Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Alone, but not Lonely

It's been roughly 2 weeks since I've started sleeping back home.
In my own in-law.
In my own bedroom.
And in my own bed.

Usually at this time, I'd be a mess. Which I am, but in an entirely different sense.

It's quiet except for the soft flutter of the heater as it goes on and off in 5 minute intervals. It's pitch-black except or the light my laptop's monitor gives out. And my hair is still wet from the unnecessarily long shower I took about an hour ago.

These are all things I'd normally overlook and not give a flying fuck about, but because I'm now alone, I pay attention to the most miniscule details and littlest of things and in a strange way - appreciate them. Because 5 years ago, shit, even 5 months ago, I did not know what "alone" was. Nor did I want to know. I was scared of it. I detested it. I did everything I possibly could to be on the opposite side of the spectrum away from it.

But then for the first time in my entire life I said to myself, "I think I'm better off alone."

WOW. For real?

I guess I'm a mess because in the past, I only pretended to be ok with this. I tricked myself into agreeing with it, and forced myself to accept it. Which sometimes is just something u have to do. "Fake it 'till u make it," right? But just know that everyone's wounds heal at a different rate so until one genuinely believes they are ok with being alone - no matter how many parties they attend or lunch dates they have scheduled, the loneliness will always be there.

And I ain't sayin to go lock urself in ur room and make friends with the 4 walls of ur closet. I'm not sayin disable ur Facebook, delete ur MySpace, and change ur number. No need to drop off the face of the Earth, change jobs, move to a different city, and isolate urself from the world. All I'm sayin is learn to be alone and not lonely.

U don't even have to like it. But once u achieve it, trust me u'll find a positive side to it. And once u find a positive side to it, u'll love it. Because that means the worst part is over and u will then be affirmed that the "alone" part was only meant to be temporary. Cliches are a bitch but "Without the sour, the sweet just ain't as sweet baby." If u cannot appreciate being alone, u will never fully be able to unselfishly let another person be a part of ur life and be a part of theirs.

So finally, nearly 10 years after my first real relationship, I have finally accepted the inevitable. Because asides from all that spiritual self-empowerment mumbo-jumbo, the truf isss u just can't have someone be there for u all the fucking time! Even the most awesome of friends and family will let go of ur hand, and that's exactly what makes them awesome. 'Cuz they know that nobody can help u, unless u help urself. It's almost God's fucked up way of testing us. And Lord knows I've failed this one many, many, many times. I'm like a 27-year-old super senior in h.s. at this point. But like my girl Rach always says, "Progress not perfection."

It's ok to have a lonely moment every now and then. We're only human. I slip ALL THE TIME. Honestly, I did right before I wrote this blog lol. 'Cuz come on, who doesn't want to have someone fill that empty side of the bed? Just know that being alone is only as lonely as u make it. And right now I'm taking up the entire bed laying in mufuckin starfish position at night, making angels in the snow while I sleep, and enjoying my space.


gailey said...

i told you time would be your best friend. 'cuz in time... you learned that being alone isn't so bad.

love you mary

DJ CMC said...

yet another great post...still learning the art of being.......ALONE, you kno thats my biggest issue in my life..

cataLin0 said...

This reminds me of the poem my moms sent me. You've probably read it: 'A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE', by Pamela Redmond Satran (credit to Maya Angelou too).

There's a part that says "EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it..."

~keep walking through it, at your own pace; that's strength~

Unknown said...

Aww little abi is growing up. :) lol

Unknown said...

"progress not perfection"..
and there are NO rules as to when and how you get there as long as you allow it all to happen..

When one door closes another opens
Gods doesnt give US patience, or strength, or love but but he gives us an opportunity to be patient, to be strong, and to love whether IT be someone or yourself.

and NOW "alone" falls into a time
where I LOVE ME MORE..

SIDE NOTE: great listen "ME by TAMIA"

I hope you have a kick ass day mama!

Yvonne (Pink Diamond)

cammille Santos said...

Feel you on every level. We all in the same boat girl. thank you for sharing.

Anonymous said...

There's a fine line between being a lone & lonely.
& You fuckin' got that shit on teh dot.
You ain't gonna be lonely if you accept to be alone.
If you don't accept it, lonely is all you'll be.
Shit, I love your posts. Honest. <3

I feel like everyone's comment just shat on mine.

Mouf.Peace said...

yvonne: i just peeped out that song its perrrfect and i had a wonderful day thanks!

camille: ur totally welcome

connie: the end of ur comment hella made me "lol" its alll good ur comment is still very appreciated.

lane said...

i understand how you feel.

what i've discovered is that the more you get to know and love yourself, the "lonely" thing becomes less and less a reality whenever you're alone.

i'm a single mom, and like many single moms, dating is a bitch for me. lol. needless to say, i'm alone a lot when i'm hangin out at home after my son is in bed and all of my friends have left. but i'm rarely lonely. this is primarily because i've learned to be really kind to myself and to enjoy my own company. i think that being alone provides you with those gifts, learning to be kind to yourself and to really grow into who you are. it's difficult to do that with someone always in your personal space.

this is really going to expose my inner hippie in all its tree humping glory, but i'll say it anyway...

i like to think that all of us as humans are a lot like flowers that bloom in spring and wilt at the end of their season, or trees whose leaves change colors and fall as the months go by. we change, we fall down, we get back up and we're renewed and refreshed and better as people after that cold, dead season (a breakup, a loss, whatever). just as flowers wither and will grow again given the proper care and attention, and the tree that lost all its leaves in the winter will grow new ones when the more pleasant, warmer weather comes around again :).

OMFG that was like hippie vomit!

(but i really do believe in it).

lane said...

P.S. YES, feel free to re-post the rpattz panties! :)