Monday, September 28, 2009

Wing-Woman 101


I've been told on numerous occasions from my boys that I make an excellent wingwoman. One time, I was even referred to as "bait," and although I don't like being compared to worms and fish guts, I'm gonna take it as a compliment anyway. But it wasn't until my 25th birthday party when my best guy friend got laid instead of me that I finally believed the hype.
Now notice how I specifically say, "from my boys," up there. That wasn't on accident. 'Cuz honestly, my girls got game. They be shootin 3-pointers and on their 2nd free shot while I'm air ballin at the end of the bar still trying to get the damn bartenders attention. I'm pretty much useless. And I'm kinda scared of boys. One time on vacation in NY, I pointed out a guy I thought was cute at the club and when my girl Cathy said she was gonna call him over I almost cried. No, I'm serious - as in I started freakin out and my eyes started to well up. Like I'm allergic to the dick or sumthn.

ANYWAY ...

The role of the wing-woman differs slightly from the wing-man BUT it's still a delicate art nevertheless and just as imperative to a mans chances of leaving the club with someone, or at least someone's number. So after a little Maverick/Goose/Iceman research I have compiled the following tips to being a successful wing-woman.
  • The wing-woman must be attractive. Aye, don't shoot the messenger. But I ain't gonna front, I agree. Fly ass female + mediocre looking dude = "DAAAMN he must lay the pipe good if he's with HER," or something of that nature. And let's face it, nobody wants the Hunchback of Notre Dame hanging on their arm at the club even if they are just an accessory and not wifey. I mean, u wouldn't hang an ugly purse on ur shoulder or wear a busted pair of Js out would u? The only exception to this rule is what I call the Bill Bellamy approach. If yall watched "How to be a Player," then u'll know what I'm talking about.
  • The wing-woman must have an outgoing personality as well. Don't think that just because ur wing-woman is attractive that it's a done deal. Personally, I rather have an "ok" looking wing-woman with a mouth piece than a drop dead gorgeous Helen Keller. Women who aren't insecure are usually drawn to other awesome women, and if they're in a public setting then most likely they'll start chatting it up. Thus, bringing her one step closer to ur homie.
  • The wing-woman, although gorgeous with a dope personality, must NOT be a threat. Sounds like a total contradiction to all of the above don't it? See, this is where it gets tricky and the fine line emerges. Many women are guilty of pullin a, "Why aren't u with "so and so? She's not ugly." God this is so irritating. I got this from every fucking girl my ex roommate used to mess with and from almost every single girl my bff talks to. Usually the answer is 'cuz the women keeps the relationship platonic. Whatever the reason is though, all they need to know is yall AREN'T together. So make sure to strategically let that be known.
  • The wing-woman must have good timing. Know when to intercept and when to back off so the homie can score himself a touchdown. She has to set shit up, but not in an obnoxious, embarassing, obvious way that will send the "mark" running in the opposite direction.
  • The wing-woman must NOT be a hater. ""If u can't fuck a ten, fuck 2 fives."~ Method Man. How many times has a man pointed out a chick he's feelin and their female friend respond with a, "Ehhh she's OK," or a, "Oh hell no," alltogether?! Even when a man knows a women isn't that attractive, long as she breathes, got 2 eyes a nose and a mouth, and a vagina she'll still get a "I'd still hit it." Shit, sometimes depending on the weather they don't even need that! A good wing-woman won't let her boy fuck a 2, but an even better one won't talk shit when her boy's target is a 4 1/2. Find a good balance, and let ur boy have some fun. It ain't u that's gonna be wakin up next to coyote ugly the next morning. Plus, u get to make fun of him afterwards!
  • In the words of my guy bff himself, "My wing-woman gotta act like I fucked her real good one time." LMAO, I'm on bro sister status with this dude so it so ain't happening. It's gross to even pretend. BUT I totally see where he's coming from and why this totally makes sense.

And there u have it ladies and gents, my guide to being a good wing-woman. If there's anything u want to add, please do so. Help me help u. Be a good sameritan and help others get laid. And please, remember this is all in good fun. Don't come at me on some "This is using women as OBJECTS," or, "Not all men are shallow," shit. U've come to the wrong blog with all that stick up ur ass nonsense. I know all of this already ... I just don't care. And I know u shouldn't rely on other people to meet other people, but it's just so much more fun when it's a team effort lol!

7 comments:

gailey said...

love it. i get played wing-woman to a lot of guys from where I'm from! haha

what i used to do was be "friends" with the girl or at least pretend to for that night. the more comfortable they are with you, the more comfortable they will be when you try to ease your boys name into the convo.

DJ CMC said...

The woman cannont have a hidden agenda for their friend, ie..."Imma wingman, in hopes he doesn't like this girl, then I slip in n b the hero" also she has to b personable, but not memorable. U want to

Crash said...

word. great article, better than the ones CMC writes lol.

Mouf.Peace said...

@ crash lmao!

@ christian - that's not a wingwoman. it's a girl secretly in love with her friend tryna front lol.

@gaiely - EXACTLY! haha. ain't really gotta do much, just make the introduction. and leave the rest up to ur friend! works everytime :)n

DJ CMC said...

shut up crash! LOL

@abi - yea, i guess i watch too many movies, "my best friends wedding"-ish

Yvonne said...

GIRLL!!! your OFF THA HOOK! ina fucken fantastic way....

All i wanna know is when they are we gonna meet! You get me everytime!

PINK DIAMOND haw-ler

Bryan! said...

Thanks for the post! i just emailed it to my homegirl, well...now my wing woman! thanks!