This morning over Korean corn tea and a Myoplex bar, I had one of my usual morning AIM conversations with my folks that consisted of; our weekend plans, Jeremy Lin's performance against John Wall, The Foreign Exchange, and how I need to schedule a brazilian before I go on vacation.
Not that a vacation is synonymous with getting laid, it's just that my kine of vacations always include tropical weather, turquoise waters, sandy beaches, and BIKINIS. And bikinis = bikini wax 'cuz nobody wants to be Miranda in the Sex and The City Cabo scene.
When I was younger, I never quite understood the concept of waxing. I thought it was only for porn stars and Playboy bunnies. Why am I gonna pay someone to pour hot wax on me and then rip out my pubic hairs? Like, WHY? So naturally, the first time I went, I was TERRIFIED. I've never gotten complaints before in that department (in fact, only compliments lol) but I must've washed my pikachu 6 times and sprayed body splash on that bitch 'cuz really? You couldn't pay me enough to be all up in someone's cooter like that.
But I could. $50 plus tip to be exact. 'Cuz while I'm sure Cindy's on Mission St. could do it for less than half the price, I'm really not tryna have the same chick who paints flowers on my nails touch my hoo-haw. So I head over to Dermaplus on Union St., and my waxer Justene (who I might as well be bff's with now) sends me to a dimly lit pastel colored room that smells like spa and is playing Enya. She tells me to get completely nekkid on the bottom and have a seat. Damn, we didn't even have dinner yet, I think to myself. Then, just before closing the door she peeks back in to tell me there's gumballs on the dresser for me. To distract myself from the pain. Oh yes, 'cuz the last time I got shot, I chewed a piece of Trident and felt absolutely nothing!
So the biggest question I get is, "Does it hurt?" And while I'm really the wrong person to ask (I got piercings and tattoos and don't stop running until something starts to hurt), I can definitely say it's not the most pleasant feeling in the world. But if anything, the akwardness of someone telling you to "flip over, get on all fours, and arch your back," definitely trumps the pain factor. I seriously thought she was gonna leave the room and gang initiation was gonna take place or sumthn after that. Nevertheless, when all is said and done, you get used to the whole routine and get comfortable enough to talk to your waxer about your next trip to Hawaii and the best soulfood in town all while she's going to town on your cooter.
When I used to go-go, I got waxed on the regular due to the unforgiving costumes but nowadays the only time I make a visit to see my girl Justene is when I'm going on vacay, getting new booty, or shit is just RIDICULOUS and starting to resemble Fern Gully down there. And right now? It's 2 outta 3 lol. Whatever the deal is, I try to stay away from shaving as much as possible. It just feels gross. It grows out stubbly and itches like a mofo. Whereas, after a waxing you'll feel like your slippin and sliding in your undies. I'm sure your man will appreciate that, and so will your cho-cha.
But whatever you do, whether you shave, wax, or laser - just make sure you do it, 'cuz nobody wants their panties to have sideburns. And if you don't do it - at least make sure NOT wear neon green underwear with a short dress while sitting down and taking pictures for crying out loud!