Thursday, August 27, 2009

It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To

There are two times out of the year, where I start to feel really, really depressed. Valentine's Day isn't one of them. I actually love most holidays; Easter, Labor Day, Halloween. But it pretty much goes downhill after Thanksgiving. However, nothing compares to the self-loathe I feel that starts right about this time every year.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE birthdays ... just not my own. If I'm not crying over the fact that I've wasted yet another year of my life, I'm worrying about people either not showing up or not having fun at my party - so I rather not have one at all.
In an attempt to resolve this love/hate relationship with my birthday in the past, I've traveled. For as long as I can remember, I've went out of town for my birthday. Vegas, New York, Hawaii, Vegas again, Hawaii again, and then just last year, Puerto Rico. It's kinda like cheating. I get to party without any stress or pressure. I know, I know. There shouldn't be stress or pressure period. And ur absolutely right. But this is an 8 year disease in the making, so bare with me 'cuz if shit was easier done than said I wouldn't have half the inspiration for the posts on this blog.
Up until today I had not planned anything this year. I mostly went over the possibility of locking myself in my room, and hiding in the closet until my birthday was over and it was just a plain old, ordinary Thursday. Then, because I'm such a fucking coward, I booked a 22 hour trip to Vegas like a crazy person. And while I know I'll probably have a blast I still feel slightly horrible inside. Because my caring friends, and my concerned mom are all telling me that everything will be OK and to calm the fuck down, but I for the life of me CAN'T. So amidst my mini-anxiety attack at work, I came across this: 100 Ways to Live a Better Life.
And I swear it hit me like Rampage Jackson.
I highly suggest checking out that link, some of the best advice EVER. The funny thing is, none of this is new to me. I've read excerpts similar and have had friends tell me these exact things. But I guess the exact right words at the exact right time can work wonders on ur soul. I took lunch shortly after and it was amazingly yet oddly beautiful outside and I already felt somewhat better. Some of u might think I'm being dramatic, or call me a whiner. Make whatever assumptions u want. But the last thing I want people to think is that I'm ungrateful. I know that not many people have friends or family to celebrate with, what more live to celebrate their 28th. I know that instead of complaining over what I didn't do this last year, I should be thankful for what I did do and focus on what I'm going to do in the year to come. But mostly, I know that instead of complaining over who doesn't show up, I should instead be thankful for those who do.
Like I said, this birthday slump disease is something I've been infected with for more than 8 years now so there won't be any overnight revelations going on. But like #21 on that list says: "Be better, Not Perfect."


Dragos Roua said...

Being sad on your birthday shows at least you care about yourself. Maybe the outcome of the last year wasn't the nicest one, but at least you can look back, you already have this awareness. That's already something huge.

I used to have this sadness on my birthdays too. Now I don't even bother to throw up a party on my birthday. I just treat everyday like my birthday.

I'm glad you found something that moved you in that article. I really am :-)

Unknown said...

oh abigail...SURPRISE! lets go to a club for ur birthday! it will be fun! LOL!

believeable? lol