Thursday, May 7, 2009

First Love.

I was never one of those little girls who wished for their Prince Charming to come. I was too busy playing kickball or kicking boys in the shin with my shiny Mary-Janes. I didn't play "house," nor cared to be the "mommy." I played "Dr." and "School," and made my little cousins be patients and students. I had more Barbie clothes than actual Barbies and the only Ken Doll I had played "host" at Barbie fashion shows I threw. I had never even considered marriage until I graduated high school, and even then, it wasn't a big deal to me. I was convinced that I'd be the successful fashion designer who lived in her own condo with 2 adopted children, 1 dog, and a big, nice, green houseplant - and I was just fine with that.

Just to clarify, I'm not bitter or cynical. I'm not lesbian, or even a "man-hater." I love men. They're beautiful, and come in handy when operating complicated machinery or lifting heavy loads. Contray to popular belief, I am the biggest hopeless romantic EVER. And while I'm not into PDA or cheesy romanticism, I'll be the first to tear up at a wedding. Gimme The Notebook, The Holiday, or A Walk to Remember, a box of tissue, and a carton of ice-cream and it's OVER.

But while I am all for happily ever afters and lavish weddings with long ass money dances, it was never my #1 priority in life because I felt that no matter how head over heels screaming from the mountain tops in love I was, NO MAN could ever take the place of my first love. That first love being fashion design (With writing being my mistress).

I have always believed that every person should have a love that nobody could take away from them. So that no matter how tragic the demise of a relationship is, they're still left with something they can call their own. When a friend of mine was having issues with her boyfriend, I suggested she occupy her time with things she loves to do that don't involve her man. It damn near broke my heart when she said, "I don't have anything." I felt sorry for her. She was one of those girls I had detested in high school that lost themselves in their relationships, whose worlds revolved around the happiness of their man.

It didn't make any sense to me, 'cuz seriously, you can have both. Personal success can coincide with a healthy relationship but only if ur partner shares the same ideal and ur willing to share them with his or her first love as well. It goes both ways. And it's the only type of "sharing of my man" that I would condone and encourage.

In a perfect world, that is what would happen. But apparently, "nothing worth having comes easy." People start buggin. People become unreasonable. Respect and trust is thrown out the window. I've been in love before. I've fallen hard. And I've been hurt. But no matter how caught up I was, I always found comfort in sketching designs or writing in my diary. And seriously, my best blogs songs, and poems have been inspired by tragedy, no matter how minor or major. Like Yeezy says, "Turn tragedy to triumph."

So fellas, ladies, if you haven't already - find that love. and don't let go. It's never too late to fall in love. And if u've already found it, get reaquainted with it. Whether it be art, music, nursing, mma, or cooking - make it urs. 'Cuz it'll be the one love that although may beat u, won't leave u with scars. And it will never, ever leave u for another wo/man.


gailey said...

thanks for the inspiration! (*tear*)

one of the "most EMO-est marys ever"

Anonymous said...

ur right. not the same. BUT I LOVE IT.

=) chasing dreams i never knew i had and doing it with someone WHO LIVES INSIDE MY HEAD is fun. love u hayati! NO HOMO.

The12thLetter said...

"Personal success can coincide with a healthy relationship..."

How sad that so few womyn know this but I'm happy to hear that the knowledge isn't lost on all of us! This post should be announced to womyn worldwide.

Slash... I think pole dancers are amazing too, do you dance?

Mouf.Peace said...

12thLetter - No I don't pole dance, fuck, I can't do half the stuff they do suspended in the air on the damn ground!