Thursday, October 28, 2010

Women Are From Venus, Men Are From GROSS

It's a known fact that women tend to be a bit more dramatic than men when it comes to certain things, even in the slightest bit. I am no exception. But I promise you, they don't care about those stretchmarks on your ass because shit happens - like babies. And you've heard what Katt Williams had to say about that. If not peep the vid here. "You was big and got small. Or you was small and got big. Either way we fucking, either way."

And that's pretty much the consensus for a lot of things. So while a worrisome woman's ways will never change, below are a few things I promise men don't care about as much as we think they do. How do I know? I've asked them.

Pimples: Not acne. But a pimple. But not just any pimple. I'm talking the single pimple of ALL pimples. The kind that God gives you to check yourself and humble your ass when you've been feelin yourself too much. They usually take residency on an obvious location on your face i.e. chin, nose, forehead, and hold that shit hostage for a few days. But believe me when I say that 90% of the time, men don't notice it until we point it out. So no need to stay home or eat dinner in the dark 'cuz chances are your mans seen you look flawless enough times to overlook those 12 days outta the year a pimple decides to create a community on your face.

Sweating: Let it be known, I'm a sweater. It doesn't take much for my pits to start crying, especially since I don't use deodorant (bitch I said I sweat, I don't stank!). But what we think is sweating bullets is sweating bebes to most men. And what we think is gross, they think is kinda sexy. Case in point, one time I received a text from one of my male friends asking what I was doing. As I was wringing out my tank top I replied, "Just got outta bikram, sweaty as fuck!" to which he replied, "Damn, that's sexy."

Waxing:
I make it a point to get waxed if a) I'm getting laid, b) know I'm about to get laid, c) am on vacation, d) am on a vacation where I might get laid, or e) know I'll be wearing a bikini or other unforgiving bottom. Once, I used NOT having a bikini wax as birth control. Meaning, that it was Fern Gully enough down there for me to not let the dude come anywhere near my vagina. However, most men like a little hair. And regardless of how much or how little, most men are still tappin.

Queefing
: You cannot even fathom how much I detest the infamous "pussy fart." But you can read this blog to get an idea. Most men see it simply as air coming outta your vagina. They either think its funny or feel indifferent about it. I see it as almost enough reason to stop having sex right then and there.

Farting: The originator, and sister of the queef. Yes, it's natural. And yes, everybody does it. But can it just never happen when I'm around people? Especially members of the opposite sex? Especially members of the opposite sex I'd like to have sex with? Most men don't think it's a big deal (unless you rip one violent enough to give you a new asshole). Matter fact, they think it's funny, especially when they see the look on our mortified faces afterwards. I think I'll go hide under a rock now since you're probably gonna dump my ass 'cuz of it anyway!

Sex while Period-ing: As someone who has to carry the burden of blood for roughly 5 days a month, I can tell you first hand just how annoying and disgusting it is. It's messy, bloody, and depending on which day it is - it stank. Ladies, don't even try to front - that shit STANK. So why on Earth would I want to take the pleasure outta sex by adding my period to it? You would think a dude would feel the same way, but apparently, a condom, a towel, or the shower are all you need to part the Red Sea.

Squirting: Now in case yall don't know what this is, I'll tell you - it's one of the most grossest things ever. OK fine, it's when a chick cums and that shit, yah you guessed it, squirts outta there! If you need a visual, there's plenty of YouJizz.com. Anyway, while there's more vile things out there, I still think it's absolutely disgusting. Which is why I was so surprised to learn that not only do men not mind it, but they LIKE it. Seven out of the eight men I've asked said it turned them the fuck on, and two of them said, "Hell yeah, squirt on my face I don't care." WOW. WOW. WOW.

And I will end the list with that. Unless yall have anything more to add of course.

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