight ... for no reason.
• Make it rain at the Spearmint Rhino
• Participate in anything that required extreme athleticism 'cuz I'm hoping that my boy body is a lot more strong and agile than this fragile 'lil frame I'm dealing with right now.
• Enter an "all u can eat" contest .. and WIN.
• Test my alcohol tolerance
• Love to see how it feels to be a proud father holding his newborn baby for the very first time.
• See how long I could grow out my facial hair before my girlfriend leaves me or stops having sex with me.
• Free-ball it.
• Go to the gym and grunt and make funny noises while lifting weights too heavy for me. I've always wanted to do that.
• Unecessarily grab my balls. I've always wanted to do that too.
• Play my boys in Call of Duty and talk mad shit about fucking their mothers and make fun about how whooped by their girlfriends they are, almost get into a fight with them, and then call 'em up the next morning to play ball ... and probably talk more shit.
• I'd wack off at least twice a day (That's for Kaezel lol)
• Have the BEST fuckin kicks and fitted hats collection because all I'd ever buy were white tees and jeans so I could afford 'em.
• "Thug 'em, fuck 'em, love 'em, leave 'em. 'Cuz I don't fuckin need 'em. " Have 'em buy me dinner and take me to the LV store. Make 'em expendable. I want to see if it really IS that easy for some dudes to have no feelings or morals ... or heart.

Ladies, what would YOU do? And fellas, how would u flex the power of the p-u-s-s-y if u had one? No homo lol.

The Way it Is, The Way it Was, The Way it Always Will Be

They say that relationships usually end the way they started. I guess with ballers and the game, it's no exception. I was saddened to hear of AI's retirement a few weeks ago, but absolutely love the fact he's taking it back to where it all started. What an awesome way to bow out gracefully.

I used to carry a picture of AI in my wallet when I was younger. I know right? TRUST ME. I'm embarassed. Threw that away, but luckily, I kept my 76ers jersey. Can't wait to dust that baby off and force myself to fit in it again!



Thanks Gailey for the heads-up! She btw is the only woman I will say loves this man more than me lol.

Ain't No Sunshine When He's Gone

Just a few hours ago I found out an ex-employee who had taken the buyout a few months back had won the lottery. That's $38 million after taxes.

Then just a few hours later, I found out that one of my most favorite-tist people in the world and my absolute favorite-tist co worker ever, got laid off. His last day is January 8th. I am an absolute mess, I am devastated, and it's pretty safe to say I'm taking it harder than he is.

He was my only joy at work and is one of the only reasons I'm still here. He's such a sweet, caring, and hilarious person. I honestly don't know how I'm going to survive without him. Although we'll continue to be friends and frequent happy hours on Castro, things just won't be the same around here. And honestly, I wish it had been me instead. I'm the one that's been wanting to quit for the past year.

I hope this reminds everyone of how unpredictable life can be. You can be given something, and have something or someone taken away from u. Just. Like. That. Today I am reminded of WHY I have to make this writing thing work. It's kinda the only thing I got that I'm naturally good at. It has to work. It will work. Today, I am reminded to be grateful and appreciate those around u ... even if they won't shut up sometimes and distract u from doing ur work lol *ahem*.

It's funny how things happen. And I really hate that saying that "everything happens for a reason." So instead I'll say, "In the end, everything will be ok. If it's not ok, then it's not the end."

I sure hope so.

Tryna Make a Dolla Outta a Quarter-Life Crisis

For my Hayati.

Friday, July 07, 2006
Tryna Make a Dolla Outta a Quarter Life Crisis.
Current mood: optimistic

Gettin grown is funny as hell.

When I was 11 I wanted to be 13. When I was 13 I wanted to be 16. When I was 16 I wanted to be 18. When I was 18 I wanted to be 21. And when I turned 21, I wanted to stop the hands of time. Now that I'm unwillingly approaching the big 2-5, at times I swear Lord only knows how much I wish I could go back to the days when locker room drama, deciding on baby-names for our sacks of flour, and designing the illest prom dress was the only thing stressful in my life.

Folks at work keep tellin me, "Just wait 'till u turn 30," and it's not that I'm complaining about how old or young I am...it just sucks to have to dread turning another year older to begin with. I mean aren't we supposed to rejoyce another blessed year on Earth?

Then it hit me...I bet bitch-ass Lindsay Lohan don't sulk on her birthday. Neither does P-Diddy. And it ain't 'cuz they rich either, it's 'cuz they doing big thangs. Fuck, if everyday meant achieving one more goal, laughing 3 times more, meeting another postive person, and turning dreams into money I'd be rippin pages outta my calendar too!

So now I'm looking back at my life regretting the fact that I spent so many birthdays wah-ing about all the shit I didn't get to do the year before instead of thinkin of a game plan (and actually following through with it) for the next year.

My homegirl Rachel who passed away back in 2000 was only 18 when she left us but she had just graduated high school and just got back from Hawaii. Yeah I was sad and yeah I cried, but I realized back then that she did more in her 18 years of her life than I did in my 20. And u know what? Almost 5 years later and I still believe that.

Damn the truf hurts. But it's real. Realer than house parties, realer than relationships based on comfort, and realer than MySpace. Until we recognize, realize, and accept our flaws we will never be able to grow. We'll just grow older.

So what the fuck was my point again?

Movers and shakers don't cry that shit's over, they smile 'cuz that shit happened. What did I learn this past year? Stop pointing fingers unless u finna point them to yourself. It's ok to cut people out of your life who don't contribute anything positive to it. Don't slow down for others, let them catch up instead. Talk is cheap, especially when it comes outta your own moufpiece. "If u ain't gettin hated on, then u ain't doin shit" BB$ People finna talk shit anyway so u might as well give them something to talk about. LOVE LIFE. If u don't like the way it's going, change it suckah! And lastly...

Live everyday like it's your mufuckin birthday.

I'm not perfect, so don't think I'm preaching to yall. This blog is mostly for me but yo if it motivates some of yall then good lookin out. I made sooo many mistakes and that's ok as long as u learn from em...and although its way overdue I've finally learned from them. (Yall just don't take too long now!) Yeah these are all things that I'm sure u've heard and already know. But there's a difference between "hearing," and "comprehending," naw mean? And there's a difference between "knowing," and "believing." I used to know what I'd like to do in life, and where I'd want to be, but now I actually believe...well u just wait and see.

I'm a holla back at yall on my 26th birthday with some good news...or maybe I'll be too damn busy makin that yaper and dressin T.I. to update yall.

Just read about it in the paper :o)

Currently listening:
The Beautiful Struggle
By Talib Kweli
Release date: 28 September, 2004

*Editors Note* This was written centuries ago before I turned 25. And I didn't even start doing ANY of the things I had planned in 2006 until just a few months ago. EPIC FAIL. So don't feel bad. It's never too late to be the person u want to be.