Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Superwoman

There are days when I feel like sunshine and roses and rainbows, and eskimo kisses, and all sorts of pretty, fluttery, fruity-loopy shit. Sometimes I even ask my friends who are still in their never ending honeymoon stage questions like, "How did u guys meet? How did he propose? How did u know u loved him? etc. etc." just so I can giggle and feel encouraged upon hearing my response. Just last week I started crying "happy tears" at work while listening to Robin Thicke's "Sweetest Love," 'cuz I thought the song was so beautiful and it encompassed everything wonderful about being in a relationship. And just yesterday I drafted a post talking about how happy I am to be at a place in my life where although I've been hurt, and my hearts been beaten, I embrace my bruises and scars and STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE. Afterall, "When u harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere."

But sweetie, today ain't one of those days.

I'm borderline rivaling Kurt Cobain's self-loathe factor and am as bitter as a Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale. I am a living, breathing, walking hypocrisy of all the ideals I try to convey in my blogs. And that pisses me off so much I think I'm turning green.

Today. Today I feel like the clean-up woman. Like Chuck from Good Luck Chuck minus the penis and insane sex-life. Except at least Chuck was useful, he served a purpose. I feel useless, and a little unworthy. Like every effort I've made went unnoticed, or just wasn't good enough. I feel inconsolable and stubborn. I don't want to hear no goddamn "It's gonna be ok," or, "Time is ur friend,"bullshit. I know it's true, but I refuse to swallow it. Everyone around me is having babies and getting married and I'm just. Here. I'm in no rush for either 'cuz I sure as hell ain't ready for either, but it would be nice to know that it WILL happen. And now I sound pathetic. Oh dear God I must look like Jennifer Anniston. Bright girl. Pretty girl. Smart girl. Funny girl. But something must be wrong with her if she ain't got no man?! So now I'm angry. With myself. For having this schizophrenic conversation. For this heart vs. mind civil war. For even thinking of thinking that I'm not good enough or anything less than extraordinary. For dwelling on failed relationships and disecting the exact second it went wrong and what I could've done to have avoided it's destruction when none of that shit is important nor relevant. For caring about the past. For letting everyone that is reading this down. For letting myself down.

'Cuz let's face it, I wouldn't write "Dear Abi," if Abi sounded like a bi-polar lunatic that overdosed on crazy pills and can't keep it together herself.

Buuuut, I'm still here ... writing ... and I haven't clicked "save as draft" yet or delete. Because despite the fact that I'm sure I'll regret puttin my vulnerabilities on blast tomorrow - yall need to see it. Not 'cuz I'm fishing for compliements 'cuz shiiit, I rather get complimented on my shoes. And not so yall can feel bad for me, 'cuz shiiit I rather you feel bad that I gotta take the retarded ass MUNI home in the rain, SICK, with a broken umbrella and offer me a ride instead. But because u need to know that when yall email me and I say, "I feel u girl," it's for real for real. So that u can know that u really aren't alone. So that u can know it's OK to have a bad day. So that you believe me when I say that I was once in ur shoes. So that u know, that I do know what it feels like to have every movie, tv show, picture, holiday, song, smell, sight, sound, every memory that once made u smile - make u break down and cry. Because we all know that heartbreak is evident. It happens to the best of us.

So now I sit here, with a cold. Eyes watery and nose running. Finishing up this blog, researching business plans, and publishing houses, and completing the fundraiser programs. Doing all of that - yet still feeling like I should be doing more.

There are days when I feel like I'm Super Woman. But the reality is, I'm not. I am not more powerful than a locomotive. I cannot leap tall buildings in a single bound. Hell, I can't even move my blog over to wordpress without getting a migraine. So I'm sorry. I can't be your Super Woman. But mufucka, I'm a good woman. Todays just not my day.

4 comments:

Melissa said...

I have those days too, and it pisses me off like hell. Why the fuck am I trying to figure out what I did wrong, when he dumped me on my ass a month ago! And it doesn't even hurt this time! It makes me sick, and so mad.
Love your blog, I feel ya all the way from New Zealand!
Melissa,
xx.

Anonymous said...

Wow...Just wow.

I've been following your blog and I usually don't leave comments but you just pretty much summed up everything I'm feeling this week. Its been 4 months since my bf of 10years left and your blog has been such a comfort for my broken heart.

Thanks for sharing your down moments. It takes a lot of courage to admit that we're not perfect all the time. I love your blog and rach's blog! You guys are awesome.

princessnavajo. said...

ugggh, i admire YOU & your writing so much. there are days where i'm doing sooo well, but then i hit a day where i take 77steps backward & i come to your blog knowing that something you wrote will make me take a few steps forward & i do. Sooo thankyou. feel better mamas :)

TIA said...

I felt EXACTLY that way today and I even wrote a whole journal entry about self-loathing. It was just a day where everything I was holding inside me--all my insecurities, irritations, and doubts overtook me. Nothing felt right or good. And even telling myself that nobody's perfect and that I should give myself a break didn't make me feel any better.

It is just one of those days...and we are the hardest on ourselves. I hope you will start feeling better soon. And this post doesn't make you a hypocrite--it makes you human; beautiful in your complexity, and utterly relatable.