For the next few years after that I was in a few relationships where I was saw one person exclusively but never had an actual boyfriend. And I liked it that way. I was able to remain independent and do my own thang but technically not have to report/reply/check in/or owe anything to anybody. Kinda fucked up, I know but hey it went both ways at least. This went on for so long that when I finally did get a boyfriend, I didn't know how to be in a relationship.
Dating fucking scares me. I can't even grasp the concept of what that is. Are the rules still the same? What are the fucking rules anyway? Can I "date" more than one person at a time? What if I catch feelings? When is it ok to have "the talk" with them? When it is ok to have sex with them? Does that mean it's ok to see other people? Am I supposed to call them everyday? If they don't hit me up everyday does that mean they're no longer interested? FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK.
And then I stop to think about it. And realize what the ultimate problem is - I don't know to stop, calm the fuck down, take a deep breath, put my bulletproof vest on, and JUST BE.