The Past Does Not Exist

Dear Abi,

My boyfriend broke up with me for the second time in 4 months. We kind of went back into the whole dating stage, and a little later we got back together. After a month and a half of being together again, he broke it off again and said "I don't know what to do in this relationship anymore, I'm not happy anymore" We went out for 4 and half years. At first, I thought it would be okay to be friends. But we have mutual friends, we hang out with the same people. I was his best friend before we went out for 4 years, I'm his 7th girlfriend, I've been around for all of his other girlfriends, helped him through all of it. I decided to text him one day and tell him that no matter how we say we are friends, its never going to be the same, we don't act upon being friends then why bother. He replies with a "I understand, but it would be great if we can be friends and talk in the future, take care of yourself, hope to see you around sometimes, SMILE!"

But what it is I don't know what to do is how to handle me and my exboyfriend. I realize that we got to the end of the road of me and him and there's nothing more to it. But for some reason I feel like I'm still holding onto something because he's still constantly in my thoughts, the past, sometimes the what ifs, what could've would've should've been shit.

Thanks,
The X-Factor

Oh probecita. Can I just give u a virtual hug right now, 'cuz this hits way too close to home and I am more than sympathetic. The fact of the matter is - u can't be "friends" with someone u deeply care about, moreover someone u love and have such a long history with. And quite frankly, y would u even want to? This doesn't mean hate him, bad mouth him, and throw rocks at him when yall 2 cross paths. That's not necessary and takes up way too much energy u could be putting towards more positive and productive things. Besides, u wouldn't mean any of it anyway. But really sit down and ask urself, "Can I be platonic friends with this man, they way I am for my other guy friends or even homegirls?" Do u think at this point in ur lives, that as friends yall 2 could get shit face with each other and NOT hook up? If he fell deeply in love with someone else tomorrow, could u genuinely be happy for him and not wish it was u instead? If the answer is honestly YES then God bless u child, I should be writing u instead. But if it's NO, then at least for the time being u really need to try and distance urself. One might think, "No, that's running away from the problem." And in a sense, it's true. U should be able to just face it up front and then learn to get over it. But for me, that only prolongs things. I dealt with it by completely cutting the ex and anything related to him out of my life. Changed my phone #, deleted him and his friends from my buddy list/MySpace/Cell phone/etc. IT HURT. A LOT. But it was necessary. It's hard especially since yall have so much history. But for now u have to embed this in ur brain - THE PAST DOES NOT EXIST. Which is complete and utter booshit because memories make us who we are, BUT the more u say it the more u will believe it. The more u believe it, the more it will make sense. And the more it will make sense, u will no longer use the "past" as an excuse to torture urself by attempting to be "friends" with ur ex in the present. Don't worry if the next time he calls u and u stare at ur phone and tell urself, "Do not pick up, do not pick up," and then u pick up. Completely understandable. But let me leave u with something from another blog so u know that u are not alone, so that WE know we are not alone:

"lets take a take step back. to the ex. you know when you want something to work so bad cause it did for so long, but it clearly doesn’t anymore. and you think ok it worked before so lets go back. well we tried a few times but life is about moving forward, not backwards."

Life is also about not being STAGNANT. So don't think that just because ur not going backwards, it's ok to be STUCK. Whatever u do, do it at ur own pace. There's no doubt in my mind u 2 could be friends again eventually, but right now it's just all too fresh. Who knows, yall 2 might even get back together in the future. Orrr, u may find love elsewhere. The girl I quoted above found it again, and so did I.