Thursday, October 22, 2009

A Women's Best

Better than a pair of classic, red soled, patent leather Christian Louboutins. More grand dior than ur favorite Louie Vuitton purse. And even more quintessential than this seasons dangling, feather earrings - a womens best accesory is her gay.

For years, women have flocked to gay bars and tagged along to gay events. We tune in every week for Glee and all wish we had a "Will" of our very own. And for years men have wondered WHY? Why are the gays so lucky? Why do women prance around half naked in front of them so comfortably as if they were alone? Why do they let them hump them on the dance floor? Why do they let them touch their boobs? Why do they sleep in the same bed and cuddle with them like it's nothing? Why do gay men and straight women sometimes kiss? Why do women love the gays so much?

I'll tell u why.

1) They are hilarious. Not that there aren't some hysterically funny straight men out there. Jamie Foxx, Jim Carey, Will Ferrel, Katt Williams, Jo Koy - I mean helloooooo?! But I swear there is something magical in a gays fruity pebbles that allows them to say the same exact thing one person says yet make it 1,000 times funnier. Besides, they can get away with saying waaay more things than a straight man can say. 'Cuz if a straight man said, "Man I made him cum so hard he looked like Emily Rose bending over backwards to grab onto the headboard," well, they'd just sound gay.

2) They're fun. When a gay comes out they come out, and not just outta the closet either. If u go to a club trying to spot a gay, I'd say look for the one dude smiling, drunk, and mmmaybe with his shirt off dancing in the middle of 4 hot chicks. 4 hot chicks whom he can all outdance. Perhaps it's due to years of oppression that gays feel the need to liberate themselves to the highest extent. Or perhaps it's the fact that most of them make decent to good money, aren't married, and have no kids that fuels them to go hard or go home (pun intended). Whatever it is, I have yet to meet a boring gay at a party.

3) They're the BEST shopping buddies. Because some of ur girlfriends as much as u love 'em - ain't got no style. Because some of ur girlfriends don't know no better. Because some of ur girlfriends are the same size as u and will lie but show up to the club in that same exact Jimmy Choo for H&M dress they said was bunk the week before. Because sometimes we plain and simply just don't wanna go shopping with our girlfriends. And because if we take a straight man they will do the following:

I. Say "yes" to everything
a) because that's what they're supposed to say
b) they really do think u look beautiful in everything (aw)
c) they'll say whatever will get yall out the door and back home to the game as fast as possible

II. Be ...
a) next door at Gamestop
b) next, next door at Foot Action watching the game with the rest of the boyfriends
c) be outside the store, on the phone, chewing gum, or picking lint outta his pocket - being anywhere but inside F21 with u doing anything except watching women shop

Because a gay man will usually have more fashion sense than u and always, always look out for ur best interest. U are their best accesory as well, and honey u know they ain't tryna tote no ugly, tacky, cheap purse on their arm.

4) They're allergic to booshit. They'll give it to u straight with no chaser. Not that all hetereo's are liars but if those thigh high boots make ur legs look like longanisa links, they'll tell u. If ur new haircut looks more trailer park than high fashion, they'll tell u. And if ur ex mans new girl is drop dead gorgeous, they'll also tell u. But they'll also tell u, u got the best rack they've ever seen so show them off instead, to slick ur hair to the side and add a cute barette so u look less Jim Bob Nascar Jones and more Rihanna, and that as pretty as she is - the bitch still ain't YOU (and they'll mean it too). Even if they sugar-coat shit, they'll still tell u the truth. Reason being, they ain't got time to sweat the petty. Besides y would they lie? They ain't tryna boink u anyway. They have bigger things to worry about i.e. coming out to the people they love, not getting beat up by homophobes, PROPOSITION 8.

5) Lastly, and most of all, They'll be all of the above and not expect anything in return asides from ur friendship. And maybe letting them borrow ur squin bra once in a while. Gays are like a 2 in 1 package. "Strong enough for a man but made for a women." The looks and comfort of a man, combined with the sisterhood u'd get from another female. They can be ur handsome date at ur girls wedding and tell u ur beatiful and let u cry on their shoulder ... and then go home and fuck their boyfriend instead of trying to get into ur pants. Despite how close yall two may get, they'll never fall for u so there's no risk of potentially losing a friendship to a failed relationship or feelings that aren't reciprocated. Like MY gay said himself, "We love our girls unconditionally without wanting anything in return - and u guys know that."

Aw boo boo, we love u too.

Heteros, I hoped u learned a thing or two from this PSA. And if yall still feel jipped, don't forget, it's yall - not the gays, that get to bang us. Well, unless yall get down like that of course lol.

The only man who'll never hurt me.


Anonymous said...

omG abi, that was way above and beyond what i was expecting when you said you were writing something..dang, i actually feel sorry for people who haven't gotten to read your stuff, your gift is undeniable my really have a way with words. wowsers! and you hella put my picture up! wtf? lol, thanks for not posting the one where my sister almost plucked off my entire eyebrows! haha, you'll be hearing from me tomorrow...=) i love you abi! =) oh btw, imma post this as anonymous cuz i don't have a google account, lol, but for anyone that's reading this, it's me edward! lol

Se7en said...


Why does this entire list describe me?

And I am straight.


marie said...

Awww I love this entry almost as much as I love my gay husband =)

And you're absolutely right, he is that man in your life that will never hurt you... My bf and my gay can say the exact same "truth" about anything but the latter will put it in a way that is so hilarious and so cheeky and sensitive enough that i just can't get mad at him for saying it.

Also, as much as I love goin out with the bf, I'd take my gay to the club any night instead cuz we speak the same language and all we have to do is eye talk and know we both are criticizing someone's wack outfit.

Great post! I love your blog

michelle said...

i feel you on every point in this post! i'm definitely gonna have to share this with my gay!

gailey said...

i LOVE the gays!! and we're lucky we have a few in our lives!!

ps. the other night, mary, tranny , and i went to The Fruit Loop (bar hopping in one area). free alcohol, gays galore, and unlimited tears from laughter! wish you were with us!!

audry said...

one of my favorite blogs from you!! i love this =)

Evil Genius said...

lol, longanisa links!!

DJ CMC said...

dude...remember im your non-gay friend....keep that in MIND! lol

Unknown said...

lmsfao @ longanisa links. I'm hungry now. hahaha.

I really wish I had a gay. I've never had one. =[

But I already know that once I have one, that'll be my ride or die bitch.


Mouf.Peace said...

@ saucey lol ur talking about them as if they're pets! but omg yes, they're awesome - just don't get on their bad side haha.