Wednesday, September 15, 2010


How many times have you went to your favorite restaurant, and then sat at the table after a really good meal, feeling as if you’ll throw up if you eat so much as four more grains of rice?

Yeah, me too.

Now how many times have you sat there staring at those four, soft, fluffy, delectable grains of rice with your belly already busting out of your pants and scraped them off of your plate anyway?

Yeah, me three … along with the remaining sweet potato fries, some fried chicken skin, and a slice of peach cobbler - because everyone knows there’s always room for dessert.

And so you sit there feeling slightly disgusted with yourself, because you stopped being hungry 23 minutes ago. I mean, didn’t we just annihilate the #3 King Kong special? Nevertheless, you continued to eat. Because the food was just THERE, with no home or place to go. Because you were BORED. Because, you were GREEDY.

It’s ok to say it out loud. You’re not the only one, and recognizing the problem is the first step to recovery. Now that you’re aware of the issue, you have to take action and I am more than happy to help with my top three tips on how to NOT be a greedy heffer at the dinner table. But be advised, I am not a doctor, a dietician, or even a personal trainer. Nor were these tips formulated after dozens of case studies or from scientific research. I’m just a hungry little girl with a protruding belly and some common sense.

1. If eating out, eat something before you go to the restaurant: You don’t have to eat an entire meal but eat enough so you know you won’t order the entire left side of the menu when you get there. Chances are you may still do just that, and then waste money when you get full after the first entrée but this isn’t an article about saving money, it’s about saving room in your waistband.

2. Dress accordingly: And I’m not talking about the Crustacean dress code of a shirt, tie, and jacket. I’m talking about wearing the tightest jeans, the most form fitting dress, or if you mean serious business - a mid-driff top to dinner. Because even if you don’t love yourself enough to control your eating, you’ll at the very least love yourself enough to not eat so much to the point where you look like a sausage in your bandage dress or Santa Claus in your new Crooks & Castles cardigan.

3. Leave the ATM card in the car and bring just “enough”cash: You’re not being cheap, you’re being strategic. How are you going to be able to afford the filet mignon with mashed potatoes and lobster tail when you can only afford the mashed potatoes? Make sure to let your friends know the game plan ahead of time too, or else being the generous people they are, they will probably offer to spot you. Just know this does not give you an excuse to eat the entire basket of complimentary bread.

And there you have it. 3 simple, yet effective (although NOT guaranteed) ways to NOT be a heffer. Now excuse me while I go murder a Papalote's Triple Threat burrito.


awna said...

What a HIPPOcrite!!!

Mouf.Peace said...

lol "but it never stopped me before!"