Monday, May 17, 2010

90%

"If you are going through hell, keep going"~Winston Churchill

People ask me how I did it.

I still wonder how I did it.

But if you knew that you were <--this--> close to being invincible, wouldn't you hang in there a while longer?

If someone told you that all you had to do was get over this one. last. hump. in order to become bulletproof, I promise you would've done the same.

I didn't know how long it would take. And at one point - (ok many points) I didn't think it would happen at all. But I knew that if it did, it wouldn't be the result of anything monumental. I always knew it would be random. ALWAYS. It was probably the only thing I was sure of.

Then one Saturday afternoon while I was getting my hair done, it happened. Just like that. As if the hair bleach sunk into my skin, infiltrated my blood, and took over my brain. I don't know if it was the girl I used to be coming back from the dead to slap me into my next lifetime for shaming her ass, Angela Basset's character from Waiting to Exhale, or the Holy Ghost itself - but someone or something possessed me to do something so normal it felt abnormal. A gesture, that although insignificant to the rest of the normal world, had me traumatized for months.

So I did it. And for about 4.7 seconds I forgot to breathe. I even felt slight anxiety in the pit of my stomach. But .1 seconds later it was over. The anxiety was gone. And I let out an almost undefeated sigh of relief. Pshhh, that's all you got?

It felt quite liberating if I do say so myself. Enlightenment in its most simplest form. In layman's terms: It felt awesome. But like they say, "It's gonna hurt when it heals too."

Which is perfect.

'Cuz although I never and will never experience it again, I never want to forget how it felt either. Those who forget are either in denial, or have become heartless. Looking back, I realize that I wasn't quite that girl just yet, and a dead giveaway was "that girls" cocky attitude. Now, I choose to remember to humble myself and others. "Without the sour, the sweet ain't as sweet" right? The last time I had a cup of coffee I had 7 packets of sugar to go along with it. True story. I LOVE THE SWEET.

So how do you do it you ask? (And a lot of you do.) Unfortunately, my answer is still the same: I don't know. You just do.

You'll be weary at first. Defiant. Impossible. Stubborn. Discouraged. Frustrated. All of the above and then some. But what if I told you you're <--this--> close to being invincible? That just over that hump in the distance, is a bulletproof YOU? It will be one of the hardest things you'll ever have to go through in life. But I promise that there is close to nothing that will ever be as painful ever again.

"Damaged people are dangerous, they know they can survive."~Josephine Hart

2 comments:

maria nguyen said...

i kept checking back and was like what the, no one is writing today! because i kept seeing your "ill be back in two weeks" post but then i read the 90% and it literally touched base with my every emotion i was feeling today, and i thought i should let you know, Abi, it almost feels like you saved my life today.

haha okay nah that was a joke, but you definitely played a big part in that last 10%. thank you!! <3

Sheryl said...

My work week has been boring because you and UIGM haven't been posting much! I forgive you though, since you're on vacay, just don't do it again! LOL

I just had to comment and let you know that I totally understand this! I never thought I'd get here though, but, my god, I'm so happy to be here! My favorite part is this, "'Cuz although I never and will never experience it again, I never want to forget how it felt either." Couldn't have said it better myself! I always tell my friends this.

Thanks again for this. You rock!